I recently mentioned the First Rule of Clown World (coined at Founding Questions):
“No matter how fake and gay you think it’s going to be (for any value of “it”), it will always somehow end up being so much faker and gayer.”
I ruminated about the Chinese Spy Balloon kerfuffle. I can imagine a reasoned world where America (or any of the few remaining serious nations) would shoot down Xi’s Barroon one inch inside their airspace. I can even imagine a slightly weird but vaguely logical world where America lets the Chinese Balloon drag its geopolitical nutsack across America’s face all the way to the coast… and then let it sail toward some other nation to see if the next nation downwind can react better.
But I could not imagine the fakest and gayest possible situation. America let China teabag half of the continental US and then decided to shoot the balloon down as soon as it’s over hard to retrieve salt water. Thus reacting decisively, but literally doing so only after the very maximum amount of embarrassment/spying had happened.
A serious nation would shut the barn door before the horse gets out. A stupid nation would shut the barn door after the horse gets out. Our monumentally fucked up mess of a nation waited for days until the horse was out, then shot the horse.
Truly, we live in an amazing universe.
But wait… there’s more!
Having completely mis-handled the situation clear from Montana to the Atlantic there’s still a faker and gayer way events could play out.
I hesitate to type it because the new face saving spin is so dumb it’s almost radioactive:
Presidential Spin: “Getting spy ballooned by the Chinese is no big deal. It happened three or four times under Trump.”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “That sounds like bullshit. I never heard of it.”
Presidential Spin: “We kept it secret. The military didn’t even tell Trump.”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “The fuck you say?!?”
Presidential Spin: “Yeah, so getting pantsed by China in 2023 is no big deal because China does this shit all the time.”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “Pull the other one, it’s got bells on it.”
Presidential Spin: “Sure! Biden got more votes than any other candidate in history. Yesterday we installed a fence before the president gave a speech. We did that to protect Democracy. We didn’t want to have to take more political prisoners.”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “When you tug you yank!”
So that was it. The story was over. It’s no big deal that we had a ChiCom Balloon floating over the heartland because it happens all the time. The ultimate fake and gay way for the story to play out.
Wrong!
Speaking of “radioactive” there was a faker and gayer option. Something so incandescently moronic I’d never even considered such a thing. America launched an ICBM at the Pacific Ocean.
The Last Few Sane Americans: “WHY ARE YOU FIRING NUKES?!?”
Presidential Spin: “It was a “routine” activity “intended to demonstrate that the United States’ nuclear deterrent is safe, secure, reliable and effective…”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “FIRING NUKES IS ROUTINE? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?”
Gen. Thomas A. Bussiere, Air Force Global Strike Command commander: “A test launch displays the heart of our deterrence mission on the world’s stage, assuring our nation and its allies that our weapons are capable and our Airmen are ready and willing to defend peace across the globe at a moment’s notice…”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “I’m supposed to believe that Chinese Spy Balloons have teabagged the Continental United States several times. But this time, and only this time, Americans saw it. Therefore, you concluded that it was a reasonable and intelligent response to sink the balloon in the Atlantic and fling an ICBM at the Pacific?”
Presidential Spin: “I give you my word as a Biden, the laptop is a nothing-burger.”
The Last Few Sane Americans: “What’s wrong with you? Launching nuclear weapons is dumb. It’s dumb at every scale from planetary to molecular. Have you been copying your homework from North Korea? North Korea is the only place that does that kind of shit and they’re fucking weird. Don’t be North Korea!”
Presidential Spin: “I’m hard core, Jack! Corn Pop was a bad dude.”
I don’t know how fake and gay things can get. I ran out of imagination years ago and I talk to trees!
All I really know is not over. It’s sixth week in the third year of the Bidenverse. An event that came about due to more votes than any other candidate in history appearing at 3:00 AM in specific locations. And that was just the start!
I can’t imagine what will happen but the remaining 46 weeks of the year. They’re going to be mind-blowing!