Camping Trip: Part 4: Sleep Like The Dead Yet Wake Grumpy

I was exhausted. From one point of view I was just a loser sitting on a tree stump whining at the universe; a distraught redneck talking to himself next to a campfire. From another point of view, I was working through the mysteries of life; just as all men have done since the dawn of time… or at least the portion of mankind that is aware enough to care.

Indeed, what is the purpose? Why are we here? And finally, what’s the right thing to do?

The fire had died down. I checked that it wasn’t going anywhere, pissed on a fern, and called it a day. I felt like I’d just taken a test. I hoped I’d passed.

Stumbling in the darkness, I sought out the tent I’d bought with what I thought was going to be my last paycheck. I spent big bucks on my hot tent and the thing is a fortress. I’d already setup the interior firebox (knowing that starting a fire in the middle of the night is hard on a half asleep brain). All it would take as a match to warm things up. But didn’t light it. I was too worn out to mess with it. I crawled into my sleeping bag and went straight to sleep. I was slightly chilled from my long vigil but it didn’t matter. I lacked the energy to light the woodstove.

I was disappointed when I woke after only a brief rest. Then I checked my clock and realized I’d slept for hours. The only reason I was awake was because I had to take a leak. I guessed I’d been zonked out for at least 3 hours.

It was raining. I don’t have a thermometer but it was biting. It seemed just barely warm enough for the rain to be rain instead of snow. I lit the fire and the tent went from chilly to sauna. In 10 minutes it was noticeably warmer, in 20 it was like a toasty little oven. If you’ve never camped in a hot tent, you’d be surprised. It’s quite the experience.

I adjusted vents and throttled the stove’s air but I couldn’t fall asleep. Except I woke up an hour later. I’d been falling asleep so deeply it’s like time warped. (Before you get all safety freak on me, I have a smoke detector in the tent.)

This time it was the sound of an engine that woke me. Some jackass was coming to visit the clan that was camped nearby… or maybe the Mad Max dudes escaped Australia. Whoever it was revved a loud diesel engine like he was going “roll coal” in the forest.

He probably meant to arrive loudly as a joke to his compatriots. He probably didn’t realized I was there (my tent is pretty well camouflaged and I know he didn’t see it). I heard his boisterous arrival at the camp greeted with some shouting. I could imagine what they were saying: “Quiet down jackass, my kids are sleeping!” Which, I have to admit, he did.

By 7:00 am the fire was out. I took a leak and restarted the fire and boom… out like a light. I was dead asleep AGAIN. Apparently, I was REALLY tired.

You might think I’d greet the day that followed the quiet thoughtful night with the happy demeanor of a man who’s soul feels pure. Nope, I hate mornings and I hate everything about them. I’m only happy after I’ve had my first cup of coffee.

I may have mentioned this before but humans annoy the shit out of me every friggin’ morning. For some reason they get up too early. I wouldn’t mind that but as soon as they’re awake they start talking. People, if observed from a mental distance, sound like a fucking penguin rookery. I, when alone, can go all day without talking. I’ll nod or say a word to the dog, but that’s it. Most people open their yap the instant their eyes open… like baby birds. Ugh!

Anyway, I don’t know why this is but I’ve also noticed that many people camp in groups and that people who camp in groups always start making a racket at the ass crack of dawn. This always involves a lot of talking and invariably pisses off the kids that they’ve brought with them. You can tell by the crying of jostled and annoyed infants. It’s as predictable as night and day. The poor kids are sound asleep in comfy sleeping bags and then some nitwit ruins the whole thing for no particular reason. If you can’t sleep in when removed from cell phones and jobs, when the only thing around are trees and dirt, then you can’t sleep in until you’re dead… which is probably how it is for some of them.

By the time I was sipping coffee they’d been shouting, yelling, laughing, crying (children want to sleep late too), and clanging pots and pans for a good long time. They rolled out in a caravan of 3 trucks, one ice shack, a pop-up camper, and a couple of UTVs. Presumably they were hunting, but do you need to roll out with your pop-up to chase a pheasant? Probably they were in a rush to get home and away from the quiet splendor of nature.

Anyway, as soon as they were gone the place was dead silent… as I prefer.

The silence and emptiness gave me a moment to test some camping equipment. I bought a luggable loo years ago. I’ve never used it and I wanted to see how it would work. This was unnecessary as there were two very fine outhouses near the church, but what’s to become of humanity if a dude can’t shit in a bucket once in a while?

Turns out, it worked very well. Nice to know.

Did I end a post talking about a dump? Yes, I did. I could’ve planned it better but that’s not how I roll. If the story pauses after a shitbucket, the story did that and not me.

Let’s see if I works out better in my next post…