I was at a generic National Forest Campsite. I wanted to “dispersed camp” which usually has me absolutely alone. But had wisely lowered my ambitions when the pack-up and drive out phase of the trip had gone into extra innings.
At camp, people did as people always do and got up before me. Humans are herd animals. I could hear them warbling to each other and clattering about. It sounded like a thousand morons all trying to fold wet tents at once… which is basically what it was. Somewhere a cranky infant cried as it was hustled out of bed and packed into a car.
I got up and looked outside. It was foggy. There was drizzle and intermittent little showers. It was maybe 40 degrees (I didn’t bring a thermometer). Everything was soaked with dew or rain. Even inside my tent there was a certain degree of condensation on the walls. Anyone trying to make breakfast in this slop would be soaked in minutes. People around me were trying to shake off tents and stuff them in cars… they’d almost certainly have to dry out their gear in their respective garages that evening.
I was mildly hungover. Fuck this! I pissed on a bush and went back into my tent.
The clammy refrigerator feel was not at all to my liking. I felt worn out and my joints ached. I decided to light a fire in my little stove. I’d never used the stove in temperatures above 20. I was worried it would roast me out.
There’s a bit of a learning curve to use the stove. Don’t get me wrong, the stove is amazing! Great quality, superb design, but using it is a skill that takes practice (just like any other task). For one thing, the stove’s front opening is like 10” high. That seems hardly noticeable when you’re playing around with new gear but let me tell you, when you’re hung over in a foggy cold morning you don’t want to be shoving your head down near the wet grass. (I had removed the tent’s zip out floor.)
I stuffed pallet wood into the firebox. I lit it in a half assed way but it didn’t catch. No way was I going to roam around the campground looking for kindling; pine needles or whatever. I might meet people. I was in no condition to make eye contact with wet shitheads who made noise to wake me up. Instead, I threw in a handful of potato chips.
That did it! She caught and soon there was a merry fire. The draft was excellent. I throttled it down and fiddled with the tent’s windows. How much to open and how much to close? I had no idea. Meanwhile fellow campers continued to make sounds that reminded me of a penguin rookery. I opened both little windows partially to vent (but still screened in case any mosquitoes were still alive). Then I opened ¼ of one door but left the camouflage privacy screen in place. No innocent camper needs to see some drunk woodsman’s junk! (Side note: the UP2 tent has screen that’ll stop the smallest bug but it’s also camouflage and designed so you can’t see the person inside. I’d guess you’d call that “privacy camouflage”? I’ve never had a tent with that feature. It’s just one a thousand nice details.)
Privacy camouflage screen.
I fretted. Would I roast out or would I…. Zzzzzzzzz
Almost in mid sentence I was out cold. Sleeping like a baby. I was warm and toasty like I was being baked in fresh bread.
I was out for hours. By the time I was fully awake it was nearly 10 am! Now that had been a good snooze!
It had been good timing too. The skies had cleared, the fog had dissipated, the drizzle had quit, and the tent was bone dry inside and out. Even more importantly, 80% of the campers who’d annoyed me at dawn were gone. What’s with that? Why do people struggle to find time to go camping only to break camp at dawn in the rain?
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I percolated coffee and took some Tylenol. Hopefully it would help with the sore wrist. I’d greatly exacerbated it over the previous day and then layered it with the subtle flavors of a mild hangover.
I tossed bacon and eggs on the picnic table and dug through my canned goods. I found a can of “tomatoes ready for chili”. No idea what that was. I assumed it would go with eggs. I also found an onion which, inexplicably, I’d put in the cooler.
God loves us and the reason I know this is that my breakfast was amazing. The tomatoes had some spicy stuff in them (probably red chilies?) that made my eggs soar! I started with bacon first, to grease my little iron skillet. Then I poured most (but not all) of the grease on the fire. Time to be happy I wasn’t quite in grizzly country. (There are black bears in the area but they’re avidly hunted. Also every redneck in the county is armed to the teeth. Thus, the bears behave with all due decorum. There’s a lesson in that.)
In the bacon grease I sautéed some diced onion, then I added tomatoes, then a bit later I added the eggs. I’d have added the bacon which I’d cooked to perfection. But I’d already gobbled the bacon down while cooking the eggs. No regrets, it was delicious! Between the percolated coffee, the perfect bacon, and the ideal egg concoction I wound up feeling like a king. It was the best meal I’ve had in weeks!
The winds were calm (too calm for sailing) and my wrist wasn’t happy. Plus I was just generally beat. Rigging the boat is work and sailing it is both mental strain and physical effort. I’d brought paperbacks to read and a screen tent (unnecessary since it turns out the mosquitoes have been mostly froze out). Maybe just read?
In the end I was simply too inspired by my surroundings and tasty breakfast. I brought out my little Alphasmart NEO and typed some more of Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels. And you thought I wasn’t thinking of y’all?
Pending review and maybe some finishing touches I think the next chapter might have just come together! Could anything be more appropriate than fiction typed by a hungover guy sipping coffee at a picnic table?
Stay tuned…
My ideal camping micro cruiser (means I am not done with my sharpie yet LOL) is a tent that tops the cockpit, and that camouflage screen sounds awesome. Snaps or Velcro is the question.
I do like privacy even in the boonies. Nice part of boat camping is I can camp in waters herons walk by. Loons and ducks cruise past and nobody with a squalling baby is nearby. Bad part is the biting bugs.
I have shared beer and brats with wandering kayakers before. The stern mounted propane grill and cooler is a nice social meeting thing. Also keeps any leaks from the propane outside my boat.
Oh, and as my shoulders are getting old, I’ve been looking at that Hobie turbo-drive foot powered thingy. So far Hobie doesn’t sell them separate from the kayaks. I’ve tested one in the Hobie sailing kayak and it’s awesome.
Snaps or velcro? Nope zipper. All of the doors and windows have several layers of options and all the inside ones are zippered. Also there’s a rigid door which is something I’ve never seen on any other tent.
Those Hobie drives are cool but expensive. I’ve got a larger (12′) boat and a Predator 200 engine. I keep wondering if I could build an inboard motor and gear it real low so it doesn’t harsh my mellow. I don’t want to zip around on plane with a roaring engine. I want something slow and quiet… like the engine on the African Queen.
An inverter generator powering a trolling motor?
That was one of my initial ideas. But then I found out how cheap Predator 200 motors are. They’re so cheap I keep looking for excuses to use one. All this would have to be in another boat. My tiny sailboat does ok with a motor but the combination of sail rigging and motor mounts gets too cluttered in the tiny hull.
Thank you for describing that. It sounds like you had quite a morning. Breakfast eaten in the outdoors always makes memories for me, it just plain tastes better.
Amazing item those potato chips. I’ve used them as a fire enhancer and as a substitute salt tablet in high heat environment. Not a bad pick-me-up when resting in shade. A small bag of chips is not wasted space.
Sorry was not clear, trying to figure out the best way to install a modified popup style tent to the combing of my sharpie as to make it into a soft top cabin for non-sailing moments. Maybe an improved version of my PVC hoops, mosquito netting and tarp over all boat tent.
Snaps are sort of traditional on boats for dodgers and such but a bit of rust or mud they’re a pain.
Third option is maybe putting a lip on my combing and putting a draw string style bottom on that tent.
Frankly I am wondering how long before toys like that Hobie are put on the block to pay for electric bills or groceries. Already local boat yards are having massive sales on new pontoon boats. Something I’ve NEVER Seen in the 15 years I’ve lived in the lake’s region of NH.
Perhaps we might get a shot at cheap toys but likely not. Keep your powder dry and paddle on.
Loving your stories, even if they are not about Lesbian Squirrels.
This sounds like a perfect trip so far. Well, other than the getting out of town issues.
There is nothing like waking up in an empty campground.
I camped in the sequoias many years ago in the late Fall. The campground was packed (100+ sites as I recall) The first night it started snowing about 5pm and didnt stop till after I went to bed. While it was light enough to still see I was able to look out at all these people frantically throwing there gear in what ever they used to haul it. The next morning after knocking the snow off the tent from the inside it was me, a ranger and the couple down the way for the next four days. Glorious.
I agree, empty camps are where it’s at. I try to plan long weekends that don’t start on Friday (when the camps are busy-ish) but continue into Monday (when they’re deserted). I camp pretty empty spots anyway. I consider a campground that’s 50% capacity to be “crowded”. Also dispersed camping is fine when I have my shit together enough to do it.
I know it’s verging on the sacrilegious for a bushcraft type outdoorsman, but I gave up on the constant search/collection/hoarding of the almighty tinder and kindling years ago (I’m worn out enough from gathering the fuel).
So, I just split and “feather” and I’ve never (yet) had any difficulty in getting the stove (or any fire lay) going.
I have a selection of every firelighter known to man (from vaseline and cotton balls, right up to esoteric seemingly-NASA designed oddities) but I had never heard of using potato chips though. (As someone who still takes his pipe with him into the backwoods, I recently ’embarrassingly’ realised I always seem to have at least 8 separate combustion starter types on me even to wander to the store – I am ‘not’ a pyromaniac’!)
Just for the record, having had to rush out and try them, my neighbours now think I’m even weirder than before (maybe it was the test system to see whether Smoky-bacon flavoured was better than Cheese-and-onion, yah think? At least the it wasn’t as bad as my home-made thermite tests … just, according to the local fire department).
You’ll be surprised, potato chips burn well. Seems like an expensive tinder but they work flawlessly and it’s nice that you can eat them too. (Don’t try that with Vaseline cotton balls.)
I’ve had friends bring Pringles (which I hate) for A) being packed in a can and B) firestarters. Didn’t know regular chips worked.
Were the lesbian squirrels hungover too?
Squirrels don’t drink. Their drug of choice is Abba… and headgames. 🙂
careful w/ the tylenol after drinking. it can/will destroy your liver. use aspirin or ibuprofen instead if you drink. i miss camping, maybe i’ll get back to it.
Good point.