I had to take a long-ish one day trip on short notice. Normally I’d drive my truck but gas costs $5 a gallon in the Bidenverse. (The uncaring finger of fate removed me from the dwindling sanity of 2019 and dumped me in the strange and illogical world I call the Bidenverse. Don’t you ever feel like that? Is the endless swirling vortex of constant spasmodic stupidity a sign we’re stuck in the dipshit end of the multiverse? I miss a less stupid time but I can’t find my way back to a saner world. God is such a joker!)
Then again, the challenge du jour was just gasoline. Why bitch when it’s just logistics? Am I not an Adaptive Curmudgeon?
I rolled my cruiser motorcycle out of the garage, sparing a sad glance for my currently ignored little dirt bike and the Dodge that’s too expensive to fuel right now. I liked my idea. The bike would be fun to ride and get well over double (though probably not triple) the MPG of my truck. (Not to mention diesel is another buck a gallon over gasoline. The price differential being a bureaucratically created supply side effect of EPA regs about sulfur that kicked in a decade ago.)
The sun had just risen and I live far north but it was already unusually hot. My jacket options were not ideal because I live where staying warm and dry is usually a bigger concern than heat. Also my favorite chaps have a blown out zipper. Yes, I wear protective leather chaps when riding (or did); insert your joke about the Village People here and I’ll retort with comparisons between pavement slides and belt sanders on bare skin.
Motorcycle safety gear requires constant maintenance and periodic replacement. I’ve done far too little safety gear management. Due to my own actions, my gear is patchy and decrepit.
I dug through my tattered equipment, looking for stuff I bought 20 years ago specifically to ride across Death Valley. Shockingly, I found it! You know those gloves you can wear while filleting fish to make sure you don’t cut your hand? I’ve got a “mesh” jacket made of more or less the same stuff. It’s not the absolute best protection but it’s adequate. It lets the air flow to keep you cool.
I have a pair of “pants” made out of the same stuff. I had a business thing to do on the other end so I put the “pants” on over regular jeans. It wouldn’t do to show up at some guy’s office only to strip down and change into jeans. It would be better to ditch the weird mesh pants unseen in the parking lot just after arrival.
With the mesh I’d have much better protection than denim and the wind would keep me cool. (Denim is essentially no protection.) I put the jacket on over a clean plain t-shirt and figured I’d look more or less presentable when the jacket was taken off.
Thus, I rolled out perfectly outfitted for blistering hot conditions. There are pros and cons to everything. I’d be absolutely screwed if it rained! The mesh won’t stop a single raindrop. Even a cool night’s sunset would put me halfway to hypothermia in no time. Normally, I’d strap a different (backup) jacket to the luggage rack for such situations. Alas, my luggage rack is broke and I’ve removed it in anticipation of fabricating a replacement. Damn!
Despite missing its luggage rack, the 23 year old bike is running like a top. It’s part of my “Project Daily Driver” initiative for 2022. Progress has been made but overcoming years (decades!) of deferred maintenance takes time.
Now you know the situation and you know the equipment. The elephant in the room was the environment. It was unfathomably hot. Humid, muggy, indifferent, relentless heat bore down on me. Mile after mile of heat.
In general, the breeze when riding a bike will keep you cool. Keep moving and you’ll be fine. That whole system breaks down somewhere around 90 degrees (when it’s humid).
As I rode I got hotter and hotter and hotter. I didn’t have time to take refuge in AC or even hydrate with a cold drink. I was in a hurry. I rode for most of 5 hours with only a few very short breaks to gas up and guzzle a quick drink. I was pretty baked.
Eventually the road was blocked by a train full of Electric Car Fuel. A big long slow train of exclusively coal cars. Electric cars run on coal we might as well call it Electric Car Fuel.
There must have been some switching going on because the train was crossing at walking speed. I was amid two lanes heading the same direction and surrounded on all sides by idling vehicles. Every single one had the windows rolled up. Air conditioning! They had it. I didn’t.
It’s one thing to wait out a red light or whatever. It’s another to park on the pavement for half an hour! The idling engine was about to boil my nutsack with it’s v-twin crockpot of misery. I shut down the engine, put her on the kickstand, and I scampered off the road. I wound up standing under the shade of a tree some 10’ away. It felt weird to abandon a motorcycle in the middle of “traffic” but nobody was going anywhere and I was about to melt.
The vehicle behind me was a semi. The driver looked at me shutting down my bike as if to say “wtf, dude… I’m going to need to move forward when this train is done.” I tried to give a reassuring grin but I was still wearing my helmet. Standing in the shade, I shrugged apologetically. It’s a faux pas to abandon your vehicle at a train crossing but I was going to have stroke out there!
The shade that was only mildly less miserable than the road. The train was sooooooo slow. Nothing to do but sweat and watch coal cars.
I heard a tap on the horn from the semi. He was waving a bottle of water at me.
Oh yeah! I charged over there practically involuntarily. I was at his door before my brain had decided to make the walk. He handed over a bottle of water that was not ice cold but cool-ish. I chugged it without even taking off my full face helmet.
I said “thank you” several times. I’m not sure he heard much over the sound of his engine and my muffled helmet. I’m sure he saw how much it was appreciated.
Ten minutes later the train came to an end. I had the bike fired up and ready to go without delaying anyone at all.
I sure appreciated that water! I hadn’t even thought to hope for such a thing. The dude saw me roasting out there and knew what to do.
What a nice guy!
(To be continued.)
A considerate trucker… I thought those were declared deplorable or something by someone with delusions of relevance. Cool.
Cooling by scooting when it’s too damned hot: tried it once at midnight. Didn’t help.
Denim is zero protection when the concrete is sliding across your tender body at 60mph. DAMHIK.
Having H2O is a must have where we live. If you are ever stuck in place during most of the year down here, you are in a pickle if you don’t have water. My wife carries a large rinsed out mouthwash bottle of water and a couple of hydration envelope of Gatorade type material. The bottle is free (once original contents are finished), its tough, light and about a quart so not too bulky to be tucked in somewhere. An old sock protects the bottles exterior where those envelopes are kept. In winter, it will freeze.
Thanks for the post.