Filthie (who I read every day and you should too) recently mentioned his desire for a coffee percolator. This is one of my favorite topics! I’m sick of bullshit and pearl clutching Covid ninnies, so I decided to riff off of Filthie’s coffee meanderings. I hope he doesn’t mind.
I have a percolator so my life is complete. You can have one too. Here’s the Curmudgeon way to find your coffee happy place.
Step 1: Completely abandon society.
Just say “fuck it”. Take a good look at every dumb thing out there and mutter “not my circus, not my monkeys”.
Then fire up whatever vehicle you’ve got and go to where you need to be. Trucks, motorcycles, ATVs, horses, snowmobiles, reindeer, hovercraft, boats, canoes, and teleportation are all reasonable ways to get there. Walk if you have to.
It’s a proven fact. Coffee tastes better while camping.
Step 2: Gather wood.
This is recreation coffee! This is not “slurp it on your way to the rat race” coffee. Therefore, it must be heated on something that puts soot on the percolator. That means “no propane, no electricity”. Say it with the tone Leon uses to say “no women, no kids.”
Ideally, use a Sequoia you felled with a stone axe. In the interest of reasonableness we must allow exceptions. If I’m in a State Park, I use pallet wood. I always carry a trash can of pallet wood in my truck. I’m that classy!
Step 3: Light (and contain!) a fire.
Ideally you’d make a 6′ diameter bonfire surrounded by a self built mini-Stonehenge. However, campgrounds frown on it. Also this whole summer had ridiculously high fire danger and nuking nature through carelessness is poor form.
I use and recommend a Redcamp Wood Burning Folding Camp Stove. (The cretins at Amazon require I explicitly state that I get a tiny kickback if you buy from this link. I have no idea how any human made it this far without knowing how Amazon links work but it is what it is. Yes, I get a tuppence if you buy from the link. However, it’s a product I like and recommend because I’ve used the hell out of mine and been pleased. I also promise to squander my massive theoretical profits on more campouts.)
Ideally the folding firebox got there while strapped to the front of a motorcycle. I’m a reasonable man, so a Dodge will do in a pinch.
Step 4: Spend hours relaxing.
Park your ass in nature and enjoy. Pretend that coating the percolator in soot is your calling in life. (Maybe it is!) Brew several pots of coffee. If possible, mix it with whiskey. (Skip that last step if you’re going to be sailing, hunting, trail riding, or doing advanced math in the near future.)
Here’s a photo from a campout this summer. Is that not a vision of heaven?
