Our sweet lovable cat is dead. Shit happens.
I’m bummed out. Tardo was the dumbest mammal in North America but I liked the lovable fool.
Tardo’s wellbeing has always been a concern. He was extraordinarily nice so I wanted him to thrive and do well… which he did in his oafish way. But he was just so darn clueless. If you want to be unobservant and stupid there are environments where that’ll work, universities and woke coffee shops come to mind, but not my homestead. Here we are free, nature is close, and life entails risk. Tardo was sweet and kind and cuddly… but as dumb as a tree stump. I always knew he’d Forest Gump his ass into an early grave.
He’d hang around the farm, always friendly and laughably aimless. Every time we fed the cats, which is done daily like clockwork, he’d be surprised. Often he’d miss out on dinner, simply because he was sleeping. Our other cat keeps a watchful eye on the food bowls. Tardo would “discover” the bowl and figure it was random good fortune. The very next day he might discover it again… or he might forget and be wandering around the fields.
He didn’t hunt. He was as sneaky as a rattling trash can. Any mouse dumb enough to wind up in his slow claws would be there due to suicide.
He had many ways to make me nervous. Climbing on the woodsplitter while it was running. Getting stuck in outbuildings. Falling asleep under an idling truck. It’s a miracle he lasted this long.
He’d disappear for days or weeks at a time. After the first few days I’d start fretting until he returned. Sometimes he went on a happy hike. He’d come back fat and happy. Sometimes he’d get himself into trouble. He’d show up skinny and battered. Sometimes he was stuck in my garage, not 50 feet from the food bowl he never seemed to remember.
In the winter, I made him a nice little heated hay-bale “cat hut”. He lived in there for a while… until he vanished, possibly he forgot it existed. Sometimes (I suspect) his absence was because he simply got lost; when he finally returned it might have been a whole new experience to him: “wow, this place is cool… I think I’ll stay here”. I have no idea if any neighbors fed him but he certainly was friendly. He once climbed into a visitor’s car. They drove a few miles before they noticed him, did a U-turn, and deposited him back on our lawn.
One time he wandered off just before a blizzard. He was gone several weeks. The logical assumption was that he’d become a cat-sicle. When the snowpack faded, he showed up, skinny but happy. I think the snow got too deep to return so he just hung out wherever he was until it melted. He was probably lost in a deer yard, or maybe he slept for a month on some hay stacks in a cattle lot. Who knows?
He always came back and I always welcomed him.
Not this time. I found him on a main road a mile from my house… and that’s that. He got squished. He lived like he died… stupid.
I’m gonna’ miss him. Tonight I shall drink a toast to my departed critter. All that lives will someday die and he did pretty well. He was always pleasant, purred loudly and often, and never did anything mean or cruel. That’s a pretty good epitaph.
Then I’ll eat an appropriate feast of celebration; possibly crayons.
Links where I’ve mentioned my lovable dumbass of a cat:
When showed up a couple years ago. Mrs. Curmudgeon talked me out of naming him OwlBait. I used this as an object lesson to some kids.
“When someone gives you free food and a place to stay, even if they do it out of kindness as I’m doing right now, sooner or later they’ll cut your balls off. Remember that.”
Tardo briefly ran away when I went a bridge too far. I suggested he was as stupid as Paul Krugman.
In a 2020 Critter Update, I watched him and our other cat (who is an absolute asshole) interact. The asshole cat acted all “Game of Thrones” but big lovable Tardo was just too dumb to know he was being threatened. Looking at that post now, I’ve lost a stupid cat and the best dog I ever had… but the fuckin’ evil cat is still going strong. So much for karma.
