Critter Encounters: Outwitted By An Invertebrate

I mentioned earlier that I was on the prowl for a monarch caterpillar. While working in a field I found a large milkweed with two large monarch caterpillars. I abandoned work, scooped up the pair and stashed them in a big jug.

Since this is the modern era, I solicited for names. I got three; Felix (a CATerpillar), Philip (in honor of the late prince), and Rupert (related to The Longest Day, a movie I haven’t seen).

I named one Philip and the other Bob (in recognition of a commenter who “released almost 10,000 [monarch butterflies] over 50 yrs”… that’s some legendary shit right there!).

Caterpillars prefer young leaves to old (and they eat like pigs) so I tossed in a nice succulent young milkweed, added some water (it’s not like it rains inside a jug), and put a loose screen on top. Then, I got back to work.

Two days later I checked and the screen was offset. Philip (I guess) was a foot away. The other caterpillar was… gone.

What the fuck!?!? How can a two inch brightly colored caterpillar… vanish?

It was in a cluttered office. I looked carefully and he just wasn’t there. I panicked. Who wants a two inch caterpillar wandering around your HDMI cables and old papers? I looked everywhere but there’s no a sign of him. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I damn well know the little bastard didn’t open the door and walk away. This means, sooner or later, I’m going to be reaching for a backup mouse or digging for my taxes from 2005 and I’m going to find a dead yucky bug. DAMMIT!

Mrs. Curmudgeon thinks there’s a chrysalis somewhere deep under a table leg or something. She figures I’ll be sitting at my desk and suddenly have a butterfly in my hair.

God, I hope so!

I assumed the escape artist was in the jug somewhere so I took it outside and dumped it. Mrs. Curmudgeon patiently waited while I hunkered down in the driveway picking through caterpillar shit and half eaten leaves.

No sign of him.

But wait… there’s more!

Remember the young succulent milkweed I stuffed in there for food? Two more caterpillars… very very small ones. One is the smallest I’ve ever seen.

It’s pretty weird, we’ve all seen a full sized monarch caterpillar but how often have you seen the exact same thing in miniature? Oh sure, you know it exists; but have you seen it?

So I cleaned out the jug, stuffed Philip back in there, added the other two micro-caterpillars, added more food and water, and drilled proper holes so the damn screen doesn’t screw me over again. The silly things a man does when he’s playing around with nature. I was deeply thankful that Mrs. Curmudgeon refrained from mocking me while I unironically crawled around in the dirt like a six year old.

A few hours later Philip was like “fuck these new kids in my habitat” and cocooned up. The other caterpillars probably have weeks of growing left. (Who am I kidding? They have weeks of eating and shitting little green dots… that’s all they do.)

Anyway, that’s the update. Two are the smallest thing this side of an egg (I assume they were eggs when I stuffed them in the jar), Bob was an escape artist that’s clearly smarter than me, and Philip is now a chrysalis.

What? Childish hobbies have childish updates. Anyway, my news is both more relevant and more truthful than anything on TV.