Garbage Disposal From Hell
One of the more experienced thugs involved in the situation hung his head in misery. He was dispatched to the city’s municipal waste facility to retrieve SMEEDA. The machine bothered him. It was morbid and disgusting! He hated its very existence. Nevertheless, he loaded the three wooden crates that contained the mechanism into his van. The crates were old and heavy, dating to sometime in the middle of the Cold War. The boxes had “SOLID MATTER EMULSION & EJECTION DISPOSAL APPARATUS” stenciled on the side, along with a listing of box order. He shivered as he hefted “BOX 1 OF 3” into his van, all the while getting yelled at by more stenciling; “THIS SIDE UP”, “DO NOT DROP”). Soon he was done loading. He shook his head at this relic from the era of bomb shelters. Who knew how many bodies The Cleaner had sent through it’s gaping maw and down the drain?
Gertrude waited patiently. She knew the boys would take a bit to get there. Meanwhile, her grandson emerged from the apartment. He was wearing a pink leotard, yellow running shoes, and had earbuds jammed in his ears. The left earbud was playing Diana Ross. The right played Rammstein. Sometimes, when one side won over the other, he’d drift from a straight line into a long irregular arc. He would jog the two miles to the arena before his match. It was a chance to warm up and (unsuccessfully) calm his jangled nerves.
Janice/Gerald was relived his frightening grandmother had inexplicably failed to show. Now he could focus on his main goal for the day; pounding whatever sacrificial goat had drawn tonight’s short straw into dust. Theoretically, he was up against a tough challenger. He smiled. Combat was not theory. His challenger was doomed. Almost skipping with glee, he scampered off.
Once he was gone, Gertrude strode up to her grandson’s door and, expertly, picked the lock. She had a key of course, but it’s the little rituals that maintain a sharp mind. She sized up the apartment with a knowing eye; silently listing tasks and resources needed. The place was a combination of meth lab, Lady Gaga’s dressing room, and Area 51. With a feeling of resolve and finality, she snapped the cheap phone in half, removed the battery, and tossed the bits on the table. This shit was going to change!
Ali the cat, perched on top of the refrigerator and feeling smug, opened one eye. The day might get interesting again!
Gertrude made herself at home. She unraveled her code knitting while she retrieved a second and much nicer phone from her bag. Performing an act almost verboten in the modern era, she placed a voice call. Edna picked up the line.
“Gertrude, how interesting that you’ve chosen to call.”
It wasn’t a particularly friendly greeting and Gertrude knew why. Were they not retired? “Edna dear, why don’t you join me for coffee?” This was another coded message. Tea was for socialization, coffee was for work. “We could meet at my grandson’s apartment in a few hours.”
“I haven’t had coffee in a long time.” growled Edna. “I will drop by. I look forward to discussing the joys of retirement.”
Gertrude sighed, it never did well to anger Edna. They had jointly agreed to retire their “business” at Edna’s urging. Edna had determined the modern DNA and electronic surveillance world was simply too risky. She was right, of course, but this wasn’t an actual crime… yet. Gertrude hoped this might mitigate Edna’s wrath. Edna had already hung up.
A few minutes later three burly guys knocked on the door, each carrying a heavy box with a third of SMEEDA. When Gertrude opened the door, one of the three let out an involuntary yelp. Gertrude eyed him archly.
“The Cleaner!” He stammered “I didn’t know if you were real”. He’d embarrassed himself with this unacceptable honesty, but he’d been greeted at the door by a real life Keyser Söze.
“Now that you’ve met The Cleaner,” Gertrude grinned like a cat, toying with its prey, “it’s time for another surprise. The Inspector arrives in two hours.”
All three men blanched.
“Move fast!” Gertrude prompted and the three men pelted for the bathroom as fast as their bulky loads would allow.
