Sand Is Trying To Kill Me: Part 1.5

My new motorcycle (Honey Badger) is more skittish than an alley cat on meth whenever the sand is deep. I turned to the internet to suss out this mystery. It went like this.

“My TW doesn’t do sand well. What’s up?”

“Are you using the stock tire. A Bridgestone Trailwing?”

“Yes, brand new, lots of tread.”

“We call the Trailwing a ‘Deathwing’. It’s terrible off road. Replace it.”

“I can second that. I got a Shinko 241. Massive improvement.”

“My tire’s new. I should replace it anyway?”

“I replaced mine the day I bought my bike. It’s cheaper than a trip to the ER.”

“I got a Shinko 244. That’s even better.”

A thirty-seven-post discussion about the chemistry of rubber compounds ensues. Apparently, it is rocket science.

“So, all two dozen of us agree. The Shinko 241 and 244 are both much better than the ‘Deathwing’ and so is almost anything else that’s round. This stranger on the internet should heed our advice and replace his ‘Deathwing’ by noon tomorrow.”

This seems pretty reasonable to me. I’ve learned something. It seems clear. Then the internet effect kicks in.

“Shinko’s for sissies. I installed this.”

Someone posts a TW sporting a tire that would strike fear in the guys from Mad Max. It’s huge! There are massive meaty cleats. It has the skull of a crushed antelope stuck in one of the lugs. The front fork has been modified to fit this mechanical menace; the re-welded fork has metal spikes and a chaingun. The whole thing is wrapped in razor wire. The rest of the bike is equally rugged. The owner explains his bike has been used to invade Bulgaria, hunt Sasquatch, and cross the Amazon rainforest. He includes a second picture from a Yak hunting trip to Mongolia. There’s a half ton of Yak meat strapped to the 300-pound bike. In another photo he’s on his bike using it to pull start a stalled Russian freight train. There’s a photo of the bike in Greenland, on a glacier, chasing a polar bear; the rider is dressed in sealskins and carrying a harpoon. You need to sign a liability waiver just to look at that bike and every Prius in Seattle begins to weep when you upload the images. The huge rear tire is just as aggressive. It looks like it came from a tractor and the owner explains he had to modify the rear wheel to accept it. He needed a blow torch, a hydraulic press, and Thor’s hammer to mount it. He’s added a rifle scabbard, ammo can panniers, and shielding against Claymore Mines. Every inch of the bike is covered with camo, battle scars, spikes, and blood. Someone has turned a tiny little TW200 into a beast that would scare a tank. I’m impressed. Everyone loves it.

“Is that front tire a ‘Skullcrusher 2000’?”

“No, it’s the upgraded model; ‘Drive My Enemies Before Me X1192’.”

“Sweet!”

“I hit a moose with it. Rode right up and over. You can’t go wrong with this tire.”

“Is it DOT approved?”

“No. Fuck the DOT.”

“How is it on pavement?”

“It shakes my balls like castanets and made my teeth fillings pop out. Pavement is for wimps. I ride only on the skulls of my enemies.”

For every reaction there is a response.

“I ride exclusively on pavement. I installed a ‘Top Fuel Carbon Fiber’ racing tire.”

“On a bike that can barely go 60MPH?”

“I modded the engine. It has six turbos ramming air into a bored-out cylinder with titanium alloy race pistons.”

“The stock bike has 200cc. Have you considered a sportbike?”

“I made it into a sportbike. I changed the rear sprocket, upgraded to a chain that’s made of angel hair, and run only high-test plutonium fuel.”

“How is it on the trail?”

“What kind of idiot rides on a trail? I only ride on airport runways that have been licked clean by virgins.”

Then comes one more piece of ‘advice’.

“You’re all pussies. The ‘Deathwing’ is fine.”

“It barely holds a line in sand.”

“It’s fine! You just don’t know how to ride. Stand on the pegs, lean back, rip on the throttle, and steer with your mind.”

“It sounds like you’re underestimating the influence of front tire compounds.”

“No, I’m not. You all suck. I’ve ridden ten million miles on the stock tire, all of it on sand, while coated with grease, during a hailstorm. The ‘Deathwing’ is perfect if you know how to ride.”

Uh huh. That’s the internet for you.