[I wish I hadn’t named this the “Mr. Bean” but that boat has sailed. Last post I was enamored with the Rokon, an $8K 2WD motorcycle of the apocalypse. But I was unusually indecisive, as you’ll read if you continue.]
I was all set to buy a Rokon. It was -22 out. No hurry.
Then I slipped and fell on the ice. Suddenly the Rokon’s legendary harsh ride made me nervous. I’m getting old. My dog was getting old. We hobbled about together and thoughts of Rokons faded into thoughts of Ibuprofen.
Life is subject to external forces. None of this had to do with a failing of the machine.
Fearing I was sentenced to sitting on soft seats for a while, I restarted my search. Re-inventing the mental search routine from earlier cogitation but with different starting points I came up with the Can Am Outlander 6×6.
Just look at that thing! It’s pure brute strength in a machine that’s neither a regular ATV nor a standard side by side. It was weird enough to make me happy.
I feared I’d gone too weird. I was overthinking it.
On a bitter day I stopped at a ATV store (different for earlier posts) and tried a Polaris Razor. A Polaris Razor is a common side by side and one that would be default for any normal non-blogging not-weirdo.
Who am I to be so picky?
I test drove it and it just didn’t sing.
It was lamesauce drizzled on dull. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an impressive machine, but it has been attacked by lawyers. Throttle response though a slushy transmission made me feel like power was arriving by FAX. The whole thing, whether real or imagined, had the fly-by-wire feel of a carefully detuned fuel injection system designed in a committee meeting. What a bummer.
I got out and walked around. Why am I turned off by anything in the middle of the mass market?
I got back in and the thing slowed to a crawl. I’d forgotten to click the seatbelt and it had a special safety feature that put it on limp mode without the belt clicked. I was being lectured to by the machine! Oh that’s total bullshit in a velvet lined bullshit box!
I clicked the belt and muttered at the dash (resplendent with electronics)… “you’re dead to me”.
Back at the dealer I asked to drive a 6×6… any 6×6. He had none. Apparently, sane people can get by with 4 wheels. “Fine”, I sighed, “give me the keys to that one.” I waved vaguely at a generic ATV with a cargo bed on the back. I think it was a Polaris 570 with a slightly different feature set.
I’ve been using ATVs since they came with three wheels, but almost always for work. Never just for fun. My ATV is 20 years old but I didn’t expect any surprises. I was test driving an ATV with roughly similar powerplant to the Razor that had been “lawyered”.
WRONG!
It rode like this:
Here is an actual picture taken of me while riding:
Holy shit!
Yes, I looked like that rat! That rat is having fun. I had fun!
Where the side by sides and the ACE and the Razor all felt like layers of safety had cooked off every bit of fun… the basic ATV just took off. Zoom! I rode it like I was being chased by dragons. I tore into curves like I intended to break gravity. I got it up on two wheels, threw dirt, ripped sod, caught air, drifted, slid, bounced, and generally did shit that was unwise in the extreme. I only stopped because I was freezing in the cold. Also I knew I was getting sloppy with the last fractions of Newtonian physics I’d started slicing and dicing. Better park this thing before I wind up needing an x-ray.
I get it now.
Side by sides are safe for the kids. If you’re thinking of old people, wives, tax deductions, idiots on your work crew, or just generally allergic to fun… the side by side is tuned for you. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still neat. They’re beer in a world that has whiskey. I like beer. Everyone likes beer.
ATVs, at least the one I tested, have the same motor but without the bullshit. So much more excellence! Damn that test drive was fine!
Now I was sold on an ATV. Possibly the 6×6 but definitely no more piddling about with side by sides. Can Am was still looking better in the specs but I had only Polaris to test.
In my excitement, MSRPs were starting to creep up again. I started seeing $10K approaching on the horizon and approaching fast… but for a machine that’s just loaded with awesome.
Life, as always, had a vote in the matter. Spoiler alert… I never bought an ATV, at least not yet. More to come.