A standard ATV (“engine between your legs” instead of “two seats side by side”) was the obvious solution for me. But it just wasn’t weird enough to suit my personality. ATVs are everywhere. I like to find the middle of the bell curve, and then run from it.
Eventually, I isolated what should be perfect. The Polaris ACE 570 was ideal! A side by side that seats only one. Spot on!
Shielding from the cold winds while winter riding. Roll cage (always a plus). Park your ass in a single seat ensconced within a crash cage. Good sized engine without ridiculous displacement bloat. Maybe slap on a plexiglass windshield for snow riding. Not a lot of electronics (though more than I’d like). I like the combination of wind protection but no heater to break expensively. The reviews warned it wasn’t a speed demon, which didn’t bother me a bit. I don’t care about speed. Reviews also said it was odd; a neither fish nor fowl machine. This made me want it even more. They’re not as cheap as I’d like (nothing is) but they’re solidly under $10K and a few are used. Far cheaper than a mid/entry side by side. There’s a chance of them going out of production, which means cheaper prices but no aftermarket. A big plus for me is that I could spend all day on an ATV trail and never see another one like it.
I was smitten.
I went to a dealer with trepidation. I hate debt so every visit to a dealer is dancing with the devil. Also, I’m a bit stretched after buying a tractor. But time waits for no man and I’m not getting any younger; so, it was best to investigate these critters before the marketing assholes killed it. It was a dangerous time. Mrs. Curmudgeon was aware I was prowling the unseemly fiscally dangerous shoals of expensive motorized toys. If I showed up with a new ATV in the back of the Dodge I’d be skating on thin ice.
Just look at it! A single seat side by side. Not a go-go buggy speed demon, not too expensive, not a fat machine that can only handle trails that are basically roads. I think the size is perfect. A chug through the woods, one man mini-truck. If it passed the test drive, I’d probably buy one.
It was a bitter cold day. I climbed in the seat and immediately appreciated the cab shielding much of the wind. The size was small but well proportioned. A little cramped. I fired her up, easy controls. Not too loud, not too many bells and whistles. Unlike the douchebag in the photo I wasn’t outfitted like a space ranger… because I live on earth, not a liability lawyer’s imagination. (If you need a helmet AND a roll cage, maybe you shouldn’t leave the house.) The limited shielding from the bitter wind was massively appreciated and I mention it many times because it’s huge.
Once I got under way everything was pretty simple. Steering was adequate if not precise. Suspension was adequate. I played around a bit to make sure I knew how everything worked before I was ready to put her through her paces.
Then I floored it. And….
Nothing.
There was no magic. It accelerated with the adequate mediocrity of a minivan. It cornered like a completely acceptable conveyance. It was the non-thrilling Honda Civic of the forest.
I felt like this:
What a letdown! I was driving lite beer when I wanted Tequila.
I’m a demonstrative fellow at times. I got out of it, leaving it parked in the ATV dealer’s long line of gleaming machines and literally shouted at it. “What the hell’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you fun!?!”
The little machine didn’t answer. It probably has nightmares about me. The salesdrone who’d given me the keys was crestfallen. He’d smelled a commission and the test drive had gone all wrong. “We don’t sell a lot of those.” He sighed.
I was completely non-plussed. “What the hell’s wrong with it? It handles OK. Adequate power. Why isn’t it fun?”
He shook his head. “I guess it’s a personal thing?”
Indeed, he hit the nail on the head. The Argo had been too fun. The ACE was too tame. It lacked the spark of adventure. The search would have to continue.
A.C.
P.S. Don’t get me wrong, the ACE 570 is a superb design. If I got one for free, I’d drive the wheels off it. If you’re getting up in years and can’t physically manage an ATV, I’d suggest you get one before Polaris discontinues them. If I had bad legs or something, I’d buy one yesterday. There’s nothing bad about them and I think the overall design and size is inspired. It just didn’t speak to me.