The Press Lives In Cloud Cuckoo Land

Friday:

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi: “I’m a terrorist fucknut. I’m one of the bad guys leading ISIS. I’m as creepy as shit. I do things that require my henchmen shovel up body parts and hose down the pavement afterwards. I plan it out for the camera. I’m walking snuff film; a real life horror movie monster. My activities would give Vlad the Impaler moral qualms.”

Saturday:

President Trump: “I’m going to have an important announcement tomorrow.”

The Press: “Impeach the motherfucker!”

Democrats: “Yo! That’s our line. Quit stealing our thunder!”

The Press: “Democrats want to impeach the motherfucker. As they should. Because Trump’s a big mean doody head.”

Democrats: “Thanks, much better.”

Curmudgeon: “What’s this on the internet? New announcement? Meh, it’s just Trump. Probably the cheeky bastard found another way to troll; maybe he’ll pet a kitten and make the Dem’s go on an anti-kitten rampage.”

Sunday:

President Trump: “Good news everyone. Our armed forces just killed the shit out of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.”

Everyone: “Who? Quick, check Wikipedia.”

Everyone: “Oh, that guy. He was super evil. Glad he’s dead.”

President Trump: “Dude was super evil. I’m glad he’s dead.”

Curmudgeon: (Rummaging through his brain and eventually remembering who the heck this guy is.) “Whoa, that was the guy that’s super evil. I’m glad he’s dead.”

Democrats: “How can we possibly be upset about this? The dude set people on fire and that was the least creepy of his ideas. We gotta’ agree with Trump, this is a good thing.”

Democrats: “Ha ha ha… had you fooled didn’t we? Watch this…” (Shrieking) “He didn’t inform Nancy Pelosi first! Waaaahh.”

President Trump: “The terrorist died like the little bitch he was. We’re awesome and none of the good guys got hurt. He’s extra dead. Yay team!”

The Press: “We’re triggered.”

President Trump: “Also Russia was real polite. I called Putin and said ‘we’re coming through on our way to kill an asshole, please give us room to maneuver’. Putin was like ‘you’re going to kill Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi? That guy’s super evil. I’ll be glad when he’s dead. Have a nice day’. Real class act.”

The Press: “Russian collusion! The walls are closing in, we’ve got him this time!”

Most Sane People: “Whoa there, if you’re going to fly helicopters through a war zone sometimes it’s smart to call ahead. That’s just common sense.”

Washington Post: “Does Trump trust Putin more than Pelosi?”

Most Sane People: “Uh yeah. Hasn’t she been trying to impeach him since before he was sworn in?”

Nancy Pelosi: “Actually after the first two years I realized it wasn’t working. Lately I’ve been trying to calm them down…”

Curmudgeon: “Really, and how’d that work out for you?”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “I’m very wise. I know lots of stuff. It’s a good idea to impeach Trump because he’s not on my team. Everyone I don’t like should be impeached and the voters will like that. This is a good idea!”

Nancy Pelosi: “Down! Sit! Don’t make me put you back in the gimp box!”

Katie Hill: “Can I do that? I’ve been doing a naked threesome with my employee while taking bong hits. I’m down with the good stuff!”

Nancy Pelosi: “Now Katie, we talked about this. You should be discrete…”

Katie Hill: “It’s on video. I hate Trump too. We should hang out.”

Ilhan Omar: “I’m in. I married my brother and then had an affair with some married dude. He’s getting divorced now. I’m so smart. Everyone who doesn’t agree with me should be impeached.”

Curmudgeon: “I almost feel sorry for you; herding cats like that…”

Nancy Pelosi: “Kids these days. What are you going to do? Hey, wait, I’m agreeing with you? That’s impossible! You’re deplorable and I hate you.”

Curmudgeon: “Of that I have no doubt. I forget, do you represent the district without electricity or the one with human shit on the sidewalk?”

Nancy Pelosi: “You make me sad. I’m going to stop talking to you.”

Curmudgeon: “Knock yourself out. This discussion is just a fictional entry in my blog anyway.”

The Press: “Trump shouldn’t talk to Putin. He should talk to us!”

Curmudgeon: “The President should inform the press before a secret military attack on terrorists?”

The Press: “We meant Trump should talk to the Democrats first.”

Most Sane People: “Do the Democrats have anti aircraft missile batteries in the flight zone?”

Democrats: “I don’t think so. We’re opposed to guns.”

Most Sane People: “So there ya’ go. You check with people who can shoot down helicopters. You don’t check with people that don’t.”

Democrats: “Math is hard. Regardless, this is bad!”

Curmudgeon: “Bad? Killing a terrorist? Are you shitting me?”

Washington Post: “Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, austere religious scholar at helm of Islamic State dies at 48.”

Everyone: “Are you fucking kidding me!?!”

Washington Post: “Well technically he was austere and religious…”

Curmudgeon: “And Hitler was a vegetarian. That’s not the point. When a terrorist is killed by our military you say ‘Military Kills Terrorist’. How hard is this?”

Washington Post: “But Trump is president. We have to mislead about every fucking thing until he’s not.”

Curmudgeon: “Do you… have you… are you seeking treatment? Frankly I’m a little worried about you. Try living in reality… it’s very nice. The scenery is OK and the absence of madness is a real plus. Cloud cuckoo land is not a good place to live.”

Rightwing Social Media: “Ha ha ha… lets all laugh at the Washington Post.”

Washington Post: “Now we’re sad. Can we define laughing at us as hate speech?”

Babylon Bee: “How are we going to top that? A terrorist that sets people on fire is ‘austere and religious’? When the Washington Post leads with a punchline, how can we insert a joke! Satire is hard!”