After a small PredictIt victory calling “no” the 12/10 shutdown there was another chance. They opened a market for “Will OPM indicate government shut down at noon on December 24, 2018?” I was like “Alright, I gotta’ get me a piece of this”. Sadly, life distracted me and I missed the moment.
Here’s my TL;DR version of the situation.
Trump: “You guys don’t get it. I promised to build a wall. I used little words and was very clear about it. If I don’t get something done the people that voted for me will tear me apart like jackals.”
Ann Coulter: “Today’s BORDER WALL CONSTRUCTION UPDATE: Miles completed yesterday-Zero; Miles completed since Inauguration– Zero. NEXT UPDATE TOMORROW.”
Trump: “See what I mean? That’s pretty hard to spin.”
Chuck Schumer: “Get with the program. Republicans always cave. It’s in the manual. Didn’t you get the secret deep swamp manual that is given to all incoming presidents? It’s on chapter 4. There’s a chart and everything. Read the fuckin’ manual!”
Trump: “You’re boring me.”
Schumer: “Dude, it’s simple. You pretend to care and then say something like ‘those mean jerks in congress stopped me’. Then you feel sad at first but you fuck an intern in the oval office and it all goes away. It’s been like that decades. The script is all written out.”
Trump: “Nope. My voters are sick of bullshit. It has to be concrete progress. Like literally made of concrete. If I have to go there and smack Dan Rather’s skull off it I’ll do it. They are tired of ‘hope’, ‘change’, and ‘thousand points of blah blah blah’. They want dozers and cranes in the desert.”
Nancy Pelosi: “We will bury you!”
Trump: “Meh.”
Elizabeth Warren: “We’re not bluffing! We’ll grind the government to a halt.”
Trump: “I give 1/1024th of a shit about your opinion.”
Schumer: “It’ll happen on Christmas Eve. You’ll be totally unpopular with liberals. People will dislike you. They’ll call you mean names like Grinchy McGrincehrson!”
Trump: “I’ll be unpopular ? Oh dear. Should I retire to the fainting couch? You can’t threaten me with unpopularity among people who shriek that I’m Putin’s ass clown. They block roads in Portland and actively wanted to impeach me before I was even sworn in. They’ll always hate me. You’ve already spent two years going scorched earth and so far what’s come out of it is that Stormy Daniels now owes me money. I’m not really worried about it.”
Schumer: “You’ve got a fainting couch too? I use mine all the time. We have common ground.”
Pelosi: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Trump: “I have a dog? I don’t recall a dog. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
Curmudgeon: “Oh yeah! They’re threatening a guy who’s totally cool with conflict… and they’re threatening him with conflict. I smell volatility! I gotta’ buy in.”
Life: “No time for your on-line games. There’s shit to do.”
PredictIt: “Chance of shutdown is higher than you’d think.”
Curmudgeon: “There’s hippies out there that really think this will happen. I need to fleece them.”
Life: “No time Curmudgeon.”
Schumer and Pelosi: “We want to go to the White House and personally threaten you.”
Trump: “You know the address. I’ll be waiting. Step carefully over the bones of my slain enemies that are strewn around the lawn.”
Schumer and Pelosi: “We’ve come to kick your ass. Let’s meet in private.”
Trump: “Nope. We do this here. We do it now.”
PredictIt: “Red Alert! The president isn’t following the script. What do we do?”
Schumer and Pelosi: “People are watching.”
Trump: “You get used to it. I’m always being watched. I’ve brought this club and I’m going to hit you with it.”
Schumer and Pelosi: “It’s Christmas. People will be sad.”
Trump: “My voters will make popcorn and cheer. Now stand still because I’m going to beat you like a rented mule.”
Schumer: “You’re not following the script.”
Pelosi: “Can’t we do this in private?”
Trump: (To the press) “Write this down: I fear nothing. Chaos is my thing. I like firing people. I enjoy conflict. I like building stuff. I built tons of shit in New York when you need six lawyers and a permit just to make a cup of coffee. I turned Manhattan into my personal version of SimCity. This is fun. I’m getting an erection just thinking about shutting down every stinking office from the Pentagon’s janitors to the NOAA (whatever the hell NOAA means). I like being in the headlines and my people want a damn wall. Go ahead and spin that statement on CNN anyway you like.”
PredictIt: “RUUUUUUUN!”
Curmudgeon: “Shit, I missed a fast selloff. Dammit!”
So there you have it. I missed a one hour window where I could’ve cleaned up. The market still exists but it’s dead right now. Until something changes I’m sitting this one out. Maybe the press will drum up a witch hunt or Trump will pussy out but barring more shenanigans I missed my chance. Thanks for tuning into CNN; Curmudgeon News Network.