On the road I subsist on purchased coffee. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad but it’s always accompanied by condescension. Why? Because otherwise unemployable and utterly uninformed nitwits have an ego problem. They instinctively flock to the only unskilled labor that affirms their superiority. I don’t know why they feel so smug. They’re no better (or worse) than the monkeys at McDonalds; at best they’re manning an espresso machine.
I have an espresso machine too. I can operate mine, they can operate theirs. I don’t brag to my friends and neighbors that I’ve mastered the esoteric skill of making a bit of espresso. Why would I? It’s not rocket science.
Here’s a hint, if you operate a linear accelerator or service a locomotive I’ll be impressed. If you run a kitchen gadget that shoves steam though coffee grounds don’t expect a standing ovation.
Me: “I’d like some strong coffee. No whipped cream. It gets in my beard. Here’s a refillable mug so you don’t have to waste a paper cup.”
Barista: “It’s good that you want to save irreplaceable trees.” (“Zer” pours coffee into a paper cup to “measure it” and then pours the coffee into my metal cup.)
Me: “Uh… You know trees grow; right? They’re plants. They grow. From dirt.” (I pause as “zit” throws the paper cup in the trash.)
Barista: (Totally not hearing me.) “Re-useable containers are good because they reduce waste. Though the skull motif is problematic.”
Me: “I prefer a proper mug like a civilized being. I swear it makes the coffee taste better. Also the skull makes it taste better. Um… you realize that you ‘wasted’ a paper cup anyway? You just tossed it in the trash. I saw it. Have you considered using a measuring cup?”
Barista: (Unaware of any hole in “zim’s” logic.) “Because of global warming we’re running out of trees.”
Me: “Plants like increased CO2. It’s a fertilizer. Plants crave it. Like electrolytes.” Sipping coffee. “Ugh! Do you really have to serve it lava temperature?”
Barista: (Completely missing a great joke.) “Someday we’ll run out of paper.”
Me: “Are you postiting a theory of ‘peak paper’? Shouldn’t you wait for ‘peak oil’ first?” Sipping again. “This is burnt.”
Barista: “It’s supposed to taste like that.”
Me: “Like shit?”
Barista: “Yes. Also, would you like to donate to a charity.”
Me: “Sure, I’ll cough up a ten spot for the NRA.”
Barista: (Doing a double take.) “No, I said a charity!”
Me: “Yeah, I’m a big fan of charity. Whatta’ ya’ got? Hillary Clinton prosecution fund? Guns for toddlers? Liquor for the Amish? I love people. I’m in!” (Waving my debit card eagerly.)
Barista: “It’s an environmental fund. They raise awareness for…”
Me: “Not interested. I’m already aware. I’m woke baby! We’ve all got enough aware. Too much aware is filling up my garage and overflowing in my closet. My truck is completely packed with awareness. My kid’s school is so aware there’s no room for learning. We don’t need to raise awareness, we need to flatten it down. Strap it to pallets and ship it to the awareness recycling mill. I hear awareness can be turned into ‘give a shits’. I’m totally out of them.”
Barista: “You’re not really our preferred customer.”
Me: “OK then. Enjoy your buggywhip factory. When Tim Horton’s takes over and we’re playing hockey and genuflecting to Gretzky it’s on you.”
Also there’s the following from American Digest:
Thanks, AC! That went perfectly with my morning cup of fresh brewed, home roasted house blend. Yes, I confess…I roast my own. Like most things I enjoy eating and drinking I need to know how to do it myself. Some stick, some don’t. Coffee is personal.
I think (or at least hope) that you invented that conversation.
Dave
Yeah… it’s fictional… though not far from reality.
Well the next time that, or something similar to that, occurs, you should ask zit if zit is disrespecting zou because zou are Black. Tell zit that it’s obvious the sensitivity training didn’t work for zit, and that the next round will be conducted by someone more capable of getting zit’s undivided attention.
Or I could show up with a skunk sprayed bear to explain it to zim.
Forget the bear. Just show up with a fully loaded skunk. Of course, with the way their coffee smells, nobody would notice…
“Hi, I’m a deplorable with a skunk. I’m here to chew gum and ridicule activists… and I’m all out of gum.”
I’ve found that convenience store coffee is as good, if not better than Social Justice coffee. And it usually isn’t burnt.
Plus, the store clerks are usually not as snooty and cleaner, too!
That’s a hit or miss proposition. Some of the big efficient trucker’s stores are excellent. Other convenience stores are inhuman. If you can find one Caribou Coffee is great. I also note that Tim Hortons is slowly taking over parts of the northeast and Tim Hortons (at least in Canada is not good). As if I needed another reason to avoid the eastern seaboard!
“Plants crave it. Like electrolytes.”
Nice.
Thanks.
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I know a former Starblux manager who won’t drink the stuff ‘cuz it is friggin’ burnt.
And at five or six bucks per cup, I ain’t buying it even if it is good brew.
And WHY is a coffee shop hitting me up for a charity? The menu says “coffee”, not “guilt”.
I had Tim Horton’s recently when visiting my parents in Ohio (and helping them at work late at night). It’s amazing how much *better* it is than Starbucks or anything else. It’s cheap. It’s fast. It’s actually coffee. You can get actual donutty things with it that actually have solid glaze and frosting.
Wonderful. Especially when you’ve been crawling around inside the guts of a machine all night. I wish they had them where I live now.
Most of my Tim Horton’s encounters have been in rural Canada. I don’t recall it being great. Perhaps they’ve improved as part of their “take over the world” initiative.
I think Duncan Hills had the right idea when it comes to spreading your brand. Get a death metal band to write a jingle.
https://youtu.be/ZInM3r_OtDo
Dare you to do *that*, Starschmucks.
For those that haven’t heard the jingle:
Do you folks like coffee?
Real coffee?
From the hills of Colombia.
Then Duncan Hills will wake you
From a thousand Deaths
“A cup of blackened blood”
[Die! Die!]
You’re dying for a cup!
Guatemalan Blend
Ethiopian
French Vanilla Roast
[Die! Die!]
You’re dying for a cup!
Prepare For Ultimate Flavor!
You’re Gonna Get Some… now
And Scream… For Your Cream
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills,
Duncan Hills Coffee.