Self Driving Cars

I have not written about self driving cars for the same reason I haven’t blogged about proctology exams. Also, why occupy mental space with worry over the 376th attempt to limit my personal vehicular freedom. I haven’t put up with shit about where I drive or when I go there since I was living in my parent’s house and that was a long time ago. I can afford better beer now and better cars and I enjoy both. That’s the whole point isn’t it? What kind of free citizen will let an unholy collusion of Google and the DMV control them more than their parents could when they were in high school? Luckily, I’ve made it. I don’t know what will happen to future generations but I’ll steer my own vehicle until I’m physically incapable or die.

Attitudes about cars changed so very fast and always as if the person who owns the car is someone’s gamepiece on a board; a digit on a planner’s spreadsheet; an inconvenience to his betters. I see it like this:

1970’s Me: “The advent of Ford’s inexpensive Model T was a great boon to American freedom. Finally individuals could own cars and use them to move from one place to another, looking for better opportunities, work, favorable climates, etc… Also it let Oakies get to California. You can have sex in cars! Or sleep in them. You can hot rod them and race them. Free sprits can get their kicks on route 66, families can take the kids to Disneyland, and Kennedys can use them to kill secretaries. Look at that cartoon of Goofy driving like an idiot. Hilarious. Plus the Dukes of Hazzard use cars to jump over ponds. How awesome is that?”

1980’s Media: “The advent of the car was the rape of mother nature and paved roads are evil. Everyone give a hoot and don’t pollute. Also ride on a bus like all the other peons. Peon.”

1990 Politicians: “Everyone who drives a car is super evil. You should ride a bicycle like a twelve year old on the way to school. What’s that? You’re asking about what to do when it rains? Get wet loser. What’s that? Snow? Suck it up for Gaia. What’s that? You live 30 miles from your job? Move! Like the pointless pawn on a city planner’s chess board you exist to serve. Also why aren’t you buying bus passes for the bus that doesn’t go near your house?”

2000 Politicians: “OK fine, I get it. Buses are for poor people and you don’t like them. Luckily we’ve come up with new technology. It’s like a bus but a whole lot better because it’s green technology. Also it can’t adapt to changing rider patterns, use pre-existing infrastructure, be readily expanded, or in fact changed in any way to represent people’s needs. Isn’t that great? It’s called light rail! What’s that? You don’t want to pay for light rail? Shut up hater! What’s that? Trains are hundreds of years old? Nope! These are electric trains, in suburbs, so they’re better. Electricity is coal? Shut up racist! How do you get to the train? You take a bus silly! Isn’t this awesome?”

2010 Politicians: “OK so nobody really enjoys it but you really should use subways, light rail, city buses, and bicycles. We’ve been over this before. If you drive, you’re evil. What’s that? You live on a wheat farm in Iowa and the nearest bus is 100 miles away? You should just quit talking, your concerns are irrelevant.”

2015 California: “Elon Musk is going to cram your ass in a pneumatic tube. Isn’t that clever? Don’t worry your pretty little head about the details, I’m sure it’ll be economically feasible.”

2018 Politicians: “OK so this time we’ve got it all ironed out. You can buy your own car and then we’ll control where it goes. That way it’ll double the cost of your car but be slightly less inconvenient than jock itche. Sadly you’ll have to forgo the smelly homeless people that peed on your seat before you got there. Maybe you can rent out the self driving car to drunk people every night? Nothing like strangers peeing in your car to make it more fun. Also make sure to lease it so you never own the car. Get with the program eh?”

2019 Projected: “You still insist on driving your own car? You monster! It’s a truck? Cretin! It’s diesel? Earth raper! Can’t you ride a bike at least in sunny weather? What’s that? A motorcycle! You asshole! REPORT TO THE RE-EDUCATION CAMPS IMMEDIATELY. No, there’s no bus stop at the re-education camps. I dunno’ just drive your car and then park it when you get there. And for God’s sake pretend it’s a hybrid.”

It never ends. Free citizens piloting their own personal equipment wherever the hell they want to go whenever the hell they feel like it will always infuriate the control freaks. That’s ’cause they’re control freaks.

There are great reasons to have self driving vehicles, war zones, farm tractors, and cargo shipping come to mind. Individual citizens hauling their independent asses to and fro? That’s a bad place for mechanization.

Anyway, I like the cut of this guy’s jib:

“There’s talk – silly, absurd talk – of banning the private ownership of cars. Molon labe, baby! You can have my Yukon, my three-ton id, when you pry it from my cold dead hands. And you can forget the self-driving nonsense, too: up here where I live, you can’t see the lines on the road four months out of the year on account of the blowing snow. Good luck dealing with that, Google.”

Hat tip to Never Yet Melted.