Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 17: 400’ Flying Knife Attack

Mary and Terry zoomed up the helicopter’s cable at the speed of squirrel. At the top Mary launched herself at the face of the winch operator. The operator had been handling tear gas cartridges and had a clear face shield down. Mary wound up between the man’s shield and his face. Panicked, he wrestled with gloved hands; trying to release his chinstrap. Mary started spinning in the cramped area and the man was treated to a painful whirlwind of sharp claws, buck teeth, and squirrel ass. He grabbed his knife to cut the strap, stumbled backwards, and fell out of the belly of the helicopter.

Chigger Johnson caught the whole thing on video. At first it was ungainly; as the man rotated crookedly; helmet flying off and arms akimbo. But it quickly turned into something beautiful. Chigger watched in awe as one of the most heroic and tragic moments he would ever experience unfolded before his eyes.

The man gained control of his spin and it turned into a graceful swan dive. Clutching his knife, the man plunged from the sky as if to slay the planet itself. Unhelmeted, armed, and fearless; he screamed his last battle cry:

“FUCKING SQUIRRELS!”

And then he was gone; swallowed into the shadows of the convenience store. He was surely dead.

Chigger wiped a tear from his eye. What could be more brave and stupid than a 400’ flying knife attack on a building? God Bless America!

A 400′ Flying Knife Attack is either fictional awesome or that thing Uncle Roy did to the TV last year. You might want to tip an obscure blogger who comes up with this stuff but Uncle Roy is probably best left alone.