Eclipse 2017 After Action Report: Part 09: Carly Simon Is Pissing Me Off

I’ve gone into left field with this thread but it’s my blog and my dog is sleeping. Until the dog wakes up I have no editorial bounds.

The eclipse is about more than celestial visions and meatloaf. At the moment it’s about Carly Simon. She’s in my head and it’s pissing me off. There is no reason my head should have anything to do with Carly Simon!

I’ve always thought of Simon as an average vocalist from the 1970’s with a tragic penchant for future catlady whining. I especially dislike “You’re So Vain”. Now it’s an earworm and it’s killing me. Among the lyrics is the word “eclipse” and my mind has latched on to it. There’s nothing worse than bad lyrics. It’s as if squirrels are afoot!

As a form of exorcism, I’m going to discuss the song “You’re So Vain” and list the incontrovertible reasons why it should be stricken from the record and replaced with something better… which is pretty much anything that doesn’t whine so much.

For your homework you may listen to the song below (there’s a “remastered” version as well but the synonym for “remastered” is “fucked up” so I’m linking to the original):

Let’s start with the positives, there’s an excellent initial lead in and a nice beat. Then Carly Simon jumps in with the lyrics and I begin to foam at the mouth.

Argument #1 why this song pisses me off

Here are some of the lyrics:

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain, I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t You?”

Uh… yeah! The fucking song is entirely about him. There’s nobody in the song but the vain bastard that dumped Carly Simon on her ass! There’s nothing about the girl’s hopes, dreams, future, job, hair color, car, favorite food, or sexual proclivities. It’s all about him. The song describes the color of his goddamn scarf (apricot) but doesn’t say anything about the girl. Is she a redhead? A professional bowler? A heroin addict? You can’t tell because it’s not important. She made it all about him and then challenged him with “you probably think this song is about you”. Who the hell else is it about? Ghandi? Robotron? The neighbor’s cat? An oak tree?

It’s completely dismissive of the whiny bitch who’s singing; so yeah, it really is about him!

Argument #2 why this song pisses me off

The eclipse line that is stuck in my head.

Here are the lyrics:

“Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun.”

Holy shit, what a great idea! Is there a better use for a personal Lear jet? If you’re rich enough to have a Lear jet and you use it to enjoy the beauty of nature… that’s bad? It’s vain? Where else should he fly? Las Vegas? Portland? Bhopal?

The song describes a handsome sexy dude that’s richer than God and can have anything he wants. So he goes out to look at the sky. Yeah that’s real jackass behavior there.

For that matter, what does one do with a Lear jet that could be perceived as humble? Rescue kittens? Deliver pizza?

If I had a Lear jet I’d fucking see every eclipse in my lifetime. Also I’d use it to haul elk haunches from British Columbia; which is why guys like me don’t have Lear jets.

Argument #3 why this song pisses me off

It fails to make me identify with the sufferer.

The lyrics are about falling for the dude’s sexy apricot scarf and how they were a pretty couple but she wasn’t unique. Indeed “all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner”. So the singer had the same aspiration as all the other women and even got to live the dream for a while; because she was pretty. Then it went away.

I’m supposed to feel bad about that? Is she saying that nothing is such a tragic loss to humanity as rich pretty people who are sad?

The singer’s not curing cancer, not building bridges of love and peace, not caring for a child, not even delivering a truckload of grain to the elevator; just a pretty girl that’s got the sads because she’s no longer part of a pretty couple. First world problems bitch!

Argument #4 why this song pisses me off

It’s self deluded and clearly so.

The song drones on about how he “gave away the things [he] loved and one of them was me”.

I call bullshit. He didn’t give away the Lear jet did he? Unless he gives away the Lear jet there’s no indication he gave away anything that meant Jack shit to him.

The song indicates he kept the things he loved; the confidence, the cool hat, the sexy scarf, the Lear jet, the works. He’s not living in a mud hut is he?

Fix this! If you want me to see this cad as tragic, write a few lines about the lost sexy scarf. Tell me how it wound up dumped in a gutter by a fading loner. Describe how he wanders around the streets of Hoboken, back hunched against the weather, scarfless neck exposed to the rain, a broken man accidentally spilling cloudy coffee on his formerly fashionable pants. He should be doomed to walk the world regretting his moment of self-destruction and wondering where he left his Lear jet keys. Absent that I’m going to assume the singer was a stalker and her boyfriend bailed out of the situation before she keyed his Learjet.

Argument #5 why this song pisses me off

It’s an endless stream of negativity!

It sucks to get dumped. We get that. However, hopelessness is not uplifting. It’s ugly.

Everything about “You’re So Vain” is so negative and hate filled that it goes past the event horizon of sad and circles around to blaming the world for your sorrows. Would it kill Carly to end the song with a round of recovery. Something like “but I’m hot and I just did the gardener so I don’t need your fucking Lear jet.” I’m all about people overcoming sorrow y’all. Fuck it, add in some heavy metal drums and really get your freak on. Enough of this sitting in the corner sighing.

How to fix this shitty song:

There’s nothing wrong with sorrow. It’s cathartic. But if you’re going to sing about misfortune you have to do it right. Weeping wont’ cut it. Here are alternatives:

• Embrace the suck and go down the rabbit hole. For this I present George Thorogood from House Rent Blues:

“I ain’t seen my baby since a nigh’ and a week
Gotta get drunk, man, till I can’t even speak
Gonna get high, man, listen to me
One drink ain’t enough, Jack, you better make it three”

• Throw in a twist. For this I present B. B. King from Never Make Your Move Too Soon:

“Three days of snow in Birmingham
Thought you would wonder where i am
Rang our number all night long
It’s no comfort on the telephone
Ran out and caught a midnight flight
Thought a little love would make everything all right
The landlord said, “you moved away”
And left me all your bills to pay”
Look out baby, you might have made your move too soon

Left me with a keno card
This life in Vegas sure ain’t hard
I ran it up to about fifty grand
Cashed it in and held it in my hand
That kind of word can get around
And make a lost love come up found
I hear you knocking baby at my door
But you know you ain’t living here no more
It’s too bad
I think you made your move too soon”

• Make a horrid joke. For this I present Guns and Roses from I Used To Love Her But I Had To Kill Her”

“I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain”

• Indulge in a revenge fantasy. For this I present Carrie Underwood from Before He Cheats:

“I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats”

Hey, it worked! I got that damn brainworm out of my head. Brilliant! Thanks for joining me on this trip and if anyone needs a lyricist I’m available for hire. I work for beer and/or Lear jet fuel.