Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 12: These Are Not The K-cups You Are Looking For

Twitch clutched Billy’s box of K-cups like a drowning man might grasp a life preserver. His eyes were wide and he was stringing together irrelevant movie quotes. Billy was maneuvering slowly and confidently; a prizefighter preparing for a one punch win.

“If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Twitch bluffed.

“Good. Bad. I’m the one with the gun.” Billy responded, not bluffing.

“For God’s sake, BUY the K-cup!” Doogie pleaded. “Can’t you see he’s got a thing about theft?”

“Hanging’s too good for him.” Billy agreed.

Twitch reached into his pocket and retrieved six credit cards; two were maxed out, one belonged to his grandmother, one was only activated in Lithuania, but the other two had a few hundred each.

“Cash only!” Billy rumbled “Never debt.”

Twitch hadn’t used or possessed actual dollars since… Actually never. Twitch was of the generation that saw greenbacks as quaint and silly; like cassette tapes, manual transmission cars, and physical labor. Desperate and unwilling to give in, he did his best Jedi mind control voice; “You will not attack me.”

Billy stopped his menacing approach, stood up from his fighting stance, and let his arms fall loose to his sides. “OK” Billy said meekly, “I will not attack you.” Doogie and Achmed looked at each other. Did the Jedi mind trick really work? Twitch was amazed. All he had to do was THAT? If the “these are not droids you are looking for” method worked, he was gonna’ get so laid at the next Comic Con.

“However,” Billy shrugged, “the bear will do it me.” He smiled to himself, situational awareness is like magic in front of muggles. He’d seen the bear coming because he was paying attention.

Twitch, confused by Billy’s sudden pacifism, turned around just as a charging bear hurled itself through the door. He let out a high-pitched shriek that sounded like kittens being electrocuted. This startled Bart who let out a low menacing roar suitable for constipated bulldozers.

What ensued was truly epic. Whomever coined the term “bull in a china shop” had never seen a bear in a convenience store.