Every year Dave Barry writes an article called “The Year in Review”. I always look forward to it and, since 2016 was a tsunami of stupid, I expect this year’s article will be excellent.
Unfortunately, he hasn’t written it yet. Instead, I wound up reading “Dave Barry’s 2016 Holiday Gift Guide”. Barry lists several “stupid and useless gifts” that he has selected as being exceptionally weird and pointless. It’s a great list and you should definitely read it if only to verify for yourself that there is an item called “Poop like a Champion Cereal” (number one on his list!).
But there is something even more amazing than that, number 11 on his list is an item I not only purchased but blogged about. I’m referring, of course, to “Squirrel Buster Squirrel Call”. Barry recommends it as “the perfect gift for the person who lacks a dog but would still for some insane reason like to come into closer contact with squirrels” and follows up with “we highly recommend this product, which, in addition to calling squirrels, makes a terrific icebreaker at cocktail parties”.
What more can I say? The man is a genius!
You know who is even more of a genius than Dave Barry? Me!
Back in September I wrote “Squirrel Call: My Dog Hates Me Now”. Squirrel hunting apparently isn’t my forte because I wasn’t bagging many of them. I wrote:
“Recently I wound up sitting on a log thinking “there’s got to be a better way”. Turns out there is. It’s called a squirrel call. Being a relatively novice/inept hunter, this is something I haven’t considered. That they exist is not necessarily news, but I’d never thought of getting one. Amazon, as always, came to my rescue. Amazon baby I love you; you crazy bitch! I ordered up a squirrel call (this link goes to the item on Amazon and so does the photo).”
I want the record to reflect the truth: “I bought my Squirrel Buster Squirrel Call before Dave Barry bought his Squirrel Buster Squirrel Call”. That’s important! You gotta’ enjoy life’s victories.
A.C.
P.S. I actually did a couple field trials with the call; trying, non-ironically and in all seriousness, to call squirrels. Either I’m doing it wrong, the call doesn’t work, or squirrels are too smart for me. So far the only successful use of this item has been to drive my dog completely ape. That’s my final analysis of this product: it’s not gonna’ help you make squirrel stew but it’s incredibly good for someone who wants to drive their dog completely berserk.
Does it make the short, barking “chuck-chuck-chuck” sound or the longer one that sounds like a squirrel being strangled? Or both? Neither? Tell your dog “hey” from me.
Makes both.
Cool. I might actually want one of them cuz the larder is getting low. Too bad we don’t have any squirrels around the house. We have trees, but apparently are too far away from anything of interest to a squirrel to have attracted any. Perhaps I could entice some to leave the private woods a mile from here using the call and a big honkin’ amplifier. I’ll let you know.
I think that a good squirrel call would be a recording of the sound made by the filling of bird feeders.
According to my stories they would be attracted to an unattended iPhone playing Abba.
I have discovered from our hunting foray that in order to attract squirrels, you must be engaged in an activity that requires silence. The squirrels will sense this and come running just to crap on your day. That’s when you pop them with the .22.
The little bastards are nature’s alarm system.