The Joys Of Homeownership: Part 7.02: Coffee Fisking

Now for a fisking.

The Art of Manliness, Brewing the Perfect Cup of Coffee, starts as follows:

“Every man should know how to brew a decent cup of coffee….”

Duh.

If you cannot brew coffee you are not a man. I don’t care how old you are. I’ll repeat for clarity; if you can’t make coffee you’re not a man. You might be “male” as defined by properly plumbed to piss on a stump… but you’re not a man.

I also have reservations about any male who can’t use a clutch, won’t gut a fish, and doesn’t have a set of wrenches.

“It’s an everyday skill that should be passed down from father to son, like shaving or mowing the lawn.”

Really? Obviously one must teach their children the things they need to know, but what kind of yutz expects to get lovingly brewing coffee from underage wretches? Coffee is IMPORTANT. Have you seen boys? Have you talked to them? Do you think they should be doing IMPORTANT things? Boys are wonderful young people who will eventually become productive members of society. In the meantime some portion of their mind is occupied with schemes for their XBox and some part of their body is occupied hitting other boys with sticks. You can’t presume a kid’ll make you decent, timely coffee any more than you’d trust them with a nuclear reactor. Seriously… talk to a boy someday. They’re partially wonderful and partially feral.

Also enough with this shaving thing. I have a big scruffy beard. I’ll shave when I either get good and ready or when I’m dead. I shaved when I was younger. Why? Girls. My kid will learn to shave when no teenage girl will make eye contact. Probably not a minute sooner.

As for my lawn, he certainly does help around the [glances out the window]… Goddamnit, that little cretin ducked out on mowing the lawn again! I’ve got bears in my lawn. BEARS! I told him to mow the… Ugh… kids!

There is a better way to teach a kid about coffee: convince them to take on two summer jobs at once. Preferably jobs that really suck. Possibly the night shift at a salt mine or a complaint desk at Walmart. Anything that involves shit and shovels is ideal. Nothing too pleasant. If they’re in school they’d better be taking chemistry, calculus, physics, and AP everything… and they still should spend many hours per week manning a hot sweaty fryer or slaving away at some other low wage job. (This will also teach them what taxes are and who pays for free shit from the Government. This is a lesson about half the population didn’t get.) In their spare time kids should be prepping for a marathon or maybe competing in rodeos. Running a trap line or enlisting in the Marines would be fine too.

Don’t coax them into coffee, work ’em until they need coffee.

Eventually they’ll discover that work sucks, taxes are too high, and Mountain Dew or Red Bull is just not enough to make it through the day. That’s when a boy becomes a man.

“…Now, I don’t profess to be an expert barista…”

Translation: “I actually have a job and I’m not going to bore you with stories about my SKA band.” Good for you!

“…1) Get decent beans….”

For good beans I recommend Death Wish Coffee. (I prefer Odinforce Blend. Click image for link.)

“2) Grind the beans yourself.”

Yes. (Exception duly noted for camping and war, instances where carrying a hand crank grinder is pathetic.)

“3) If you’re serious about coffee, ditch your fancy automatic coffee maker and try the French press.”

Yes. (Melittas are allowed as backup but only if you’re too much of a fuck up to manage the JetBoil’s tendency to erupt its French Press gadget if left unattended.)

And another fisking. This time of The WoodPile Report’s analysis of the above article:

“The author recommends a French press. Most laudable, but second best. I’ve given various methods a couple year’s trial and settled on cold brewing. Brews overnight, or twelve hours minimum.”

Are you fucking kidding me!?! Tomorrow? I may be dead by then. I want my coffee now. It’s coffee and therefore I can’t wait. Brew it and serve it. NOW.

“Mine’s a Takeya. Nineteen bucks or near enough. Two of ’em, one for drinking while the other’s brewing in the refrigerator. Pour a cup ‘n heat it in the microwave.”

Oddly I don’t mind cold brewed coffee heated by microwave… but this whole thing started with a power outage.

“Every cup is a fresh cup. Those who don’t know why “cafe Americain” is on offer abroad will want to dilute it.”

Do not dilute it. If it’s too strong you haven’t been working hard enough. Once you’re exhausted like the rest of us it’ll be just right.

“If your idea of “real” coffee is Starbucks, hot brewed from burn-roasted so-so beans, you have a pleasant surprise in store.”

Agreed. Also you’re about to find out that water’s wet, the sky is blue, and real girls aren’t like the ones you’ve seen on YouTube. Welcome to the real world.

“Even store brand supermarket coffee grounds taste smooth and satisfying when cold brewed. I use dark roast, whatever’s on sale. No need to go Full Fanatic and hang around the waterfront for incoming beans to roast and grind yourself. It’s coffee, not a calling.”

Yes it’s just coffee. So long as it doesn’t suck you can nut up and face the day. If it’s Folgers it sucks.

The Takeya blurb says, “The traditional hot brewing process releases undesirable acids and oils, resulting in bitter flavor and acidity that is intolerable to many.””

Yeah whatever. I like warm brewed drinks. I live where it’s cold. When it’s cold I want a drink that’s hot because nature is a bitch and wants to kill me. On weekends I want a hot drink with bourbon added because nature is a bitch on weekends too but I can have liquor for breakfast. This goes double when I’m camping. It may be acidic but I’d drink a battery if it’d keep me warm.

Also, and this is no fault of anyone but my own, things left in my fridge tend to go feral. I can’t abide the thought of cold brewed coffee that sits there evolving for six months just because I accidentally stuck it behind the big jar of pickles.

With cold brewing, only the naturally delicious coffee flavors are extracted, leaving behind the bitter oils and fatty acids, creating a perfectly balanced, smooth extraction of concentrated coffee.” If it’s over the top it ain’t by much. Here’s a field expedient: use a Mason jar as a canister and make a “coffee bag” from a coffee filter. Works at 33°F and above.”

Fair nuff. However, this all started with “power down coffee”. Refrigerated microwaved cold brewed is good but grid down I want it hot and now. My impatience isn’t a reflection on The Woodpile Report’s desire for the perfect cup but rather on my… did I mention impatience? Woodpile Report wasn’t thinking about coffee brewed when the lights are out or on campout it’s cold enough to make your testicles rattle like castanets.