On the next straightaway the mystery bike rapidly pulled alongside. This was the rider and machine that deigned to ride with the unexciting Ric Ocasek ST1100. I was interested to see what sack of dull would come into view.
Holy shit! Did you see what just passed me on the road?!?
The motorcycle was a surprise. It was the same make and model as mine but entirely reworked. It was hot rodded and highly modified with a careful eye for style. Unlike the usual generic set of bolt on chrome bits, this was a purely feminine device. Designed, styled, and outfitted from top to bottom as only a woman could choose, it was the most sexualized motorcycle on all God’s green earth. Everything that was not painted was chrome and everything that was painted was hot pink. From stem to stern it had curves and suggestive accents on every surface. Did I detect roses subtly implied in the swirling pink? It reminded me of Georgia O’Keeffe.
I couldn’t focus long because crouched on top, hugging the tank, bent low, and with legs wrapped tight around the engine was a woman. And what a woman!
One glance at her and my IQ dropped 20 points.
She was wearing a tight full body leather riding suit; entirely in hot pink with metal studs along the seams. Rounding out the ensemble were rattlesnake cowboy boots, a pink helmet with blacked out face shield, gloves, the works. There are strippers that dress more subtly.
There’s no reason a woman can’t ride a motorcycle and many do. But this woman wasn’t riding a cruiser, she was astride a custom painted estrogen palace; a two wheeled mechanical erogenous zone. And she wasn’t riding her motorcycle, she was flogging it. The bike, obviously dialed for speed, was wringing massive power from the generic Honda engine. Both our bikes had left the factory as twins but her’s had become a party girl.
The body suit left nothing to the imagination and she had all the right curves in exactly the right places. It took effort to keep my wits about me as she glanced my way; remember we were side by side at 85 MPH coming out of the tail end of a canyon switchback! She nodded once. I nodded back. Then she ripped open the throttle like she had an appointment with the horizon and her bike practically exploded with power.
I was delighted as she passed because the view went from excellent to better. She had breasts like Wonder Woman but her ass was so otherworldly that my poor ratbike’s carburetors gasped for breath. It’s not humanly possible to let an ass like that fade into the distance so I paced her from a hundred yards behind as the road plunged down a steep rock face and all three bikes leaned into the turns like jets.
It must have made a strange procession, had anyone seen it. Three totally unlike objects in rapid succession. A staid and unexciting ST1100 sport tourer a half mile to the front. Totally stock and competently if dully zipping along with all the excitement of a tax return. Followed by a thundering cacophony of feminine sexuality crashing around turns like a lioness in heat. Hungrily gaining ground on every apex and hard charging toward…. toward what? Followed, well at the back, by yours truly; stunned and dusty, churning along with his ratbike and spare gas tank. Looking for all the world like a low rent Mad Max refugee.
I watched that delicious ass top the canyon rim somewhere west of Lizard Head Pass at around 10,000 feet. She caught up with the ST1100 and they were obviously together. That lucky bastard! She paced with the ST1100 while I enjoyed the view from behind. After a few miles we came to a fork in the road, they went one way and I went the other. Eventually my heart stopped palpitating.
After they were gone bewilderment washed over me. The “uncool” motorcycle had disappeared into the sunset with an aggressive neon sex kitten while I’d be rolling out a lonely sleeping bag in the dirt? Some forces in the universe are beyond my understanding.
So, if you’re shopping for a motorcycle, all I can say is that you should definitely look into it. As much as I love my humble ratbike, it doesn’t have the best feature of the ST1100. That feature, the “inexplicably hot woman attractor”, is worth whatever you pay for it. If you think your heart can withstand whatever feminine creature was roaring around on her pink canyon carver, buy one. Buy one now and burn up the switchbacks on the back range of the Rockies. Report back to me if you find her. In fact, don’t bother reporting back, based on her outfit, her riding, and my fevered imagination, you’re going to have your hands full. Good luck.
So what you’re saying is that Hot Biker Chick ALSO used the Google English-to-Czech translator???
Apparently ST1100 means “rich and handsome” in Czech.
I have to go take a cold shower.
“the “inexplicably hot woman attractor”, is worth whatever you pay for it.”
Sometimes I really wish I had more money.
Photographs, please or it didn’t happen …
If there were photographs they’d be framed and hanging on my wall.
If they were framed and hanging on your wall, you’d be paying alimony. Or be dead…
}:-]
Oh yikes, that’d cost a hell of a lot more than an ST1300.
I agree with @Mark Matis – your ass would be grass and Mrs. Curmudgeon would be the lawnmower …. Just sayin’, is all …
You’ll get no disagreement from me.
Well, actually, owning an ST1100 doesn’t require much money. Honda discontinued them with the 2002 model year, replacing it with the ST1300, and this year adding the CTX1300, indicating the ST1300 probably won’t be around much longer. A new ST1300, with ABS, is about $14K, and ST1100s in very good condition can be had for $3-4K. Couple things about ST1100s – since the last one was made in 2002 (although Honda still makes them in police livery, primarily for Pacific rim countries, though the Brits and French have a bunch), it’ll be at least 13 years old. Second, expect high mileage. STs were designed to be ridden, and ridden they are. I’ve seen quite a few over 300K and a couple nearing 500K; there’s a reason the odometer goes to a million. Major maintenance is a cam belt every 100K, brake pads, filters and tires as needed, other than that, keep the tank full and ride it. FYI, the 1100 tank is 7.5 gallons to the cap, the 1300 a tenth more, so either does distance rather well. My 1100 went from Orlando to the pier in Key West non-stop more than once. (It’s worth noting the Iron Butt has been won a few times by ST1100s, with a 3 gallon aux tank on a luggage rack).
The ST doesn’t do anything excellently except always run. Everything else, though, is well above average, and for a 700 lb bike, it’s fairly light on its feet. The 1300 handles better than the 1100, but when the 1300 came out a lot of 1100s went on the block, and about a year later a bunch of those 1300s were being sold and the 1100s bought back.
This story is from back when an ST1100 was top of the line and about as far out of my league as hot women in skin tight pink leather bodysuits. Even now the MSRP for a 2102 ST 1300 is a cringeworthy $18,230. That’s still beyond me.
Yes, of course used bikes are much cheaper; just never cheap enough that I can buy another one. Hmmm… have times changed? Anyone who’s got a BMW R1200 GS in excellent mechanical condition (possibly with sidecar) that they’ll part with for pocket change… contact me ASAP. I’ll gladly take it off your hands. 🙂 I don’t care what year or how ugly it might be but I intend to rider it to hell and back so it can’t be a basket case. 😉
I hope you don’t mind, but I posted a link to this series to the ST-Owners.com forum ( http://st-owners.com ). Maybe I should have asked before doing so….I don’t know the rules. It’s a good forum where owners of ST1100’s and ST1300’s (myself included…ST1300 and Harley Ultra Limited….I’m bi-polar apperently) gather to exchange information about their Ric Ocasek-mobiles. I loved the story, and I’m sure there are folks on the forum who will as well.
Scott
No problem, link away. If the hot pink woman recognises herself I salute her!
Incidentally I’m in the market for an irrationally cheap side/hack combination and if there’s a ST1100 combo in my price range I’m all ears… I’m just sayin.
Don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no sidehacks, but check this out:
http://www.st-owners.com/forums/showthread.php?134505-Micro-Airstream
This guy built himself a micro airstream trailer to pull behind his ST1100. Thought you might appreciate the ingenuity and craftsmanship.
Man that’s some excellent craftsmanship.
Predictably, the guy’s German. Fahrvergnügen….or something.