Guardians Of The Galaxy

I just watched Guardians Of The Galaxy. I expected it to suck. I was wrong.

Let me start by explaining why I genuinely expected another two hour shitfest:

1. I don’t give a crap about Marvel versus DC. (I prefer Cracked.)
2. At some point it is possible to see too many explosions… even in space.
3. I’ve been “superheroed” to death. See #1.
4. I’ve been CGI’d to death. See #2.
5. The trailer convinced me to prefer anything else; such as a root canal.

Then I read a post by someone who liked the movie even though they hated the trailer. (I can’t remember who wrote it but if it was you please send me a note.) Could there be hope?

I also bumped into several positive reviews written by actual human beings. Note; I only pay attention to “non-Hollywood” reviews. Any movie with a sufficient budget (and they’re all huge) gets good reviews by well payed hacks who, as far as I can tell, are bred in vats. Why pay attention to their orgasmic ravings after every new plotless CGI fest?

I needed a break and a reward. So I paid (too much) for tickets. To my delight, it was a damn fun movie. For the first time in years I left the theater without feeling like a chump. Your mileage may vary.

I’m not going to do a plot synopsis because fuck that, that’s why. Instead I’ll point out some good points the trailer missed.

Casting real world homicidal maniac Vladimir Putin as Drax the Destroyer was a stroke of genius.

Rocket Raccoon is exactly like the raccoons that raid my chicken coop. Very realistic.

I have twice met giant murderous trees like Groot. Once in 2012 and once in 2013. I vanquished both in battle. Each time it was a hard fought victory. Well portrayed.

A slight casting misstep. Cool headgear and a leather jacket don’t make up for the fact that the Starlord is a dimwit from “Parks And Recreation”. Is that “pleather” on a space pirate? See what I mean? Ron Swanson should be the Starlord!

Bad choice for Starlord.

The right choice for Starlord.

Gamora was totally hot and uh… what was I thinking?