I Want A Carrier Pigeon

My cheap, ugly, scratched, “disposable” cell phone has died after more years of service than most vehicles can muster.  I’ve been without it a couple weeks (I’m a blogger without a cell phone… go figure).  It sucks.  I’ve reluctantly accepted that it’s damn near impossible to do business and travel in 2013 without a cell phone.

So I guess the bastards are getting some of my money.  I’ve been looking around the web for advice about replacing my broken piece of shit phone with an unbroken piece of shit phone.  Everything was ok… at first.

Then I decided to get one with capacity for an earpiece.  (Which is apparently the incorrect vocabulary.  It seems that only octogenarians and I use “earpiece”.  I’m refer to one those blue tooth hands free devices that make it look like hipsters are talking to the air in front of them while they step into open manholes.)

There is some sort of “if it saves one life” rule that if you hold a cell phone to your ear while driving a commercial truck, the cops punch you in the balls and ship you to Guantanamo.  I never talk on the phone while driving (privately or commercially).  Why?  Because I’m driving dammit!  However, should I, in a moment of weakness, answer a call while at the wheel of a dump truck I’m suddenly a terrorist.  My previous phone was so old that I couldn’t buy a “hands free” headset.  They probably made them once but I’d need to find an antique dealer in Botswana to get one.  (Scratch that… everyone in Botswana probably has a smart phone in their mud hut.)  With a new phone I might as well remove the legal liability (appearance of impropriety?) by getting an earpiece/headset/implant/matrix visualizer.

Once I typed the word “hand free” and unleashed Google, things got funky.  The universe attacked me with smart phone errata.  I’ve been stuffed down the rabbit hole by nerds with plungers.  Also companies that make money selling nothing on monthly payment plans smelled blood in the water.

This is precisely why I hate it when old but functional equipment breaks.  Now I have to ponder stuff that bores me; CMDA versus GSM, Android 4.0 versus 4.x, Bluetooth and/or 3GWifi, and lions and tigers oh my.

This isn’t to say I’m incapable of grokking CMDA versus GSM.  (I not a complete idiot.)  It’s just that I don’t give a rat’s ass about it.  Every second my brain is distracted by smart phones and the people that love them, God kills a kitten.  I like kittens.  (Though I hate cats.)

Surely there is a market niche for someone in cyberspace to service the low cost low care caller?  Someone who’ll identify a cheap phone that’ll meet my needs, write the number on the case phone in black marker, FedEx it, and then disappear from my life forever.

By the way, I did lay down a couple of ground rules that make it harder.  I use prepaid service.  Tracfone I believe.  Why?  Because I don’t do monthly plans for anything less important than a house (or when I’m desperate… a vehicle).  Also, I’ll die before I let an iDevice sully my truck cab.  I’m just sayin’.

I’m thinking I may have to go to WalMart and deal with Lakisha at the electronics department.  I’m not that desperate yet.  I might choose instead to become a sheepherder and join the Basques in Spain.  I’m pretty sure they’d let me borrow their smartphones once in a while and my dog loves guarding sheep.

A.C.

Update:  I’m also looking for a small metal case for the phone.  It must be metal… because Faraday.  Remember the good old days when wondering if the Government was spying on you phone meant you were paranoid instead of correct?

Update 2:  I had to venture inside a WalMart.  It was horrible!  They were out of stock and the salesman seemed confused by the concept of a TracFone pre-pay as opposed to the “Pay A Monthly Bill Until You Die” approach that is apparently our patriotic duty.  They were sold out and some kid sneezed on my pant leg.  For the greater good of society I should have cracked the little cretin in the noggin.  Instead I fled.  I will order off the Internet and have a phone delivered by FedEx… after I take a bath in Lysol.