Chevy Volt: Unicorn Sighting II

As I mentioned before I’d seen an actual non-theoretical Volt in the parking lot of an actual non-theoretical restaurant. Could I pick the owner from the customers inside?

I was looking for a professional (because Volts are expensive), who was urbane (because you don’t haul pigs in a Volt), politically active (because you buy a Volt over a Civic only for political reasons), and female (because I expect no man more macho than Woody Allen or Al Gore to own a Volt). Mrs. Curmudgeon mentioned the Volt was driven by a male last time we sighted it. I waved this off on the presumption that he was imprisoned in his wife’s car. (Gentlemen…how many of you drive/own mini-vans for that reason?)

I scanned an unlikely crowd and settled on a well dressed professional looking woman in perhaps her late 30’s. She was the Volt owner. I was sure of it.

She was lunching with another professional looking woman. Which one was the owner? They were so identical I couldn’t decide. For some reason all the likely choices were eating in pairs with a demographic clone of themselves. Mrs. Curmudgeon was the only one stuck having lunch in the company of a clueless hairy male who plays stupid games like “Volt hunter”. The men ate in groups, alone, or in pairs with no pattern. I have no idea what that means but it’s what I saw.

(Warning: Paranoid observation follows)

Curiously all the women had smart phones laying face up on their respective tables. I’ve seen this elsewhere too. Is it socially required to have the phone prominently displayed? What is the phone doing? Is it checking facebook? Calculating stock valuations? Playing porn? Is it there in case it rings once and it’s too hard to get it out of a pocket in time? Are they expecting an important call? From who? Their boss? Their dealer? What’s up with the phone?!?

In my eyes the prominent face up phone made it look disturbingly like they were carefully yet openly recording their conversations. (This whole line of thinking made my tinfoil hat vibrate.) Obviously that’s not true but check it out yourself next time you eat lunch somewhere. Check out the phone and where it’s placed. They looked like cops taping a suspect’s questioning or reporters recording an interview. In contrast, the men (who probably have iDevices too) universally keep them out of sight… as God intended. Am I the first person to notice the “phones on the table” effect?

(End paranoid observation)

Mrs. Curmudgeon hesitantly agreed with my “Volt owner” guess. Fifteen minutes later the women left in two generic econobox cars. Prediction failure!

I scanned again and settled on the only other likely people in the restaurant. They looked like two nurses. They had the requisite iDevices tracking their conversations. A nurse in an impractical $40,000 car seemed odd but that was my best call.

Mrs. Curmudgeon picked a couple of guys. Perhaps they’re really nice fellows that like to discuss poetry but the rough appearance was two muscle heads taking a break from powerlifting at the gym and possibly crushing cement with their bare hands. Jocks in a Volt? Impossible! If that’s true I’d expect to see vegan poets driving dump trucks.

You know where this is going right?

Sure enough the two fellows got up and drove away in the Volt. Both men were wearing identical gym shorts in 40 degree weather. Both looked strong enough to break my spine if I insulted their car.

Mrs. Curmudgeon was right and I was wrong! She was not humble about her accomplishment. She refrained from tap dancing on my head in joy but I can tell it was hard. I promised to blog about my inglorious failed prognostication and her superior intellect. I suck and she rocks. What else can I say?

Based on this new observation I’ve changed my demographic profile of Volt owners.

• Wrong demographic: A wealthy politically active white collar woman who is taking her friend on a break from their job at a non-profit community organizing charity to eat a light lunch of leafy greens.

• Right demographic: Matching pairs of short stocky body builders wearing gym clothes and taking a break from their mixed martial arts training regimen to wolf down a pound of meat before another two hours of hammering the heavy bag.

I have learned much today.