I recently mentioned that my telephone, which should ring no more than once a fortnight, is ringing off the hook. It’s entirely calls from mindless political drones, ignorant political robots, and an occasional innocent machine mistreated by political drones and robots. Plus several calls where I got to be one of the ten sane people who hang up on pollsters for every moron that speaks to them. (How can a phone poll in 2012 be anything other than anachronistic?)
I also mentioned that it was mostly one sided.
Of course they’re not called the stupid party for nothing. Three calls today… each from the Republicans. Here’s how it went:
Call #1
“Hello this is the local Republican party asking you to vote tomorrow…”
“I sure am. I’m gonna’ vote me a new Obamaphone. Did you know Romney is in league with the NRA and they want everyone to own machine guns and rape trees?”
“Well sir I don’t think….”
“Free phone! Yahoo!” (Click)
Call #2
“Hello this is the supporters of candidate Z asking you to vote for him and also the whole party line…”
“Oh god no! I’m a gay vegan yoga instructor and the thought of you snake handling wierdos in power makes me weep on the dash of my Prius. Did I mention I’m gay. Really extra gay. I’m going to find out where you live and get married there.”
“It’s not like that. We’re inclusive of all…”
“I’m going to get married to my pet lizard. In a pagan ceremony. In the park. At full moon. Naked.”
“Uhhhh…”
(Click…I couldn’t think of any more and the poor guy was too earnest to lie to him any more.)
Call #3
“This is the state Republican party reminding you to vote…”
“Vote? When?”
“Tomorrow. The election is tomorrow.”
“Good grief how the time does fly.”
“So you’re undecided?”
“Yep! Who do you think I should vote for?”
(This got the guy really excited.)
“Well I’m happy to tell you that…”
“You see I had no idea there was an election…”
“But I’m trying to tell you that…”
“Because I haven’t been outside since March…”
“But you can still vote…”
“And I was dropped on my head…”
“I can help you register…”
“And I’ve been in a coma. And living in a cave. And I don’t have a radio, or TV, or computer…. And I can’t read. And I haven’t spoken to another person in years.”
“Sir? You’re messing with me aren’t you?”
“You’re a bright boy. You should get a better job…”
“I’m a volunteer.”
“…with better pay.”
(There was a pause on the other end of the line and a sigh. I think I’d broken his young idealistic heart. But he didn’t give up.)
“Well perhaps I can ask who you’re voting for?”
“You can certainly ask.”
(Another sigh.) “And you’re not going to tell me.”
“Excellent deduction. Now say thank you and hang up before I’m forced to taunt you a second time.”
“Uhh… Thank you?”
“And thank you too! Next time we meet, which should be never, I hope you’re getting paid to work. Also Merry Christmas!” (Click.)
well played sir, well played
You are so mean. Is it wrong that I am laughing? I’m gonna work at the polls this afternoon (for low pay) after my regular low-paying job. Can we PLEASE elect no one?
When they called me I told them I was a black democrat who was going to vote for Romney because I thought Obama had sold me down the river. It was a robo call. Let ’em guess.