COGs have a lifestyle which has become remarkable as society around it has changed (see: “tanked”). Many demographics have somehow created a mess of their lives while COGs keep on keepin’ on like they always have. COGs take pride in their household’s lack of drama.
Figure 1: A nice COG house. Unfortunately this house whas subsequently the scene of non-COG activity.
- COGs live in houses. A COG never truly feels at home in a condo, rental, timeshare, RV, cardboard box, or yurt. They endeavor to own their house.
- COGs buy a house solely so they can live in it. They think investments are investments and houses are houses. You can tell the difference because you never have to re-shingle a 401(k). COGs have simple mortgages and make payments religiously. COGs secretly wonder how everyone who doesn’t have a house gets through the night.
- COGs moved out of their parent’s house as soon as possible. They want their kids to do the same.
- COGs do not have to live in the suburbs but that is one of their main habitats.
- COGs have a lawn and they mow it. Lawns are important to COGs. Without a lawn where would the dog shit? COGs mow their own lawns. Hiring a guy named Jose and his six brothers to trim around the petunias just seems weird to a COG. A 20 horsepower riding lawnmower for a quarter acre is reasonable. An electric push mower is not.
- COG hobbies include fishing,gardening, and inexplicably, bowling. Modern science cannot explain bowling.
- Rural COGs hunt deer. Urban COGs don’t. Extremes either way are not COG fashion. If you have “Save Bambi” tattooed on your thigh or recently went on a safari to bag a Yeti you’re not a COG.
- Male COGs have tools and do basic repairs to their home and/or car. They might build shelves or a doghouse. If you need a plumber to put a washer in the kitchen faucet or if you’re building a 40′ steampunk airship in your backyard, you’re not a COG.
- COGs who get married mean it when they take their vows. They intend to stay married forever. Did you know 50% all marriages end in divorce? The other 50% don’t. COGs are still around!
- If a COG has a pet it’s a dog or a cat. COGs do not have miniature horses or pot bellied pigs. A farmer COG might have cows. If so, he won’t name them.
So there you have it. The well maintained and inherently reasonable COG household. The polar opposite of the freak shows which seem increasingly common. I’ve got a lot more respect for a COG’s house than a rock star’s mansion.
