iPod and the Curmudgeon

Like many homeowners, I was shocked when ninjas slipped into my house by cover of darkness and deposited an iPod in my kid’s room. I don’t like Apple products so ninjas are the only possible explanation. My wife, who is surely innocent in all this, agrees. It was iNinjas. They have attacked before with an iMac and an earlier version iPod. All I know is that if Steve Jobs tries to sell anything more in my vicinity he’s going to get his iButt iKicked. I am a Curmudgeon after all.

I tried mightily to load my kid’s iDevice with a few of my favorite CDs (can you believe it…there was a time when you purchased physical media for your money…I’m so out of date). Alas, Curmudgeons are not good iConsumers. My computer resembles a garage sale and runs Ubuntu on whatever parts still function. As far as I can determine, iTunes was designed solely to extract my credit card information and then fail to upload songs. I’d been iDefeated. (Full disclosure: I’ve recently purchased a new laptop and it came with Windows. I haven’t yet switched the OS and I’m already considering finding Bill Gates and WinKicking his WinButt.)

My wife, with iNinja assistance I’m sure, got iTunes working in an undisclosed location. She started feeding our kid a diet of music and audiobooks. I offered helpful hints; songs that are appropriate to explain to a young boy the important things in life. At my suggestion my son now knows the words to Godzilla (by Blue Oyster Cult), We Will Rock You / We Are The Champions (by Queen), The Immigrant Song (by Led Zeppelin), and Boy Named Sue (by Johnny Cash). I’m pleased that he’s learning lessons about stomping Tokyo, stomping the floor, Vikings stomping everybody, and a heartwarming tale of overcoming a difficult childhood through a gun/knife fight with your father that causes an epiphany and rejection of his actions. I’m glad to see music lighting the way to proper morals.

My wife kindly served as the intermediary between iMarketers and my suggestions. I lacked earphones so assumed all was well in my kid’s musical selections. Then one day I discovered that Huey Lewis and the News had seeped into my son’s iPod! Timid pop amid stomped Tokyo trains? Mixed with ferocious guitar solos and Robert Plant’s screaming? In a gunfight Johnny Cash would have drawn first and been rotting in Folsom Prison before Huey knew what hit him! What had transpired?

So now I’m going to monitor the iPod more carefully. I’m going to start by trying once again to iShove my old Jimi Hendrix CD’s (which never leave the car’s radio) into his iPod; possibly using a sledge hammer. He already knows the words to Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)….but another several thousand replays couldn’t hurt.

After all, he’s growing up in a world with threats like frozen yogurt and people who can’t drive a car with a clutch. He needs all the musical inspiration I can give him.