July 4th 2026 is coming. This is how it would be in a perfect universe.
Trump and JD Vance perform the following rap duet. It’s a glorious thing.
In the interest of bipartisanship, Trump hands Schumer a microphone mid rap. Schumer flawlessly adds the beatbox track. Nancy Pelosi grabs a microphone and does the panting background. It’s a little skeevy watching an elderly woman pant like a dog but then her husband joins in and everyone just goes with it. Her husband silently does an interpretative dance wearing only underwear while carrying a hammer. He calls it the “gay naked hammer fight shuffle”. The crowd loves it!
There’s an open bar but Trump cheaped out. It serves only boxed wine and Diet Coke. The only food comes from Taco Bell, and it’s cold. This is the only frugal thing that has ever happened in DC.
Hillary tries to drink every box of wine. However, Kamala grabs one of them out of her hands. The two start competing as only angry drunk women can. Oh no! They’re both sloshed and they’re about to come to blows!
Luckily, they find common ground. They join forces to attack AOC; calling her “a basic bitch who needs a lesson”.
AOC isn’t afraid of either drunk geezer and she’s not fucking around. She pulls a knife from a concealed sheath sewn into her cleavage revealing $9,000 dress that says “rich people suck”. She tries to stab Hillary but misses narrowly.
The blade swings wide and nearly skewers Fetterman who was merely standing there looking like a thug in a hoodie. He wails “am I the only one with a functioning brain?”
Millions of Americans, many of whom are livestreaming the event instead of having a real life, agree. An instant poll clocks in at 89% of votes going to: “having a stroke is the clearest sign of mental fitness in DC”. “I’m sure our nation is run by adults” comes in a distant second at 10%. The remaining one percent are divided between several thousand variants of “I’m an FBI plant watching this” and 53 individuals who all specifically replied “I am Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill”. The latter causes the NSA to have an aneurysm.
Seeing a knife fight, if a half-assed one, Biden joins the violence. He shouts “fuck off Corn Pop” and then wanders away to take a nap. Bernie Sanders does his part by ineffectively chucking a dinner roll at nobody in particular.
Trump tells everyone to cool it and takes the knife away. A circuit court judge from Hawaii takes the knife from Trump and gives it back to AOC, because stabbing Fetterman is a protected civil liberty either specifically enumerated in the constitution or at least implied by penumbras. AOC meekly promises from now on she’ll only stab people who vote like they need stabbin’. The press reports this is a sign of inter-party unity.
Eventually every member of Congress and the Supreme Court is completely wasted on Bud Light and legal weed. They’ve started a bonfire using a print version of the most recent omnibus bill, a single copy of which requires three dump trucks.
Trump, who doesn’t drink, can’t quite keep up with the festivities but Melania is on her third bottle of champagne; from the private wineries of Trump International, which somehow owns most of France. Fauchi, who was not invited and is technically on the lam in Botswana, appears. He’s crashed the gate by commanding the Secret Service “BOW TO THE SCIENCE”; which somehow actually worked. He explains that if Trump International didn’t make the drink in the correct region of France it’s merely sparkling wine.
Melania throws her incredibly fashionable shoes at Fauchi, who goes scampering off into the underbrush. She starts complaining about “dipshits messing up the landscaping”. Alas, she’s speaking in a foreign language and nobody knows what she’s saying. Trump saves everyone from admitting they never studied language in high school by pointing out the next musical act is ready.
Kid Rock launches into a heavy metal/ grunge band / southern fried rock version of the Star Spangled Banner. It’s so over-amped that the Lincoln Memorial cracks and Lee Greenwood gets an erection from three time zones away. Canada begins to cry at the sight of their southern neighbor going full retard. Mexico cranks Lowrider by War and kicks back to watch their northern neighbor continue to be as retarded as it has always been.
Pete Hegseth whips out an unencrypted cell phone and orders the military to put on “the biggest fireworks display ever”. Teenage boys everywhere forget about AOC’s cleavage and wonder how they can get their hands on Hegseth’s phone.
Dozens of fighter jets and bombers fly by, going thunderously low and in formation. Everyone agrees it was the most awesome thing ever. Then an errant A10 warthog comes by at 1/4 the speed of everything else and strafes a dumpster into oblivion. The crowd goes nuts. Precision high tech flight is nothing compared to “machine gun go brrrrrr”.
Terrified that an obsolete plane which doesn’t bring in much funding is the star of the show, the Pentagon pulls out all the stops. Soon missiles and drones and one top secret thing that looks like the UFO from the X Files are all buzzing around the crowded airspace. Every air traffic controller for miles needs therapy the next day but for once everyone is competent. Well, there is one mistake. The State of Delaware is completely vaporized by an errant missile. However, that just makes the crowd cheer more. Everyone agrees nobody cares about Delaware and the best fireworks are nuclear. Biden is asleep and can’t comment.
Twelve hours later the party is over. Roughly 300,000,000 Americans are hung over. Most of congress won’t sober up for a week. Biden is missing. Fetterman has had another stroke, which everyone agrees will make him “a team player” in the next congressional session.
The Army Corps of Engineers is grudgingly cleaning up the mess. This comes after a stern talking to from Melania, who everyone wants to please. She’s somehow acquired Hegseth’s phone and seems prepared to use it.
Kid Rock wakes up in a sleeping bag. He’s in there with a woman but he’s afraid to look at who it is. He doesn’t know if it’s AOC or Hillary. His head is throbbing and so are other body parts. He can’t face the world yet.
The White House is smoldering. The Supreme Court is collapsed. Guam is capsized.
JD Beams happily. “Now that’s how we partied in hillbilly country!”
The ensuing hangover is a month long window of planetary world peace. France has surrendered. The rest of the EU has gone radio silent. North Korea has opened its borders. Germany has closed its borders. The American government is briefly solvent.
Having witnessed absolute mayhem over what’s basically a birthday party, China and Russia decide to lay low for a while. They have secret phone conversations which are immediately decrypted by the NSA. Some excerpts: “Did you see that shit?” “What the fuck is a Delaware?”
The peace doesn’t last long. Soon everything is back to normal. The government is haphazardly spending money that doesn’t exist and the people are bitching that they want more. Congress is debating the “trans-sexual, one legged, albino, kittens and puppies act”. This somehow includes funding an aircraft carrier group, a solid gold mansion for individuals who’s names are classified, and mandatory a cappella singing lessons for every 5th grader in the Nation.
Everyone is pissed off at everyone; just as we’re accustomed to. Trump and Melania witness the nation returning to stupid divisive matters and hug, the kids are going to be alright.
The sole exception is Bernie’s Sanders, Cash Patel, and Ron DeSantis. Those three have had a joint shared catharsis. Sanders now has a tattoo of a cash register in his ass. Cash Patel has a similar styled Karl Marx tattooed on his ass. This came about due to a game of “chicken”. Nobody knows what’s tattooed on DeSantis and he ain’t saying.
The three jointly buy Epstein’s Island, move there, raze all the buildings, and start planting organic garlic for sale on eBay. They build three huts in which to live. Sanders’ hut is made of straw. Patel’s hut is made of sticks. DeSantis’ hut is, inexplicably, made of titanium.
Kid Rock is still trapped in the sleeping bag.