I’m working my ass off but posting very little; please be patient. Among many irons in the fire, Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels looms large. Progress has been made. I’ve never written a whole book and ending it has been hard. (I still have more shit to say!)
Regardless, I think folks will like it. I promise I’m not slacking off.
WTF am I talking about?
For those of you who aren’t long time readers of this blog, eight years ago I started writing a humorous serialized novel. It’s a satirical allegory about Lesbian Activist Squirrels. They’ve learned to harness the mind-control power of bullshit. They wreak havoc on their immediate surroundings and then double down by heading to Portland, the place where you go if you’ve screwed up in life, have no resources, and have no good plan. They were last seen en route to a heavily foreshadowed big boss battle.
I posted as I wrote; dozens of posts adding up to several hundred of pages. I wanted to make sure it’s a fun read and I humbly think I succeeded. But I’m a slow writer, so posts have been infrequent. (Forgive me for sounding like I take my self seriously as a writer of “literature”. I assure you, I don’t.)
Anyway, I started the story with a good heart and that’s still where I am. It was a small attempt to help us all lighten up. At the time of its inception, America was losing its shit over the looming, unavoidable, absolutely certain, completely without doubt, statistically guaranteed, coronation of Hillary Clinton. Remember her? Politics is always dirty but that the campaign “season” was the worst, ugliest, most overwrought, most propaganda laden, miserable festival of human indignity I’d yet experienced. (Little did I know what would follow!)
Too much bullshit was making everyone freak out. It’s ok to pay attention to politics but you shouldn’t let it drive you mad. I fretted that many people were taking politics too seriously, thus willing a horrific clusterfuck into being. (A situation that, in my opinion, came to pass.)
Our dog, a big white Great Pyrenes, challenged a black bear. The bear had been raiding my favorite bird feeder. I joked that the only possible reason a white dog would bark at a black bear was racism. Right now, I’m 650 pages and eight years into that joke!
The first bit went on-line during the time of Barak Obama. (Remember all the racial healing?) Every single event that happened, from the rising of the sun to one’s preference in breakfast cereal was attributed to racism. It was all so exhausting. I mocked it. Mockery turned out to be a good idea. I needed it. We all did.
Are you old enough to remember a time that was modestly more sane? I am. It wasn’t half bad! Folks were calm at least some of the time. There were gaps between election cycles. When the guy you liked lost, you could shrug your shoulders and think “better luck next time”. You could see a campaign speech and not wonder “will he be arrested or assassinated first”. I’m so old I remember when the FBI solved crimes (or at least appeared to) rather than perpetrating them. I’m so naïve I once believed we’d find out what the deal was with Epstein. Can you imagine?
Anyway, I wrote a few funny posts about the bear and it felt like saner times. Humor is a lifeline!
I kept writing and the story grew. Meanwhile, other sources of humor dried up. Hollywood crawled up its own ass. Saturday Night Live and the Tonight Show were early casualties. Seinfeld gave up going near college campuses. Chapelle was nearly crushed. J. K. Rowling only persists because she’s apparently unkillable.
Never stop laughing! Satire allows us to face truth.
Exactly four months ago, I wrote the ending to Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels. To decompress, I hopped on my dirtbike and rode across Wyoming. I’d written a rough draft. I know enough to let a story “rest” for a while and then edit the hell out of it.
Recently I re-edited the ending. As expected, I changed all sorts of shit. The major events remain the same but presentation, order, and details are all new… and better. Editing is hard. It takes time, but it’s worth it.
I’m not done but I’m closer. Now comes the final push…
I’m going to go over the book a couple more times this month and then move forward with logistics.
I have no idea how to format a POD book (POD = print on demand, i.e. actually printed on dead tree). Nor do I know how to format an Amazon Kindle file. I guess I’ll learn.
My plan is to sell both printed on paper and Kindle, probably through Amazon (it’s the the monopoly du jour, why fight it?). I might sell printed on paper, directly though my blog too.
It’s going to take a while to figure out all that formatting and stuff. I’m sorry, but I won’t have it done by Christmas. I tried but I’m just one guy (and I’ve got a day job!).
Up until Christmas Eve 2022, I’d posted very word of the story (several hundred pages). I also left it “live” on my blog. I wanted to continue that approach but Amazon won’t allow it. Something about “exclusively on Amazon and not on some rando’s blog”. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules.
As a first pass with compliance I shut down the index. Meaning what you could read before you can still read but it’s “hard to find”. I’m gonna’ take those pieces down but not yet. Part of that is I’m not a WordPress programmer and never found one I could hire.
But don’t fret. I’ve got an idea.
I’m going to check the rules carefully. Once I get things ready I’ll announce it. It’ll be “available for pre-order” or something like that. Plus I think I can sell anything I want on “dead tree” paper. (Still checking on that.)
Then, if I can, I think I’ll post all the pieces I’d already posted. Don’t think I’m holding out on ya’ that’s something like 141 posts! Plus there’s about 120 pages that have never seen the light of day!
I think I can comply by putting up a post and then taking it down, in succession, for all those pieces. A 1,500 word chunk goes live, then the next day or whatever, it vanishes and the next 1,500 word chunk follows. I’ve never heard of anyone else putting up a full novel that way. It’s a big undertaking, by my reckoning, it would be a post a day, every day for about six months. (I really could use a WordPress nerd.)
I really want it available for free (in addition to for sale), but I think this is all I can do if Amazon cracks the whip.
If all this sounds like the ravings of an unpublished author who needs to be hit with a clue by four… well maybe it is. At least you know:
- I’m working on it and approaching done.
- Sooner or later you’ll be able to read it.
Also, I hope y’all have a Merry Christmas. (If you insist instead on a Happy Holidays, I won’t stop you.)
A.C.