Having made it to camp, I patted myself on the back for attaining escape velocity. The gravity well of home is deep!
I setup my tent right away. My tent is a miracle of technology and toughness. If you want to go polar bear hunting on an ice floe in Greenland, this is the gear you need. It seemed stupid to deploy it in a frozen mostly abandoned park.
I was definitely over / well equipped like someone using a tactical nuke to kill a mosquito. But then again I will eventually (and already have) use them in much harsher conditions. Also you should practice using your gear in non-mission critical times so you’re experienced for when it really matters.
I’m providing Amazon links so you know about the psycho-tent I’m discussing. I get a tiny kickback if you buy anything off my links so thanks if you use them. All the stuff linked has served me well and I bought them with my own money. But be warned that these are very expensive tents. They’re overkill for many uses. If you’re an average beginner “3-season” camper you can buy something a lot cheaper. (Even I use a different and cheaper tent in the summer.) Here goes: Russian Bear Market UP 2, Caminus M Stove, Teton XXL Cot, Teton XXL Mattress.
Being exquisitely equipped for the ultimate worst conditions is fun but I was embarrased to be on a plain old campsite. Then again I learned something. The tent came with special ice stakes that will auger right into pure ice and also dig into frozen soil. You can anchor the tent like it’ll ride a hurricane (which I tend to do… I’d rather spend a few minutes drilling spikes than fret about conditions).
The ice stakes would work perfectly except the campsite had been plowed. The plow removed the snow/ice in which I would otherwise anchor. All I had was frozen heavily packed (nearly pavement) gravel. Frozen packed gravel isn’t the same as frozen soil. I couldn’t get a stake firmly into it. Finally I anchored a few points with very long guy lines going to a tree, a power pole, a hunk of cement, and one spot of green grass soil (where the ice spike worked great). Every trip you learn a little more.
My tent is supposedly a quick setup but in real world conditions, it seems like I dither about an hour before it’s done. Partly that’s me moving slow. Also I wasted far too much time on stakes.
Once the tent was up (including the woodstove and cot) I assessed my firewood bundle. Pure shit! It would burn, but for my little woodstove I wanted something better. I wandered off into the campsite adjacent forest and gathered up a bunch of small diameter wood. Think pool cue. I wanted it small and easy to light. It wasn’t a bitter cold blizzard so I was more worried about “easy to light” than “stay burning a long time”.
I brought my gatherings to the tent and broke everything up shorter than necessary. This made a big pile of small wood. I’d probably gone overboard with the little hunks of wood.
For bigger wood, I found a nice fallen log about 7″ diameter and was about to attack it with my little electric chainsaw. Chainsaws ain’t welcome in parks but an electric is almost silent and the log was dead. Alas, I’d forgotten my chainsaw. Rookie mistake! I’d also forgotten my splitting maul. Whoops.
Once the tent (and nighttime heat) was squared away, I lit a fire in the fire ring using the store bought wood. It mostly smoked. Shitty wood will do that. I separated out a couple of the smaller hunks that would fit well in the little woodstove and stored them in my tent. I probably wouldn’t need them but better safe than sorry.
Eventually I got the fire going enough for good coals and slapped a fat steak on a grill. (I’d brought a grill.) Finally everything was right with the world. I tuned my little shortwave to some oompa oompah Mexican style music. I have no idea where it came from but it had non-ironic tubas. I parked my ass in a lawn chair and cracked a beer that had chilled to near crystalline temps.
A friend texted me. How novel, cell service while camping! Modern conveniences are more welcome in cold conditions. I told him I was listening to shortwave and drinking beer by lantern light.
“What’s on shortwave?”
“I think it’s Radio Free Cuba. I don’t speak Spanish very well so I’m not sure.”
“You’re listening to propaganda.”
“I’m listening to tubas. Let’s do an experiment, click to NPR and tell me the first thing you hear.”
“Too lazy to go to radio. Checking web.” Pause. “Apparently there’s a drought in California and it’s associated with limited electrical power projected for the summer. Wait for it… yep, all this was caused by Republicans.”
“Propaganda!” I chuckled. “The people’s glorious electrical grid is a marvel of production efficiency but suffers at the hands of capitalist bastards who inexplicably choose to have heretical opinions.”
“And no tubas either.”
By this time the steak was done. I enjoyed it immensely.
The cold was definitely a thing. I had trouble eating with cold fingers but using a fork with gloves is a pain in the ass. My beer was cold enough it almost made my teeth hurt. Dinner was delicious anyway. It’s February so I expected some cold and I certainly can’t complain about tasty cold beer and grilled steak.
You’d think I retired to my tent early but I didn’t. I sat there, bundled in heavy jackets sipping nearly frozen beer by a smoldering fire… for hours. I expected the cycling propane furnaces of the stout ice trailers nearby to annoy me but the sound was soothing. I spent hours in the dark. Resting. It did me good.
Eventually the moon rose over the icy scene and it was bedtime. It occurred to me that I’d paid for an electric campsite even though I have a tent. Just another of those services that you pay for whether you want it or not. I’d planned for unwanted but pre-paid AC! I dug around in my truck and came up with a little electric heater. With some fiddling I routed the short cord and had a little 800 watt heater chugging away. I had a 20 amp 120V service that could easily run double that wattage. The little heater tried its best but it was just too small to make a difference under current conditions. Like the stakes that handle ice but not plowed packed gravel, I’d learned something. Also, it was just a little “heat your feet under your office desk” heater and it’s not rugged for camping. (I’ve already ordered a slightly chunkier 1500 watt heater. I’ll test it the next time I’m in a hot tent near AC power. Why not use whatever resources you’ve got?)
I’d considered not lighting the fire in my tent but the heater hadn’t done Jack shit. I know from experience it’s better to act in advance of getting chilled than get lazy and let the chill get in your bones. I lit the stove. Just as it always does, it blew me away. That overpriced little titanium box is like nothing I’ve even experienced. It turns a freezing (literally) tent into a cosy little mini-cabin. Soon I was sitting in my lawnchair (inside the tent) with just jeans and a t-shirt. It was in the high 70’s in 15 minutes. Ridiculously warm!
Basking in the heat, I fell into what might have been the deepest sleep I’ve had in months.
In case you’re wondering, my stove came with a Co2 detector and I do carry it with me. The 9 volt battery was dead. Calm down, I lived.
More in the next post…