It’s random story time here at Curmudgeon Compound…
I got to the doctor after a little bloodletting. By now my stern outlook had been sanded down. Nice people are a calming influence. I was feeling positively civil.
The doctor bustled in followed by a nurse with a computer on a rolling table. Apparently doctors have stenographers now?
It starts out as I fear. He ignores me and starts clicking at his database. He’s trying for small talk and I suck at small talk. Somehow he focuses on a Disney-ish castle on a poster. “What a pretty view.”
“It’s Neuschwanstein Castle.” I say, immediately regretting it. Nobody wants to be “that guy”. I don’t deliberately try to be an asshole… it just comes naturally.
“Ever been there?” He asks, missing (or choosing to ignore) my rudeness.
“Nah, I once passed through Germany on the way to X. That’s it.”
“Oh X? Is that a nice place to visit?”
“It was OK but kinda’ third worldy.” I pause, thinking my own thoughts. “You know, that was 30 years ago, America is a lot more third worldy now.” I wave around as if our modern Clown World can be summed up with a gesture.
“But we do OK up here in our corner of nowhere eh?”
What’s this? A fellow human? Someone who’s been seeing things happen? Wow!
“Yeah, it’s OK here.”
“I worry sometime I’ll drop by <City Z> and it’ll be a crater. I’ll be on a weekend trip to buy Christmas presents and the place will be in mid collapse. People are nuts.”
“Me too.” I’m wondering where this will go. Ours lives have been so “Sovietized” that when someone has similar views (especially in real life) I’m surprised.
He chuckles and points at the database. My deplorable failure to get the vax is highlighted in red. “Want that?”
“You and five of your best friends can try to force it. See what happens.”
At this he lets out a guffaw. The stenographer / nurse is giggling. She’s seen this give and take before. I’m not sure what’s going on, is this guy a Fed? Am I about to get framed as a badthinker?
“You made a very good decision.” He nods approvingly.
What. The. Fuck?
This dude is a doctor. As far as I know he either got the shot or got fired… but then again I don’t know if that was a strictly enforced policy up here in Bumfuck Egypt. Maybe in Bumfuck Egypt they never got around to enforcing weird shit? The nurse is smiling. Are these people refugees from madness elsewhere? Or is this homegrown common sense still rooted in the soil?
“They threatened to fire me!” I grumble.
“Pointless.” He clicks on the database. “Your weight back then wasn’t bad. Stats looked good. You were getting exercise?”
“Three days a week.” I swell with pride.
“Covid wouldn’t have taken you out.” He waves at the helmet. “A bike might have killed you but not the ‘vid.”
“I know.”
“Me too. Firing people… such a bad idea!”
The stenographer isn’t writing any of this down. I’m gradually feeling at ease. The doc checks my blood pressure. The earlier nurse had already checked it but what do I know?
“Look at that.” He winks to the stenographer / nurse. “Five points lower just letting off some steam.”
Holy shit, my blood pressure (which was OK but not perfect) is now 5 points “better”!
Stress matters and the doc knows that. I’m impressed. The doc starts picking away at my data and I’m shocked that the blood test from half an hour ago is already on his screen… plus the new blood pressure he’s typed in. The stenographer / nurse is tapping away as we discuss my diet, the meaning of all those chemistry markers, some vitamin details, etc… The doc actually knows the difference between continuous and discrete variables and how that matters on the blood test results. Wow!
It’s the first time in years I’ve had a doctor that appears to care if I live or die. Not only that but he’s on the ball. Doctors used to be drawn from a population of smart cookies but then they suddenly started acting dumber than a sack of hammers. This is an old school doc. He knows stuff. Where there’s uncertainty he says so. He’s happily moving back and forth through my data from different time periods looking for long term signals.
Where did this man come from?
Somehow the topic goes back to firings. “You know,” he adds, “Mayo fired something like 700 nurses.”
I’m dimly aware that Mayo clinic is somewhere important. Top of the line place probably. Like Johns Hopkins or whatever. A place where millionaires and Senators (who are inexplicably millionaires too) get treatment… and I think they do medical research. (Though I wonder if there is anywhere that does legitimate research anymore.)
“That sucks, they had to replace 700 experienced people with 700 n00bs. That’s a setback.”
His eyes turn cold. “Not a setback. A loss. You never come back from that.”
We’re both silent for a bit. Damn. I see the world though new eyes. It was hard for me. Must have been harder for him. He’s clearly top notch and paying attention. What’s it like to be a skilled doc in a world on the verge of Nuremberg crimes? How did he survive the last 3 years? Is this where he landed? Was he fleeing elsewhere? Was he at Mayo?
“Well,” he concludes, “it doesn’t matter to you.” Just like that, the terrible setback is registered as just a societal loss and nothing we in our remote world can change. Stay in shape if you can, because you must. I’ve seen other people think the same thing. “You’re doing pretty well. You could use the gym again but who doesn’t need that? Stay away from vegetable fats, Crisco, margarine..”
“I eat a lot of steak. Wild game…”
“That’s fine. Drag an elk home and eat it whole… still better than margarine on wonder bread.”
“I’d guessed that.”
“You’re right. In general, if it didn’t exist 200 years ago, don’t eat it now. And don’t let them stick you.”
“Of course.”
It was the best Doctor’s visit I’ve ever had!
As I’m getting up to leave, someone rushes in. “Doctor, we need you car keys! Bob noticed you left your window down, it’s going to rain.”
He handed over his keys. I was impressed at the human kindness. “They noticed your car? Great staff!”
“People are OK up here.”
I wanted to hug him!
One more post to follow…