[I’m having a heck of a time getting posts out this week. Someone ordered up another winter storm and I’m working my butt off just keeping the pipes thawed. Also, I’ve gotten some donations and I very much appreciate them! If you tossed a copper in my hat and haven’t yet received a thank you note please forgive me. The delay is because I’ve been distracted by manhandling a snow shovel.]
Billy’s plan was equal parts divine and evil. Billy called it “carrot initiative and stick contingency”. Doogie thought it more “Gandalf the White and Stalin”. Regardless…
Many miles away Edna’s eyes narrowed. Gertrude recognized the look and backed off. She’d been merrily trash talking her friend’s efforts at competitive knitting (having beaten Edna in three out of the last five rounds). When Edna had “the look” it was best to tread gingerly.
“Something wrong?” Gertrude prodded.
“Yes, the universe is written by a hack!” Edna exclaimed.
“Could you be more specific?” Gertrude was well aware that Edna had some sort of ill defined yet undeniable connection to the state of… well… everything. That’s how an elementary school teacher could walk into a completely sterilized crime scene and immediately point out the tiniest bit of evidence. Thus had been born The Inspector. Anyone who can walk into the shell of a burned building and pick out the imperceptible glint of a shell casing in the ash behind a refrigerator was nearly supernatural in their observations; a clear boon to The Cleaner.
Edna arched her eyebrow, glaring at the air above her seat. “Exposition? I take offense at such sloppy handiwork.”
The universe paused, hands poised above a metaphysical keyboard; uncertain about how to proceed. Edna hissed menacingly. At her feet her vicious and malevolent Scotty dog picked up the mood and began to growl.
The universe paused.
“Show! Don’t tell.” Edna announced to the Universe.
Gertrude waited for Edna’s next pronouncement. She didn’t have to wait long. With surprising dexterity, Edna jumped up from her seat (both Gertrude and Edna had been ensconced in Edna’s matching and gloriously overstuffed chairs). She marched to her laptop, opened it, and initiated a chat with one of her favorite on-line contacts and budding fan; Captain Pedantic.
“Greetings to the Grammarian!” Captain Pedantic responded almost immediately to her electronic ping.
Wordlessly, Edna clicked the audio chat feature. Gertrude, through a professional criminal’s long practice of distrusting everything electronic, recoiled as the speaker and microphone lit up.
“Did you make the reservations?” Edna queried, sounding less like a friendly connection and more like a commanding general.
“Absolutely, Ma’am.” Captain Pedantic enthused. “You have prime real estate right near the entrance.” An electronic brochure popped up on Edna’s screen. Gertrude inched closer to look. The Scotty kept growling.
It included a map; the booth rentals for the ‘West Coast Comic Con – Where Robots and Dragons Meet’.
Gertrude and Edna sighed at the theme. The problem with nerds was that they were nerds and the nerd origination of nerd thoughts could never quite overcome the totality of nerd.
Booth 6A, their booth, was labeled “The Grammarian.” Edna clicked the link and read a blurb she herself had written.
“Can society be saved from Barbaric morons? Proper English productions presents ‘The Grammarian: Episode 1, Battle of the Oxford Comma’. This 96 page, full color, deluxe edition will be offered at a discount for the first 300 customers. Everyone who purchases Episode 1 will get a coupon for $5 off the eagerly anticipated ‘Episode 2, Scourge of the Misused Possessive’. Author Edna Kampsett and Illustrator Gertrude Smith will be on hand to sign your purchase. Colorist Twitch MacGuffin may also be present with his customized vehicle ECTO1.”
Gertrude nodded. They’d been planning this retirement gig for some time. It was good to know it was coming to fruition. Edna beamed. Who wouldn’t want to be a genuine comic book superhero?
“See what I mean?” Edna explained to the universe.
“I didn’t get that?” Captain Pedantic was confused.
“You’ll get used to it dear.” Gertrude assured him.
“Oh wow! You’re there too! It’s an honor ma’am.”
“Not only that, but I’m bringing you a knitted cap.” Gertrude had decided Edna was no longer in a universe crushing mood and could be needled mildly about her losing time in their informal competitive knitting bouts.
“So I’ll see you this weekend?” Captain Pedantic had fronted several hundred on the booth rental. He might be starstruck but he’d also invested heavily in their endeavor and had reason to be concerned.
“Don’t worry,” Edna soothed, “we’ll be there.” To calm the kid’s nerves she added more. “Gertrude and I have a tendency to succeed. Your return on investment should be more than sufficient.”
“That’s a relief”, Captain Pedantic sighed. “What about that moron Twitch? His work is great but…” He paused.
“We have motivated him.” Gertrude smiled evilly; had Captain Pedantic been able to see her through the laptop’s camera, he might have reconsidered involving himself in the ladies’ activities.
After a few more pleasantries Captain Pedantic signed off, leaving the two women to peruse the electronic brochure.
They did indeed have prime real estate at the event. They would adjacent to three crowd favorites; a children’s comic called “Massive Planetary Bloodbath”, Scooby Doo cosplayers, and an up and coming documentarian who would be showing “Murdertrout: The Truth Will Surprise You”.
Edna wrinkled her nose as she zoomed out on the map. Across the street from the civilized, air conditioned, indoor comic book convention there would a smelly dirty outdoor hippie fair. “The People’s Fair – A Celebration of Economic Joy Brought About by Socialism.”
She clicked a link to see the schedule. It included a full slate of protests. They seemed to be in opposition to almost everything. There were protests against war, cheese, internal combustion engines, cultural appropriation, plastics, math, meat, electricity, pipelines, plastic bags, history, satellites, and especially against men. The anti-male protests were so numerous they’d been allotted an entire day; officially designated as the “Men Suck Day”. This included specific protests against straight white men, straight non-white men, gay white men, gay non-white men, successful men, failed men, athletic men, weak men, tall men, short men, men who pee sitting down, red haired dwarf men, and especially men who have jobs.
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