Wednesday I went off grid (pausing only to post a country music video). I kicked back happy in the knowledge that I had to do nothing and I was in the right mental state to accomplish precisely that.
Ironically, about that time I got an e-mail offering the one and only thing that’s better than a McRib… ammo. My post scheduling is/was a total mess because I was distracted by virtually everything around me. (I may have been a bit loopy this week.) All this is a long way to explain my delayed Black Friday post but early(?) Cyber Monday post. It came about with this online conversation:
Magic Holiday Ammo Elf: “Curmudgeon, would you be interested in telling your readers about a sale on ammo we’re having?”
AC: “YES!”
MHAE: “We’ve got 50 cases or so on sale. Mostly 9mm. Plus other…”
AC: “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!”
MHAE: “If you put up a post I’ll slide you a few boxes free of charge.”
AC: “Free ammo? I say this in a sincere but non-creepy platonic way ‘I love you’.”
MHAE: “Um… Well er… About that ammo…”
AC: “SEND IT!”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Why are you weeping and hugging your laptop?”
AC: “Free ammo. It’s so beautiful.”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Um… You know how we talked about socially appropriate behavior…”
AC: “Free ammo is an exception. It’s like the McRib!”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “I won’t argue with you over any McRib related concepts. Carry on.”
AC: “Want some ammo for your guns?”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “And get mixed up in your moment of ecstasy? Just to get a free score? This girl will pay full freight and leave back alley deals for weirdos like you!”
AC: (Drooling.) “Look at this web page.”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: (Impressed) “Oh…” Suddenly thinking of a brilliant way to keep me from buying her something stupid for Christmas. “Ammo always makes a good Christmas present.”
AC: “I already had this idea for a present for you… but the Yaks were out of stock and lizard mating season is…”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Stop right there. Get me ammo. Don’t get me anything else. Don’t even tell me about your idea. I already know it sucks. Also stay away from the turkey, I’m trying to get shit done.”
MHAE: (Hearing only half of the conversation.) “Thank you for posting links to our website. We’ve got a shipment for Black Friday and if that sells out we’ll have another one for Cyber Monday. The price is good.”
AC: “Hell yeah I’ll get on it right now!”
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The conversation ended and I reached for my battered keyboard. Honestly, I meant to post right away. It’s just that there was a knock at the door with something interesting and it slipped my mind.
My neighbor was there; holding a crossbow and covered in dirt.
Neighbor: “I shot something in the ass and it crossed into your land. Mind if I go look for it?”
AC: “Of course, not!” Grabbing my coat. “I’ll help.”
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Mrs. Curmudgeon: (Hours later.) “I don’t know where you were but I’m glad you got back in time for this amazing dinner I cooked. And to host your guests like a civilized adult.”
AC: “You’re welcome!”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Ugh, you’re a Neanderthal. What the hell were you doing anyway?”
AC: “Well the neighbor…”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: (Realizing that chastising me for running off into the woods for a fun, but ill timed, chase is like teaching a dog algebra.) ”Forget it.” Glancing at me with a practiced eye. “You’ve got blood all over yourself.”
AC: “Well you see…”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “I don’t want to know. I assume it was something with antlers but even if it was a politician, just don’t tell me. Wash up or I’m sending all the pies home with the guests.”
AC: “Right-o.”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Weren’t you planning an important post?”
AC: “Not that I remember. Man you should’ve seen where the crossbow bolt…”
Mrs. Curmudgeon: “Shooo.”
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Two days later it dawned on me that Black Friday was yesterday. Well, folks you heard it here last… there was an awesome sale and y’all missed it! Let’s hear it for my Curmudgeonly timing. But don’t panic. I’m assured there’s a second supply available for Monday. (Does anybody use the word Cyber anymore?)
Shop, stack ammo, and be happy. What better thing are you doing with greenbacks that are rapidly inflating out of existence? Do yourself a favor and buy shitloads of ammo. I checked with Santa and he said you deserve it.
Happy Thanksgiving y’all!