I had a post planned. It was based around Trump’s tweets following the Superbowl (which I hear was damn near soft porn at halftime?). Mocking Kansas/Missouri geography with a backdrop of public twerking seemed a sound comedic device. But this is 2020 and life is weirder than my imagination.
The following is true:
In the pre-dawn, as I happily sip coffee and scan the news, it is Tuesday February 4th. It is 35 days into the year of stupid. We’ve already survived WWIII and seven other versions of Armageddon. Regardless, today is going to be exceptionally dumb.
This post will go live a bit later in the day, but as I type it underpaid (volunteer?) and unqualified (as shown by performance) people are desperately trying to count primary votes in Iowa. I assume they’re in an absolute panic to to get the job done 24 hours later than the appropriate time to report a Monday vote. I’m a guy who talks to trees but even I have standards. I read news of the count and know deep in my heart I would be mortified to fuck up that completely.
If I was the opposition party and Trump got to give a State of the Union Address before I could sort out 49 of 3,979 primary delegates. I’d fake my own death and move to Botswana where I’d live in a mud hut and herd sheep. I’ve made mistakes…. many. But this one is a classic.
By my count they’ve only had to handle 1.2% of the overall tally. Talk about a faceplant right out of the gate! This is funnier than the Obamacare Website roll out. (Remember that? Good times!) A spreadsheet, three FAX machines, a staff of half a dozen sentient beings who’ve mastered algebra, and a pot of coffee could’ve handled the situation… but only for people who want to find out the true answer to a vote count.
I’m just sayin’.
Meanwhile, Trump, who is Orange and ridiculous but wouldn’t fuck up something as lame as an Iowa primary vote tally, will make his address.
The audience will include Representatives, half of whom, voted to impeach him as an urgent danger that must be addressed before Christmas. Largely predicated on the fact that he was unserious and rude. Notwithstanding that the driving force were in a party who’s having trouble counting 1.2% of their own member’s wishes in one state. Meanwhile the other party is just as reprehensible. Collectively their popularity among Americans is lower than whaleshit.
The president, who was elected by the American people or it never happened because Russian space alien mind control bots colluded with vast armies of invisible Nazi racists, depending on who you ask, will also be addressing the Senate. This group is as popular as whaleshit that’s been to finishing school.
Trump will say, as all presidents do, all the good news about America he can possibly squeeze into available time. It will all be about how good things are and how great he is and how someone heroically saved a kitten from a tree. The good news will piss off at least half of those attended. I love this part. If I won the lottery and Stalin announced it, I’d still take the money. Not so with the opposition party. They’ll sit there like they’re simultaneously getting a root canal, proctology exam, IRS audit, and whacked with a lead pipe. I learned to smile even when I got socks at Christmas. They will seethe that we’re at peace and not under zombie attack.
Trump will say something innocuous and stupid like; “The sky is blue, hamburgers are yummy, and unemployment is the lowest since 1967. This is because I’m super awesome and my wife is hot.” Snopes will immediately kick into high gear to report that the sky is cloudy in Bismark North Dakota and therefore Trump is a doody-head. Activists in Portland will be triggered at the thought of non-vegan human beings who haven’t yet been sent to gulags. They will quit the jobs they don’t have and take huge hits from legal bongs while bitching on 5G wireless about their immiserated life. Some human nullity will spam all of Facebook that unemployment is only lowest since January 3rd, at 3:00 pm in 1968 and therefore Trump is a jerk and lying bastard. Others will point out that unemployment is higher for one specific hermaphroditic furry with face tattoos of genitalia in Miami as compared to a dull, hard working, tie wearing, Mormon valedictorian in Salt Lake City who’s never had a beer. Therefore the entire system should be burned to the ground so Bill Gates won’t piss us off by owning a solid gold house. Nancy Pelosi will have that weird look on her face that’s either barely contained rage or bad dental work. Lunatics in her district will continue shitting on the streets while the last few adults will think “I wonder if that Mormon dude is hiring”?
Nobody from England will respond because Brexit happened and everyone died.
Roughly twelve hours later, the Senate will vote against impeachment, following voter totals that everyone knew in 2018. And the press will have another of the 230,938,384 consecutive aneurysms that they’ve had since 2016.
If I watch it, which I doubt, I’ll be trying to catch a glimpse of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. That’s the whole show for me. At this point I’m kinda’ rooting for RBG to live forever. I have bets against her but man I know tough when I see it and she’s been kicking the grim reaper in the balls! If she walks in under her own power I’m going to salute the damn TV. I start wondering if RBG and Betty White are alchemists who have the secret of the Philosopher’s Stone. Did they get it from Dick Clark and Gerorge Burns? Did Epstein know about this?
And that is why I didn’t bother to write a funny post today.