Today’s post has three points:
- We are currently so regulated that cool shit is lost, forgotten, or never invented. “Never invented” worries me; how can we know what we didn’t discover?
- Nobody learned a fucking thing in high school chemistry.
- Doing cool shit is worth it, because obviously.
Suppose you’d never seen a kitchen match. Suppose they hadn’t been invented.
Link goes to matches on Amazon. You pyromaniac!
It’s not like we’d lack the secret of fire. People started fires before they had matches. There’d be lighters and so forth. (Note: When I wander about the woods I have several ways to start a fire. I carry them in addition to matches. That said, starting a campfire with my trusty FireSteel is a PITA. It’s a good backup, but matches are easier.)
Suppose that I, in a fit of Curmudgeonly innovation, invented a heretofore unknown technology called kitchen matches. A handy device I’d love to share with the world! How would that discussion go?
“I just invented a new way to start a fire.”
“Really? Is it safe?”
“Sure is. I dipped a strip of wood in a mix of phosphorus sesquisulfide and potassium chlorate. When I slide it across sandpaper it bursts into flames. Very convenient! I’m gonna’ call them ‘Lucifers’!”
“You’re bizarre.”
“I carry them in my pocket. Here, have some. I’m giving them away as a marketing gimmick. I’m going to be rich.”
(Recoiling in fear.) “Are you mad!?! You carried them in your pocket? You’ll burn your nuts off! Also, there’s no child safety feature. Don’t you care about children?!?! And what about fumes? They’re made with the kind of shit that’s known to the State of California to cause cancer. What if these get in the hands of an arsonist? The liability is huge! Some drunk, mentally ill, minor is going to light one and stuff it in the gas tank of a Prius… then every lawyer in creation will sue you to death. Go back to using a magnifying glass like normal people.”
Luckily, matches were invented long before society lost its goddamn mind. What we think of as a common “safety friction match” is well over a century old. Otherwise, some committee would be regulating them right now.
How many cool and useful things only exist today because they were invented before the limp dick chickenshit buzzkills of today got a chance to eliminate it?
Every generation should be inventing totally new things. We’ve become stupid and risk averse. We’re largely coasting along with variations on a theme. For example, your smart phone/panopticon device doesn’t have the same level of brand new awesome experiences as lunar landings of 1969 or even a Harley Davidson in 1903. (Steve Jobs’ sweater aside, cell phones are variations on a theme. Pretty much every house in America had a phone with long distance service three generations ago; long before Pac Man was invented. Making it battery operated is a variation on a theme. For that matter, do you think the DMV would allow motorcycles on the road if they’d just been invented in 2019?)
Anyway… back to my story. Matches are one universe. I discovered the alternate universe fire starter that really pleases me.
How to start a fire while looking like a wizard, not using matches, and playing with chemicals.
Get yourself a handy dandy, somewhat nasty, chemical called potassium permanganate!
Potassium Permanganate (don’t mess with this shit if you’re a snowflake or idiot.)
[Warning: People are stupid! I tried to buy potassium permaganate locally. It should be available at a pool supply store or water treatment place, but people are so fuckin’ stupid I didn’t get far. It sucked and I got depressed. Nobody learned a fucking thing in high school chemistry and it shows. One salesdrone tried to tell me potassium gluconate (a dietary supplement) is the same as potassium permaganate (something you will only ingest once) because they both have potassium. I was offended by such concentrated dumb: “There is iron in a dietary supplement and iron in a steel bar. If I hit your skull with the steel bar will it make your diet better?” We’re living in Idiocracy! Accept that our society is mostly chimps living in the wreckage of a declining world and order online.]
Potassium permanganate is about a buck an ounce in the 20 oz. bottle (photo is a link or click here). There are many varieties but the chemical you want is potassium permanganate and nobody cares about the brand name. Make sure it’s powdered. For some reason, companies like to mix chemicals into liquids instead of powders; I don’t know why.
The bottle shown above is what I bought. It’s about as cheap as I could find and it should last a long time.
It’s a real genuine chemical. Pay attention.
STOP READING NOW IF YOU’RE A DUMBASS.
This isn’t a bullshit wuss substance like when some dweeb uses food coloring and thinks they’re a chemist. This shit will jack you up. It’s nasty in a variety of ways and if you’re an idiot stay away from it. Read the warnings, act accordingly, etc…
The remainder of this post assumes the reader belongs at the adult table. If you’re triggered or too stupid to use dangerous things, go away: browse Facebook or eat crayons or whatever window lickers like to do. Also, if you’re too stupid to use chemicals you probably shouldn’t be playing with fire regardless of how you start it. Sheesh!
OK so potassium permanganate is groovy stuff that you should handle with care. It’s a powder so it’s not going to leak but it does like to dissolve… keep it dry! It also happens to be a dye, if it gets wet and on your clothes they’ll be new and interesting colors… forever. It’s odorless, it’s pretty dense so a little goes a long way, and it does a lot of useful things. YouTube has a zillion videos of survivalist types using it start fires and treat water and (inexplicably) making some sort of solution to soak their feet(?!?). The point is, it’ll start fires.
When you want to start a fire, put down your bottom kindling (newspaper, bark, branches, whatever) and arrange a flat spot in the middle. Then carefully pour about three quarter’s a teaspoon or so in the spot. (Don’t sniff the powder into your nose for fuck’s sake! You promised you belonged at the adult table; don’t make me demote you.) Also don’t get it on your hands and rub your eyes. In fact, as a general rule don’t do stupid things.
Now, add more wood but always leave a little spot where you can see all the way down to the powder. Soon you’ll have your fire materials nicely stacked up with a teeny weeny “chimney hole” that leads all the way down to a little bit of powder.
Don’t go overboard. A half-teaspoon is way more than a match. A full teaspoon is ample, more is dumb. You’re starting a fire, not fighting zombies.
Now it’s launch time. The secret ingredient is glycerine.
Glycerine: totally harmless.
Unlike potassium permanganate, glycerine is harmless. Don’t worry about children, pets, or hippies getting into it… it’s just lotion. Like all pointless lotions, there are a million variants and you can probably find it at a local pharmacy. What you’re looking for is gel. The link above is about the cheapest I could find; $8 for the bottle which is plenty for a long time. (Note: you can also use ethylene glycol which is car antifreeze. But that’s going to smell worse, can accidentally poison pets, is a fluid that can leak, and you’ll have a bottle of that crap to manage instead of a convenient gel.)
Pop open your bottle of glycerine, aim it down the little chimney you made, and squirt a tablespoon or less onto the powder. Ideally, it’ll hit the powder and ooze off to the side. Don’t overthink it; the chemicals know what to do.
The ensuing exothermic reaction is satisfying. First there’s a brief delay. Then a little smoke. The amount of smoke is dependent on how much of the two reagents you added and how they mixed. If you somehow created a pool of glycerine on top of the powder and there was no way for the glycerine to ooze to the side you’ll get excess smoke… which kinda’ sucks. (I did an experiment with a toilet paper roll and found that out.)
After 3-8 seconds or so it’ll burst into flame. Very hot, impressive, and excellent at starting fires. You’ll get far more “oomph” from this stuff than a matchstick. Think “short term blowtorch”.
So there you have it. I’ve tested it a couple dozen times in my woodstove (the weather sucks lately). It’s easier than matches. With a match I’ve got to build the tinder and fire materials and then shove my arm waaaaaaay in there to get the feeble little match to the bottom; at which point it’s a race to light the paper before it burns my fingertips or goes out. With the “powder at the bottom of the chimney” method I just slime glycerine from waist height and it all works out.
Also, the delay is handy. I dump the glycerine, close my stove door on unlit wood, shuffle to a comfy seat, and wait. A few seconds later it bursts into fire without any smoke getting into my living room’s air (even a match makes a bit of smoke).
The best part is it looks like I’m a damn wizard. Doing cool shit is worth it, because obviously.
Go ahead and try it yourself.
A.C.
*Editorial Note #1: This post has Amazon links because I did research to select what I wanted and I’ve tested the products listed. If you order anything from Amazon via links on my blog, I get a tiny kickback. It doesn’t cost you a penny and I appreciate it. (Keep me in mind when Christmas shopping season rolls around!)
*Editorial Note #2: Amazon is a corporation and we’re in an age of corporate madness. It’s rare for any corporation to stick to their knitting and Amazon tends to drift between “don’t be evil” and “bend over deplorables”. Living in the hinterland, Amazon is my lifeline. I crave things that are impossible to buy locally. Alas, in 2019 all companies interject politics where it’s not needed. They may someday kick me off their system for “wrongthink”. My compromise is to enjoy it while it lasts but never let the scorpion on the frog’s back. (I mention this because they hosed Claire Wolfe and that was gold plated bullshit.)