[Forgive the long post, the soap opera-like mess of American history is a story that draws me in.]
Last week, my truck’s audio hosted Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History #40: Radical Thoughts. (Dan Carlin is a colorful story teller and I highly recommend him. I don’t get a dime if you buy from Dan Carlin.)
Episode #40 was a rumination on the Red Scare. Carlin began by apologizing that the ensuing half century from the events is not enough distance. It puts his analysis “dangerously close” to the present. It’s still recent enough that raw emotions echo through our populace.
I agree. I grew up being told to be fearful. I heard it from sources I trusted. (I was once a kid and actually trusted people… can you believe it? How quaint.) I was told the Russkies were itching to “push the button”. Everyone I loved, my nation, my bicycle, myself, and my dog were all at risk. I grew up perpetually an inch from getting blasted. Mutually assured destruction was no laughing matter.
For those of you who are wondering (and have an American public school graduate’s lack of historical knowledge) there was no nuclear war in the 1980’s. I’m pretty damn happy it didn’t happen but I sure didn’t see it coming. Who expected peace to just sorta’ break out in the 1980’s & 1990’s? It was practically an accident! The fact that a crazy politician or general (on either side) didn’t turn me into a glowing skeleton on a melting Schwinn is something to be savored.
If you’re younger than a certain age, you can’t know the feeling. It was a thing. This is why I break out in hives when folks dance near the edge of Communism. A college student younger than most of my power tools might dig his Che Guevara t-shirt and high five Bernie Sanders over free college tuition but I’ve an urge to hit both of them with a shovel. I know too much about Stalin, or Venezuela or Mao’s China. I’ve seen things man. I cannot step lightly into a cage. A person of a younger age is already in the cage; apparently they like it.
Back to the lectures; as expected, the discussion centered on the “red scare”. It really got rolling in the early 1950’s. Then it slowly petered out and is even now ebbing as geezers like me give up the ghost. We’re being replaced by young kids who believe rosy scenarios about Cuban health care, or Venezuela’s promise, or equivocations about Sweden. They don’t fear ICBMs like I did.
What intrigued me was the “first red scare”. I was only dimly aware of that one. The first red scare that went fever pitch in post WW1 and the run up to the roaring twenties. Then it collapsed fast when the Kool Aid drinkers picked a hard date for Armageddon (May 1, 1920).
For those of you who are wondering (and know only the history taught in public schools), the “reds” did not overthrow the USA on May 1, 1920.
It’s news to me that total all out revolution was publicly predicted by United States Attorney General Mitchell Palmer. He predicted the very specific day of May 1st and he really meant it. I don’t think he was trying to blow smoke up anyone’s ass. Likely he was rock solid in his belief. (Cut the man some slack, just one year before, on May 1, 1919, his house was among 35 targets of anarchist’s mailbomb attacks. This was also only 18 years after President McKinley was shot to death by the same anarchist movement. How many presidential assassinations and bombs arriving at your house would you need to get nervous?)
Anyway the deal didn’t go down. Nothing happened on May 1, 1920 and Palmer got nutkicked by popular opinion. Everyone had a good laugh and then smoked a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. Thus, the first red scare ended nice and clean and all at once.
Here’s a hint that’s true of all ages, when you predict imminent looming total destruction, avoid dates that can be written down on a piece of paper. (Got that Al Gore?) (I note that AOC is already backtracking on her statement of 12 years to doom. Twelve years is too short. You need predictions to be a good 20-30 years in the future or your career may be long enough for you to be mocked when nothing happens. Let’s call that nebulous length of time the “Al Gore prediction horizon”.)
Here’s where the story gets really interesting. Palmer’s best source for the “intelligence” that created first red scare was the General Intelligence Division (GID), headed by J. Edgar Hoover. Yes… that Hoover.
Just to repeat… the looming May 1, 1920 violent domestic uprising had everyone shitting a brick. People believed it.
But it didn’t happen. Fake news bitches!
Why’d everyone buy the story? Part of the reason was the obnoxious fucknut Hoover who industriously fanned the flames.
Good thing we didn’t repeat our mistakes. We corrected course, kicked bad information sources to the side, and… ha ha ha… Oh man, just typing that makes me laugh! Given the chance to be stupid of course that’s what we did. America gave Hoover a promotion!
Go ahead and savor this factoid because it’s why history is one long inside joke: When they formed the brand new Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) they looked long and hard to find the most reliable person to be director. J Edgar Hoover, had been so wrong he cratered the career of the Attorney General. Thus, he was perfect for the job.
A monkey with a dartboard would have a better track record. I can only assume Washington D.C. was out of monkeys. Hoover, who had been wrong before, learned absolutely nothing. He went into rut. He “served” with an increasingly corrupt and iron fist and was a huge driving force in the second red scare.
Folks that’s funny shit right there! The political arc of accuracy is proof God likes humor and/or people are dumbasses. When you’re spectacularly wrong and everybody sees your failure, the solution is to freak people out about the same damn thing all over again; but do it even harder!
Hoover finally released power when… Ha ha ha… That’s funny too. Corrupt jackwads never quit. They die or you kill them. (See my earlier references to Stalin.)
Like any proper psychotic dickhead, Hoover continued prancing around DC with his magic ring of power while breaking every rule. Let’s repeat that because it’s key: Hoover didn’t accidentally bend a rule or two, he broke every rule about everything all the time.
The son of a bitch finally died in office in 1972! Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief the day that immoral spying cretin was planted. He’d been fucking up and abusing power for 48 years! People who cling to power until their last breath are a reason I’m glad humans are mortal.
Let’s review:
- The guy was completely fucking wrong in 1920.
- Therefore, he was put in charge of a new and powerful secret spying apparatus.
- He went full retard and freebased power like a crackhead.
- He stayed that way for 48 years.
Moral of the story? When you’ve got wrong information, feed it to the Attorney General and let him take it in the shorts. Then blackmail senators until you’re fuckin untouchable.
Hoover proves to me that it’s not possible to be wrong or corrupt enough to get kicked out of the FBI. That Hoover played Attorney General Palmer like a puppet doesn’t fill me with respect for the office of Attorney General either.
Now think of my “history clarity through distance thesis”. Nearly everyone who knows the name Hoover agrees he was a deceitful, backstabbing, shithead. He might have a few fans here and there but not many. Nor is it skating on thin ice to say that Attorney General Palmer fucked up big time. This isn’t news. It’s not controversial. Nobody is going to try to demonetize my YouTube channel (assuming I had one) because I “dissed” Hoover. Nobody will accuse me of “hate speech” for calling Palmer a dumbass. These are facts; mellowed by distance and eventually accepted by damn near everyone.
What about recent situations? I just ripped a new one on Palmer and Hoover, can I utter the same opinions about folks who recently or currently fill the same jobs? No way! Dis a recent FBI Director or recent Attorney General and half the establishment goes apeshit. Whichever party benefits will circle the wagons to protect “their guy”. So long as he’s bitch slapping “the other team” he’s doing God’s work. Even if the dude is a class five human train-wreck he’ll have supporters cheering for him.
I’d be like “I just saw him stuff a kazoo up his ass while barbecuing a kitten! The dude’s not firing on all cylinders.” Sure as shit some supporter will explain it “The kazoo represents oppression and the kitten was rabid. He had to do it. He wants to save orphans from the secret kazoo/kitten cabal of Walla Walla Washington. Also, you’re a a racist douche-bag and your face is hate speech!”
Translation: He’s on our team… therefore he’s awesome. If you oppose this saintly figure of goodness they’ll double down on it too. The internet will crawl up your ass, your mom will unfriend you on Facebook, Alexa will sell your stuff on Craigslist, and your kid will get a wedgie in school. Eventually your boss will subtly hint that you should stay the hell away from him/her/zit until it blows over. It can get worse, those are just the things that’ll happen if you’re lucky.
The reason is simple. If it happens now, we can’t reason it out. Folks back then can be calmly assessed in light of their achievements and failures. Folks right now are assessed based on the team jersey they’re wearing.
Please forgive my ramblings about the FBI and why they’re off the leash literally more often than when they’re aboveboard and effective. I’m sure the guys right now are super moral, high ground, paragons of dignity. In fact, I want it on the record that the NSA is covertly recording that I’m perfectly pleased with everything that every domestic spying agency is doing for the last 40 years. Good job guys!
Tomorrow I’ll talk about another part of moldy old history: FEAR.