On the road I subsist on purchased coffee. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad but it’s always accompanied by condescension. Why? Because otherwise unemployable and utterly uninformed nitwits have an ego problem. They instinctively flock to the only unskilled labor that affirms their superiority. I don’t know why they feel so smug. They’re no better (or worse) than the monkeys at McDonalds; at best they’re manning an espresso machine.
I have an espresso machine too. I can operate mine, they can operate theirs. I don’t brag to my friends and neighbors that I’ve mastered the esoteric skill of making a bit of espresso. Why would I? It’s not rocket science.
Here’s a hint, if you operate a linear accelerator or service a locomotive I’ll be impressed. If you run a kitchen gadget that shoves steam though coffee grounds don’t expect a standing ovation.
Me: “I’d like some strong coffee. No whipped cream. It gets in my beard. Here’s a refillable mug so you don’t have to waste a paper cup.”
Barista: “It’s good that you want to save irreplaceable trees.” (“Zer” pours coffee into a paper cup to “measure it” and then pours the coffee into my metal cup.)
Me: “Uh… You know trees grow; right? They’re plants. They grow. From dirt.” (I pause as “zit” throws the paper cup in the trash.)
Barista: (Totally not hearing me.) “Re-useable containers are good because they reduce waste. Though the skull motif is problematic.”
Me: “I prefer a proper mug like a civilized being. I swear it makes the coffee taste better. Also the skull makes it taste better. Um… you realize that you ‘wasted’ a paper cup anyway? You just tossed it in the trash. I saw it. Have you considered using a measuring cup?”
Barista: (Unaware of any hole in “zim’s” logic.) “Because of global warming we’re running out of trees.”
Me: “Plants like increased CO2. It’s a fertilizer. Plants crave it. Like electrolytes.” Sipping coffee. “Ugh! Do you really have to serve it lava temperature?”
Barista: (Completely missing a great joke.) “Someday we’ll run out of paper.”
Me: “Are you postiting a theory of ‘peak paper’? Shouldn’t you wait for ‘peak oil’ first?” Sipping again. “This is burnt.”
Barista: “It’s supposed to taste like that.”
Me: “Like shit?”
Barista: “Yes. Also, would you like to donate to a charity.”
Me: “Sure, I’ll cough up a ten spot for the NRA.”
Barista: (Doing a double take.) “No, I said a charity!”
Me: “Yeah, I’m a big fan of charity. Whatta’ ya’ got? Hillary Clinton prosecution fund? Guns for toddlers? Liquor for the Amish? I love people. I’m in!” (Waving my debit card eagerly.)
Barista: “It’s an environmental fund. They raise awareness for…”
Me: “Not interested. I’m already aware. I’m woke baby! We’ve all got enough aware. Too much aware is filling up my garage and overflowing in my closet. My truck is completely packed with awareness. My kid’s school is so aware there’s no room for learning. We don’t need to raise awareness, we need to flatten it down. Strap it to pallets and ship it to the awareness recycling mill. I hear awareness can be turned into ‘give a shits’. I’m totally out of them.”
Barista: “You’re not really our preferred customer.”
Me: “OK then. Enjoy your buggywhip factory. When Tim Horton’s takes over and we’re playing hockey and genuflecting to Gretzky it’s on you.”
Also there’s the following from American Digest:
