“Now, you’re either on the bus or off the bus. If you’re on the bus, and you get left behind, then you’ll find it again. If you’re off the bus in the first place — then it won’t make a damn.”
Ken Keysey, noted hipster druggie and space cadet, as quoted in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test (1968), by Tom Wolfe
I was going to start this post with a quote of my own. Something like “you’re either an adult or you’re not an adult” but I wanted to make the point that this is a universal concept. It’s a “all in” versus “not all in”. Even the flakiest LSD baked cosmic hippie in creation knew about “all or nothing”. If spaced out hippies can come up with “you’re on the bus or you’re not” we can follow suit.
No more blurring lines that should be clear. Are you an “adult” or one of those lesser beings from Obamacare that remain on their parent’s insurance at age 26 as “adult children”? What the hell is an “adult child”? Shouldn’t we put the fucker down before it breeds? Are you a citizen or are you not? That’s a no-brainer. No more twisted logic to conjure up illegal aliens in sanctuary cities voting while quasi-legally toking pot. Each side of the spectrum is guilty. Some want to farm votes in the furtherance of an imagined but unattainable socialist Utopia. Others want a an exploitable caste of cheap lettuce pickers. Both are playing with fire.
Some things are all or nothing; dead, pregnant, citizen, adult. You’re either on the bus or you’re not.
Luckily, I’m here to help! There’s a simple and easy way to solve everything. All we need is internal consistency. Therefore, I propose the following:
The Let’s Cut the Horseshit Act of 2018:
Be it resolved by the omnipotent power vested in Adaptive Curmudgeon, due to the fact that he’s an awesome blogger with a cool dog, the following is now the law of the United States of America:
Article 1: A minor cannot legally do any of the following; buy and drink alcohol, buy and use tobacco, buy and use a hooker, buy and use drugs, buy and use a firearm, drive a car on public streets, serve in the military, serve on a jury, get laid (age of consent), get married, sign binding legal documents, work for any employer who wishes to hire them (child labor laws), or pose naked on YouTube. An adult citizen can do all of those things. These rights are recognized as a block. You can’t have some without the others.
[Editor’s note: I’ll leave the details up to the States. Why force a fifteen year old Wyoming ranch kid who’s running a haybine to deal with rules suitable for 22 year old Bostonian college student who couldn’t change a tire without dying? All or nothing also forces both parties toward the middle. If socialists want 14 year olds fucking they’re going to have to let them work in a steel mill and buy a pistol. Conversely, if right wingers want a young man to fight in war they’re going to let them get as high, drunk, and naked as they wish. All I want is to end the “half adult”.]
Article 2: When a minor becomes an adult citizen we formally recognize their unabridged, individual, inalienable, natural rights. Pay fucking attention to the vocabulary. We meant to use those words.
Article 3: The words mean exactly what it says in the dictionary right now, today, on earth, in English. (See: Article 2.) Whenever a new person is confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice the President will get the honor and privilege of tattooing the following on their ass:
- The words “unabridged, individual, inalienable, and natural”.
- The entire text of the of the Constitution, with amendments.
- The Declaration of Independence.
- An image of Washington Crossing the Delaware with the words “We Will Kill You In Your Sleep On Christmas”.
- A second and third specially highlighted version of the Bill of Rights in bold red letters. One will be tattooed on their face, because I want them to see it in the mirror. The other will be on their genitals because I’ve had it with assholes forgetting the actual words.
Tattooing will be done all at once, without sedative, during the halftime of the Superbowl, at the 50 yard line, on public television, while naked. Gilbert Gottfried will provide commentary throughout the procedure. Why? Because with great power comes great responsibility, they need some fucking commitment to the letter of the law, and Gilbert Gottfried would be hilarious.
Mandatory punishment for infractions: Should a member of the Supreme Court refuse to be tattooed they will be fed to lions on Fox news. If they start detecting penumbras, talk about living documents, or define “the right of the people” as the national guard storing a hunting rifle in in a locker Elon Musk will launch their useless ass toward Mars. Justices are smart fuckers, they know how to use a dictionary. They just need motivation.
Article 4: All adult citizens will be issued a passport. It will state “This adult American citizen is personally responsible for his or her individual fuckups”. The passport will be sufficient and necessary proof of identification to vote and buy firearms. If you cannot buy a firearm you cannot vote. If you cannot vote you cannot buy a firearm. If you can’t or won’t produce the passport at the time of the vote or firearms purchase you are politely invited to fuck off. Nobody gives a shit about your driver’s license or your library card or whatever the lunatics in California issued to you. The DMV is run by jackasses and we all know it.
[Editor’s note: So long as guns and voting are paired, any ID solution will work. If the evil party thinks you need a DNA sample and examination by a shrink to buy a .22 then they’re going to have to provide the same before voting for Bernie Sanders. If the stupid party wants a sound vote tally it’s only fair to have ID to buy an Uzi.]
Article 5: Guns are guns. No more bullshit. No more splitting hairs. A tiny ivory handled antique ladies derringer, a Uzi, and a firebreathing .50 BMG will all kill you just as dead. They are therefore equal in the eyes of the law. Hoplophobic circle jerks trying to define a “good gun” versus a “bad gun” are eliminated; pretty wood versus scary black, adjustable stocks versus fixed, single shot versus semi-auto, optics versus open sight, 30 round magazines versus break open double barrel shotguns, short barreled rifles, arm braced pistols, rifle caliber handguns, bump whatevers, and and the goddamn “shoulder thingie that goes up” are all the same stinkin’ thing. They’re officially classified as “shit that can kill you” and that’s detail enough.
Anyone who can own a firearm can own any weapon or accessory; including but not limited to suppressors, bayonets, sharks with friggin laser beams, bipods, cannons, submarines, baseball bats, Death Stars, crossbows, trebuchets, harpoons, bagpipes, tommy guns, tanks, spears, switchblades, robotic flying chainsaw launchers, fighting dinosaurs, Chuck Norris on a stick, nunchuks, Samurai swords, trained pitbulls, or aircraft carriers.
You may build anything you can own, any time you want, with whatever technology you wish. Nobody gives a shit if you hammer forged it from a meteorite, 3D printed it with a Nintendo, or bought it at Gander Mountain.
Article 6: All adult human beings on planet earth are either American citizens or not. Only American citizens can vote in America. Hint: it’s part of the definition of “citizen”; look it up. We don’t wander around demanding to vote in Liechtenstein, or Norway, or Botswana, or Japan, or Uruguay, so why would non citizens get to vote here?
Article 7: A felony either eliminates either all rights or none. If you’re too dangerous for a shotgun why the hell would I let you choose my damn Senator? Wait a minute, if you’re such a fuckin’ animal you can’t have a gun why the hell are you even walking the streets unsupervised? -OR- You’ve done your time and it’s a clean slate and you’re totally redeemed and pure as the newfallen snow. We must pick one and go with it.
Article 8: An adult citizen may serve no more than eight years, over their entire lifetime, in any office. We don’t care what office, eight’s the limit. If you spent four years as the West Stumpsquatter county dogcatcher, you’ve got four left. After that, you can voluntarily step down or be fed to wolves. Your choice. (Wolves will be provided free of charge.) For the sake of California we’ll state the obvious, if you’re not an adult American citizen you can’t be in American political office.
Article 9: Stay off my lawn.