T -40 days: The press indicates a celestial event will happen in August. Suuuure. I’ll believe it when I see it. They’re wrong about everything lately. If the press said fish swim in the ocean I’d expect tuna to start roosting in trees.
T -35 days: It appears to be legit. Who cares? I’ve seen an eclipse before.
T -34 days: No, I haven’t. What was I thinking? Who remembers an eclipse they didn’t see? What’s next? Will I recall landing under sniper fire in Bosnia? A helicopter breakdown in Iraq? The closest I’ve gotten is a few lunar eclipses and most years I catch he Perseids.
T -30 days: Since I’ve definitely never seen an eclipse I’m going to see this one. “I’ve never done it before” is a perfectly legitimate reason to do almost anything!
T -29 days: I gauge interest in the matter among my family. Mrs. Curmudgeon is all for a trip. Huzzah! The kids, following the protocol of all teenagers, grunt noncommittally. Teenagers, like lawyers, cannot answer any question with a clear affirmative or negative. Like I give a shit about their opinion. God is turning the dial to eleven for the music of the spheres and it’s got more cowbell! The trip is on!
T-28 days: The awesomely named “Zone of Totality” is going through some of my favorite stomping grounds! I wish it were hitting Burns, Oregon. I’m always up for a trip to Burns. I wonder if the snake is still there? I think I’ll bring my fishing pole. I like fishing!
T -27 days: Glasses? Who needs stinking glasses?
T -26 days: I need glasses. Going blind would suck.
T -25 days: Two hundred brands of “eclipse glasses” on Amazon but most are sold out and none are explicitly ISO 12312-2 rated. I order a 5 pack from somewhere outside of the Amazon ecosystem. Checkout is a PITA and shipping is usurious. (Note to Edna and other Grammar Nazis: yes, I know “usurious” is not quite correct since there is no loan involved but it sounds right to me and in 2017 that’s apparently all that’s necessary.) The amazingly complicated “shopping cart” is a drag. I remember now that shopping on the internet in the late 1990’s was a total bitch. Hence, Amazon’s current hegemony. Also, some dude wrote ISO 12312-2 specifications for “looking directly at the sun”. Someone buy that poor bastard a beer.
T -15 days: Hotel reservations become a clusterfuck: “What do you mean booked up?” So, this is a thing? Who knew!
T -14 days: After a few calls, I have hotel reservations. This is due to the fact that I’m a “platinum rewards, mega-executive, vibrating electron level, hyper, ultra, super customer”. Also, I have (totally out of habit) plotted the intersection of eclipse path and low population density. Nobody but dirt and prairie dogs in my target area. Perfect!
T -13 days: Mrs. Curmudgeon and I discuss the itinerary I’ve devised;
“We’re going where? Again!?! Can’t we stay in a civilized location? What about Bend?”
“Last time I was in Bend I got patchouli all over me. It’s a formerly cool town but the hipsters own it now. More mimes than men. It’s enemy territory. Let it go.”
“You can fish there.”
“Fly fishermen… I’ve nothing to wear. There will be man-buns riding mountain bikes. Vegans in spandex. The horror.”
“It’s pretty there, you like the volcanoes in the Cascade range, and the beer is good.”
“Beer? Good point. Hipsters do beer rather well. OK if you find a hotel I promise not to whine about the excessive cost. Or I’d be happy to camp. Better to reserve a campsite somewhere. Camping’s cool! I like to camp you know…”
[Stay tuned…]