My last post explained that percolators are awesome because of mind control. Since a few people asked; I’m going to post more info.
It started last summer when there was a power outage. I used this opportunity to discuss my perfectly adequate grid down coffee making plan and Mrs. Curmudgeon’s entirely successful and more feminine solution (i.e. abandon the house and drive to Starbucks).
Since then we’ve had a few more outages but neither my preferred solution (a simple small generator) nor Mrs. Curmudgeon’s preferred solution (a more elaborate large generator) has come to fruition. Apparently, we’re sticking with the tried and true American plan; doing nothing until the shit hits the fan. (I’m not worried. A generator is more a luxury than essential. Curmudgeon Compound has enough firewood, bacon, whiskey, and ammo to withstand things that would destroy the average coastal city. When the time comes we’ll stay warm and eat bacon while getting drunk and shooting zombies. Who could ask for more?)
In November I mentioned a percolator would add “atmosphere” to my workshop. It has a cookstove I’ve named Betsy. It’s (maybe) from 1939 and is one of the many reasons why we don’t necessarily need a generator. I discussed Betsy here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
This is an old photo. Betsy now has a vastly improved chimney and freshly painted walls. A man and his cookstove; it’s a beautiful thing.
Mrs. Curmudgeon, who is awesome, presented me with a very pretty blue enameled metal percolator for Christmas. I was delighted. Here it is:
Isn’t that pretty?
Note that I used a propane burner for the heat source. (It would look perfect with Betsy but it’s too damn cold to be in my workshop right now!)
She even included a set of four groovy metal cups. For those of you not in the know, metal cups get hot. Pay attention when you drink or you’ll burn your face off. This is the price you pay for having a sexy lookin’, old-school, cup of Joe.
Metal isn’t ideal for hot liquids but looks awesome.
In fact, Mrs. Curmudgeon graced me with all sorts of coffee accessories from Death Wish Coffee.
When you start buying stuff from “Death Wish” it’s addictive.
Of note, the Aladdin thermos has a “Death Wish” coffee badge on it. That makes it better. I don’t know why, it just does.
The “Death Wish” spoon is hers and I’ve been informed I’d better not lose it. (If you want a coffee scooping spoon that’s hefty enough to beat someone savagely…. this is the appropriate choice.)
I’m not sure if the grinder came from Death Wish but it comes with two “jars” for the base and works great.
Even if power goes down forever, I’m still not resorting to Folgers.
Unfortunately, the pot (not from Death Wish) leaked. That’s right, it leaked on day one! I was terribly disappointed. This is one of those situations where a product looks cool but due to quality control failure during manufacture it should be filled with Tannerite and taken to the range for proper disposal.
Returning Mrs. Curmudgeon’s Christmas purchases is one of those ‘aint gonna happen situations. If I buy a pot that leaks I’ll turn it into a lifelong battle with the company that sold it but Mrs. Curmudgeon is more… sane.
I toyed with solutions to patch it. I have an appropriately sized welding kit but I’m something of a chimp with a stick welder. I’m more likely to burn the pot in half than patch it. Plus who knows what evils I’d introduce into a food grade pot with the flux? I considered JB Weld. It might hold but I have my doubts about food safety. I assume JB Weld is made of something that would make my liver explode. Dying of poisoning because I patched a coffee pot with a substance meant for automotive engines seems like a stupid way to go.
In desperation I resorted to the ultimate last case scenario; I spent money. Shocking!
I was several hundred miles from home when, on a whim, I swooped into a trendy inner city dead zone for what my GPS assured me was an sporting goods supply place with the word “surplus” in the title. I was disappointed to find it was one of those trendy boutiques that sell $200 jackets and pretends they’re “military surplus”.
“I think I’m in the wrong place.” I muttered to the blue haired, barely employable, hipster running the store. “I want a coffee percolator.”
The dude at the counter waved vaguely toward the back of the store. It was a pretty empty store. I’ve got more “surplus” shit in my garage than their entire stock. But… could it be? Yes, a single coffee pot. One. Not two. Not a row of them. One.
Shiny!
It was expensive but exactly what I needed. I planned on buying another blue enameled pot but this one was stainless steel. A bit too classy for Betsy and me. Then again it’ll likely outlive both of us.
Also, I had the choice of paying for stainless steel or buggering off. Time was of the essence. My truck was partially blocking the tiny city street, I had shit to do, and the weather was going downhill. The hipster looked mentally glazed over.
“Drop $5 off the price?” I offered.
He nodded. I handed over cash. He didn’t charge tax. For all I know he didn’t work there.
I was in the store less than three minutes. Elapsed time (counting dropping off the highway and getting back on) was ten minutes. Is that not a miracle?
No shit! It was like a Twilight Zone: “Submitted for your approval, a redneck wants a coffee pot. Will he pay $10 more than he plans? Or will he spend six hours chasing his ass in a Gander Mountain trying to buy the same Chinese made leaky piece of shit he already has because he likes the color blue? How far has the American consumer fallen? Let’s watch and see.”
I’m still wondering if I can weld the first one (I can’t see any drawbacks to having a “backup” percolator”) but have no regrets over the new stainless steel replacement. The pot works perfectly. I’ve tested it several times.
The only drawback is that I’ve discovered I’m a victim of Maxwell House mental programming. I’ve always had it in my head, but now I know it.
A.C.
P.S. While filters are optional, Mrs. Curmudgeon gave me a pack of paper filters with the Christmas stuff. They work great. Nearly all the coffee I’ve had from percolators had grounds floating in the cup but I’m not experiencing that when I use filters. They’re cheap. I heartily recommend simple paper filters for the percolator that Maxwell House programmed you to desperately need. (Admit it, you want a percolator now.)