There is something to be said for having a good chainsaw, even if you live in the suburbs. A good chainsaw will get you out of a bad situation or make for a comfy winter in front of the fireplace. A bad chainsaw on the other hand is a burden that sucks down gas, oil, and patience.
I own (owned) a Solo 640 with a 16 inch bar. The total output was about 1.97 Kw. A couple of months ago while building a dowel and post fence it crapped out on me. The secondary air filter had finally given its last while shaping a dowel for the fence rail. I had to build a fence between me and the next door “Bad” neighbors to impress upon them that this is my land and they need to fuckoff. They seem to think that we live in a covenant controlled community which gives them carte blanche to bitch about my trucks or the oil slick on my driveway. Code enforcement is their only outlet for grievances and crimes against humanity. I am their Stalin.
Since I live in the suburbs, cutting wood is not a daily chore as it is with AC. I won’t freeze to death if the wood isn’t cut. A face-cord in the backyard is a convenience not a blessing. But sometimes on those rare occasions, shit happens in the suburbs. We had a Christmas Day Blow.
Three days before Christmas, the weather forecast called for winds at 5 -10 miles per hour. Christmas day, at noon the wind was 25 – 35 with gusts to 75 mph. That was an understatement. During Christmas dinner with the folks, I received a call from my good neighbor across the street.
Good Neighbor: “I’ve got bad news for you. You know your favorite tree that you like to park your trucks under?
Dr. Mingo: “Yeah?”
Good Neighbor: “It just blew down.”
My good neighbor doesn’t mince words. He is always direct and to the point. I left Christmas dinner and headed home to find my beloved Scout II and my daughter’s Jeep smothered by 30 foot of Blue Spruce. Thankfully the tree fell is such a way that the trunk was between the vehicles and the tree was propped up by the lower branches and root ball. It had to be removed and soon. I was dreading the inevitable “anonymous “call to code enforcement from my BAD neighbors. After assessing the situation taking pictures and moving the trucks, we returned to our Christmas tri-tip.
The next morning I rented a Stihl 361 chainsaw with a 20 inch bar from the local equipment rental shop. I went with the biggest, baddest chainsaw they had because overkill is in my nature. After a short bit of instruction on the operation of the Stihl, I was ready to disassemble the tree.
At 8:00 am I ventured out to the tree with the chainsaw. I considered waiting an hour because I didn’t want to wake up my good neighbor. He is retired and his sleep cycle is hit-miss. On this morning however, my good neighbor was sitting on his porch waiting for the show. The Stihl started up settled into a whir of a finely tuned engine. I laid the chain into the first cut. I took off some smaller branches to expose the trunk and then I took of the top of the tree working my down. I got bonus points for waking up my bad neighbor. He came out in his pajamas, hair extending in impossible directions, and that disoriented look like a wake-up call from a drill instructor. I looked at him, he looked at me. He picked up his paper. Having no fucks to give, I continued on.
When I made that first cut into the trunk something happened which can only be described as Prometheus stealing fire from Mount Olympus and giving it mankind. Perhaps the modern version would be the hand of God extending from the heavens and bequeathing unto me a lightsaber from which I will go forward a vanquish trees and make firewood in His name. Amen.
This glorious implement of destruction I held in hands was certainly better than my Solo. In comparison to the Stihl, the Solo was a horse and buggy going up against a muscle car. I realized suddenly and quite forcefully that my Solo was, as my good friend AC had coined it, “A piece of shit!” The Stihl razed the tree to firewood and branches in less than two hours… taking my time. It cut through about 14 inches of trunk in about 8 seconds, perhaps less. It was damn quick! The Stihl transformed what I envisioned as a daunting labor into destructive ecstasy. There, I said it. It was two-stroke, single cylinder SEX! But this Stihl wasn’t mine. I was simply having an affair.
I knew had to have one, but which one? The Stihl website has a myriad of chainsaws with different power ranges, bar lengths, and power head weights. My first instinct is for overkill, but Stihl places their cost of Overkill far outside my price range. The Stihl website has a chainsaw selector which asks a few questions about how the chainsaw will be used, and how often you will use it. Are cutting an Aspen or a Sequoia? The best chainsaws are their pro- series for the lucky few who sodomize Gaia. They have plenty of power and light power heads. The chainsaws they selected for me didn’t quite feel right. I wasn’t going on a clear cutting rampage but I was looking for a version of Urban Overkill Lite. I needed more information.
I placed a call to my chainsaw consigliere, Adaptive Curmudgeon. He explained to me that while power does matter, the weight of the power head matters more. Cutting wood can get pretty tiring wielding a heavy power head. This leads to fatigue and accidents. Plenty of redneck jackasses where he lives go for the biggest saw to go with their bigger trucks. I also didn’t need a 20 inch bar. I shorter bar makes for easy handling. The important thing he said was to get the right size saw for the job. I still wanted a bit more power than a suburbanite should be allowed to have. We agreed that a Stihl MS 250 was the right saw for me.
I headed to the ranch supply store to pick up an MS250. The salesman tried to sell me the MS251 Wood Boss. I ask about the difference between the two saws, which at I already knew from my research. The Wood Boss has 0.2cc more displacement and is 0.7 lbs heavier with same power output as the MS250. The main difference between the two saws was price and emissions. Guess which one cost less? The MS 250 has no emissions and was $40 less. I bought the MS250 because saving a polar bear weighs on my soul like choosing between a chocolate or glazed doughnut.
Doctor Mingo
Epilogue: My new Stihl chainsaw is happily chewing through wood on the suburban homestead in a manner that would give a beaver an erection. I tried to fix my Solo chainsaw as a “weak Plan-B” alternative. I asked the Adaptive Curmudgeon for some advice on fixing it.
He said, “Take your Solo to the garage… And throw it in the trash.”
If Ash had to rely on a Solo chainsaw, the Deadites would have “swallowed his soul.”