Dr. Simone Moonglow Lenin Rothschild’s plans were working! She had the five nitwits lined up in uncomfortable wooden chairs facing a screen in a darkened room.
“Is this part of the ‘Disco-cracy, Abba, And Transspecies Raptors’ seminar?” Asked one.
“Will this be on the test?” Asked another.
Those two hadn’t yet been reached, but she saw the progression happening and it was only a matter of time. One of them, the last one in the line, was already singing quietly to himself; “There’s no regret, If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando…”
YES!
The nitwit immediately to his left (Dr. Rothschild never bothered to learn the name of male students) was staring at the screen; enraptured. The screen, the product of a rather large grant, was 30 feet tall and it was displaying images from Facebook; specifically Mary And Terry Hate Men.
Facebook, what an excellent scientific resource! Not only was it chock full of instructions (she’d been meaning to read those last few posts) but it had visual aids as well. The nitwits were being exposed to a continuing slideshow. Most of it was Abba, which made sense. Occasionally however, there would be a slide of a squirrel or a hawk. Dr. Rothschild was unclear of the symbolic import of the animals but it was apparently part of the program.
“Is that bird a hawk, or an eagle?” Asked the nitwit in the middle.
“Don’t you get it?” Enthused the one who was the most completely taken in, “it’s both an eagle and a hawk!”
The nitwit in the middle wasn’t buying it, he scratched his nose and looked confused. As if to say “how can a bird be both an eagle and a hawk?” But he remained silent.
Dr. Rothschild poured herself a cup of tea and checked her watch. It was said to be a slow gradual process. According to the instructions she had another 32 hours to go. Fortunately, the nitwits weren’t offering any resistance.
Dr. Rothschild glanced at the other, more appropriate, students who had chosen to attend the “optional” seminar. (Everyone who didn’t show up would get a D, because that’s how Dr. Rothschild rolled.)
They were arranged in the more comfortable stadium seating; well behind the nitwits. Some were enjoying the music but most were idly checking their smart phones. That was okay with Dr. Rothschild, they were already converted and thus she didn’t care what they did. They would all get an A+ merely for being here. The students seemed happy to trade a weekend for an A+.
…
Then it happened. The first thing Dr. Rothschild heard was a collective shudder. Then she felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly separated from Facebook.
She stood up and walked towards the women and other non-binary gendered creatures in the stadium seating. The nearest one looked up at her, pale and shaky. She held up her smart phone. It was blank. “I fear something terrible has happened.” The student whimpered.
In front of them, the nitwits shook their head. The streaming audio had stopped. The screen in front of them had gone blank.
They stood up and stretched. They hadn’t moved for seven hours.
Dr. Rothschild held her breath. Had the spell been broken?
One of the nitwits looked at the screen, now blank, and scratched his chin. “You know what this screen needs? It needs to be hooked up to an Xbox One.”
The others agreed. “Halo would be bitchin’!” One smiled.
Oh my God! What had she done?
The nitwits were milling about. Each, in turn, had removed his tie and tossed it on the floor. She had never heard any of them use the word “bitchin’”. As far she knew none of them knew how to swear! At least they didn’t…
“Dude, let’s go get a beer!”
NO!
“Great idea Bro!” another one agreed. “We can take my car.” He paused, momentarily puzzled. “You know, I never thought about it before but I wonder if it’s due for an oil change?”
NO!
One of them began to dimly recognize the students still in the stadium seating. They were shaking their cell phones and looking disturbed. A world without Facebook was unthinkable! He nudged the fellow to his left and they both nodded.
“Like, we’re going to go get some pizza and beer. Would any of you ladies care to join us?” He spoke loudly to no one in particular.
LADIES!?!
Five students stood up. They stashed their phones in purses and made their way to the front. The rest stayed behind, oblivious and glaring at their phones.
“I can’t thank you enough Dr. Rothschild,” one of the nitwits was addressing her. Speaking to her as if she were just some… Some dude! Why the nerve of that deplorable little…
“… The videos were awesome!” He grinned. He was standing too close to her and he’d put his hand on her shoulder. Gross! “It totally blows that Facebook crapped out on your show. Sorry about that. Maybe some other time.”
And with that, the five nitwits, trailed by five of her students, sauntered out of the room.
Dr. Rothschild, hung her head in shame. She had meddled with things beyond her control and it had gone all wrong. In her hubris she’d created the world’s most horrible abomination:
She had created the DudeBro.
[On that tragic note we close this chapter in the story of the Lesbian Squirrels. Thank you for your support and tips. I hope you enjoyed a break from the rest of the world. You may now return to regular media and their current show “Felon Versus Hairball; America Takes It In The Shorts” which is already in progress. Also, for those of you who, like me, aren’t hip to the slang of the times I refer you to this documentary which explains the DudeBro.]