During a series of chaotic home maintenance “events” I dropped off the grid. (Don’t worry I’ll tell you all about my adventures in home maintenance later.) I happened to drop off the grid at an opportune moment. It went like this:
Last week:
“We here at America’s Pravda are bringing you the news report for the future scene of what we expect to be a Class VII Shitpocalpse. After carefully considering all of our biases, we have decided that the Republican convention is almost certainly going to bring about the end of life as we know it. Reliable reports (that we made up) indicate the Donald Trump is not only the Antichrist but that he is going to rape a monkey on stage. We fully expect that the entire city of Cleveland will be burned to the ground. We recommend to our listeners that you shelter in place and pray for the lost souls of the everyone in Cleveland who will be certainly killed by Trump’s hair.”
This week:
“Despite the fact that virtually nothing exciting happened last week we are still making shit up. Now we’re concerned that Hillary Clinton’s coronation may be mildly disrupted by the unexpected discovery that Hillary Clinton plays just as fair as the doped up Russian Olympic team.
We’re aware that everyone with a pulse knew the Democratic Party was going to pull out all the stops to get Hillary elected (like the 450 superdelegates wasn’t a big enough hint?). But we had no idea that those unemployable “Feel The Bern” commie dipshits would figure it out too! Who can blame us? Who could possibly have imagined that Hillary Clinton would be associated with unpleasant leaked emails? I mean the first 30,000 e-mail leak was merely clear evidence of felonious mishandling of classified material. All we had to do was twist the FBI into a pretzel to get out of that. Now there’s another 13,000 e-mails from a different scandal? No rest for the wicked eh? We had no idea that people other than Hillary could get hacked. We use Apple products so we thought we were immune! Besides nobody in our industry studied science so we think computers run on magic.
Also, we’re surprised to find out that hippies and Commies can read. Who knew? We haven’t found a way to blame this on Trump or his hair but were pretty sure that we can blame it on the NRA or guns. So it’s all cool.
Incidentally hippie socialists who really like to protest stuff, when gathered in a place and informed en masse that they’ve been fucked, have a tendency to protest. What’s up with that?”
What a difference a week has made. I’m starting to enjoy the decline.
Also if I’m locked in my truck forced to listen to America’s Pravda at least it’s on the one day they ‘re hoisted upon their very own petard.
Update:
I just heard the newest idea they floated and it’s epic. The new theory is that these emails were leaked by Russia because Vladimir Putin is somehow enthralled with Trump’s hair. That’s pretty classic. I’m not saying that Russia didn’t do the leak but what I am saying is that if they’re worried about this level of Russian “blackmail” they ‘aint seen nothin’ yet. Hillary can’t make a week without committing malfeasance and if she gets elected it’s going to be 24/7 scandal until the wikileaks server melts.
There’s a solution to public revelations like this. Don’t lie, cheat, and steal. Then you don’t have new scandals every few weeks. I’m pretty sure I figured that out when I was six.