The problem with birdfeeders is that they attract critters other than chickadees. Generally I don’t care. Birdfeed won’t break the bank. If sparrows or blackbirds or whatever take some food I can live with it. Unfortunately the dog can’t quite grok the concept; especially when it’s a squirrel.
As we all know, squirrels are assholes. Not that I mind. I’m an asshole too. The little varmints get into the feeder, flip over the top, and chow down on twice their weight in seed. This doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that sometimes the dog sees the squirrel and goes to DEFCON 5.
I’ll be sitting in my office doing my thing when RAUGH GROWL SNARL RAUGH RAUGH GROWL SNARL RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH GRRRR AARRRR GROWL SNARL RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH GROWL SNARL RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH…
It’s enough to give me a God damn heart attack. So I respond in my usual polite Curmudgeonly manner. “SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DAMN MUTT!”
The dog looks at me, “but I’m defending the home?”
“From a friggin’ squirrel?” I explain to my stupid dog. “You bark like that again and I’d better see six Viking ships and the Mongol Horde crossing the front yard. Got it?”
“But… squirrel!” The dog tries to explain.
“Seriously man, if you bark like that again and it ‘aint Zombies driving a tank I’ll trade you in for a llama.” I threaten.
So the dog goes back to sleep and I mop up the coffee I’ve spilled, turn over the keyboard I’ve flipped, and restack the papers I sent flying, count to ten, and settle in. The thing is that you’ve just got to let stuff go; like water off a duck’s back. And if you…
RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH GRRRR AARRRR RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH RAUGH…
The squirrel is back. Sigh.
