Ring. Ring.
Me: “Curmudgeon speaking. If you’re a telemarketer prepare to die.”
Friend: “I tried to call you earlier. What’s wrong with your cell?”
Me: “I was broke but I fixed it.”
Friend: “Fixed?”
Me: “I hit it with a screwdriver. It seems to be working again.”
Friend: “Have you noticed that it’s rather quiet lately?”
Me: “Yeah I have. I’ve had a lot less calls coming in lately. It’s been nice but I…”
I paused. The infernal cell phone had been extremely quiet and, moron that I am, I’d missed the obvious. I flipped it open. Dead…
Friend: “Have you figured out something?”
Me: “Dammit. The POS isn’t working!”
Friend: “It’s time for a replacement. How long have you had that phone?”
Me: “I dunno. Maybe twelve, thirteen years. It’s one of the last non-GPS phones. Got it for free. I’m gonna’ miss it.”
Friend: “Do we need a wake like when your station wagon died?”
Me: “That’s not funny. The station wagon was a good car.”
Friend: “I thought you were going to Wal-Mart to buy a replacement.”
Me: “I tried. But…”
Friend: “But what?”
Me: “It was Wal-Mart. So much stupid. It burns.”
Friend: “Sixty different phones and they didn’t have what you want?”
Me: “I’m particular. Plus I wanted pre-pay. They mostly deal in gadgets that are merely the physical point of contact for a cloud based payment plan.”
Friend: “Did you use that terminology at the store?”
Me: “Are you kidding? I might as well explain physics to my cat. However, I may have mentioned that I wouldn’t take on a monthly payment for something a silly as a phone if a supermodel begged me so I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for the turd in a shirt working the electronics counter.”
Friend: “This is why you should stay in the woods. But why fight it? There are people at Wal-Mart who’d use a payment plan for a candy bar.”
Me: “I didn’t fit in. So I left. Give me twenty minutes to solve this. The Internet will provide.”
———————-
(Twenty minutes later.) Ring. Ring.
Me (exhausted and mentally drained): “Hello. If you’re a telemarketer… Oh hell I’ll buy it.”
Friend: “So did you order a phone?”
Me: “I’m so embarrassed.”
Friend: “What did you do!”
Me: “I ordered a smart phone.”
Friend: “Bwa ha ha ha ha!”
Me: “Now I’m going to have to buy hipster glasses and start eating gluten free bread.”
Friend: “Throughout history there have been turning points; the battle of Thermopylae, the fall of Rome, the siege of Stalingrad…”
Me: “Aaack…”
Friend: “The battle is over and now you have a smart phone.”
Me: “There were so many choices. I…”
Friend: “I suppose you got Obama to pay for it?”
Me: “Hey now! Line. Cross. Don’t.”
Friend: “OK I take the last part back. How much did you pay?”
Me: (Choking up…) “Almost a hundred bucks…”
Friend: “That’s nothing. Don’t you drop that much on a tank of fuel for your truck?”
Me: “Yeah, but the truck does work.”
Friend: “A hundred bucks… for a lot of people that’s a monthly phone bill. Be glad you don’t have to foot the bill for a teenage daughter.”
Me: “I am thankful for that every day.”
Friend: “I’m just glad you’re not on the roof doing semaphore.”
Me: “Semaphore has its points. I even considered HAM radio. But…”
Friend: “…but resistance is futile!”
Me: “I agree. Now I’m in the market for a Faraday cage phone case.”
Friend: “The NSA is not going to like that.”
Me: “I sure liked it more when spying on citizens was just a theory.”
Friend: “Get with the program; load up Facebook, keep the GPS on, Twitter hourly….”
Me: “I miss my old phone.”
Friend: “…take lots of shitty blurry pictures and post them. Start creating a running log of your every moment so that it’s all stored on the NSA’s cloud. Anthony Weiner could give you some social networking tips.”
Me: “Shaddup!”
Friend: “Sure sure, Mr. Off grid. Are you going to post this on your blog?”
Me: “I’m doomed aren’t I?”
Friend: “Yep. It was a good last stand but it’s over now.”
Me: (Sighing…)
Friend: “By the way, did you keep the same number?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “You going to tell me the new one?”
Me: “No.”
Friend: “No worries. Caller ID will out you!”
Me: “Dammit!”
Friend: “The new world order is going to be interesting. Join the crowd.”
Me: “I give up.”
Friend: “Everyone does. Good luck now.”
Click.