I wrote earlier that my mailbox harvested so much negative campaign pamphlets against a rather unassuming incumbent that I’d decided to vote for him. Later, even more negative pamphlets against the guy arrived and I wrote:
Today, against all impulses to the contrary, I checked my mail. I had fourteen political ads! Holy crap.
Here’s the count:
- Unrelated to Candidate A: 4 fliers.
- Related to Candidate A’s opponent: 2 negative and 2 positive. The two positive cards were to the exact same person and address and were the exact same flier. There’s nothing I want in a politician more than the ability to waste twice as much money to send the same redundant message twice! I bow to the extra special level of dipshit I see in that kind of management!
- Related to Candidate A: 1 positive (from the candidate himself) and 4 negative:
I summarize the negatives below:
“Candidate A cut a particular program for the elderly. You’re going to get old. You’re going to die. Alone. Because funding was cut. Are you listening? You’re going to die old and alone. On November 7th. They’re going to make you into Soylent Green. You deserve it for supporting that evil bastard!”
“Candidate A supports big corporations. The only purpose of a big corporation is to ship jobs overseas. Did you know that? People build big corporations and the only reason they do it is so they can ship jobs overseas. Because they’re monsters that’s why! Also he took money from the schools. He just put on a black mask and grabbed a pistol and took that money right out of the hands of third graders. And he started a corporation and made some jobs and put the jobs in little boxes and mailed them overseas.”
“Candidate A made local municipalities pay for the stuff that local municipalities want. And that’s just wrong. It’s wrong like setting fire to kittens.”
“Candidate A took money from schools and made it into tax loopholes for corporations that send American jobs overseas.” (This one is almost word for word. I’d make a joke but… how?) The front of the card had a whole lot more: “I’m candidate B. The only thing I’m going to do is take that money the bastard took and gave to the companies that ship jobs overseas and I’m going to bring it back to schools. I might use a wheel barrow to carry it. Also here’s a picture of me with my family. And there’s a little kid on the margin. Aren’t kids cute? Did you notice that I dressed in the family picture just like my butler says idiots at Wal-mart can relate to? I’ve got a camouflage jacket and a hat. I’m just like you unwashed peons. And did you see that next to me there’s a picture of coffee and a donut. Next to that bastard Candidate A there’s champagne and caviar. Because when you hit a school with a brick and take it’s money and give it to a corporation that exists for no other reason than to ship jobs in little boxes to someplace stupid like not-America then they give you caviar. Also nobody drinks champagne but big fat-cat jerks. Not like me. I eat donuts. Please for the love of God vote for me!”
There you have it. Candidate A can sleep in tomorrow. He’s got it in the bag! Anyone that generates literally dozens of negative ads sent to my irrelevant little farmhouse is going keep winning elections until the end of time. (Partly because his opponents seem intent on bankrupting themselves.) He’s got my vote and I’m going to name my most beloved possession after him. I shall henceforth no longer cut firewood with a Stihl. I shall now be cutting firewood with a Candidate A!