COGs are rarely overtly political. COGs correctly view politics as a flamboyant method to avoid getting a real job. However they seem to wind up financing damn near everything through their taxes. You’d think this would encourage them to get more active but instead it encourages them to view the rest of the population as useless layabouts. (Which, statistically speaking, is true.)
Figure 1: A visual demonstration of a politically active NON-COG. There are no photos of politically active COGs because they're all working on something boring like the street plowing schedule for Muncie Indiana.
- COGs are annoyed when Al Sharpton calls them a racist. They are not racist. They think Al Sharpton needs a real job. Something useful like replacing tractor brake pads. Yo-yos like Al Sharpton would be less annoying if they had a purpose in life that didn’t involve bitching at COGs.
- COGs are annoyed when a fruit loop wearing the American flag as a turban, a dog collar, a diaper, and Nikes is prancing around at the gay pride parade. COGs are not homophobic. However, COGs want you to quit blocking the road because it’ll make them late for their daughter’s orthodontist appointment. COGs assume the fruit loop in the streets would calm down if he had a job.
- COGs are annoyed when someone self detonates in a discotheque in Jerusalem. COGs are pretty sure God doesn’t communicate through explosives. COGs are absolutely convinced that jerks like that are what happens when people don’t have jobs.
- A COG can have a gun or not have a gun. A COG who doesn’t have a gun (usually urban) doesn’t go to anti-gun candlelight vigils. A COG who does have a gun (all rural and some urban) doesn’t staple the second amendment to the front door. All rural COGs have guns, this is tradition and COGs adhere to tradition. Gun owning COGs don’t generally own flashy firearms. If you have a cannon you’re not a COG. COGs, regardless of whether they have firearms or not, do not care if you have a weapon; unless you’re a criminal in which case they’d like you put in jail for for a couple hundred years. If you’re trying to rob a COGs house and they have a weapon, they will use it. They’d rather not because they don’t want the hassle of patching a hole in the drywall.
- COGs vote. COGs won’t try to get you to vote for their guy even if they think your guy is a moron. COGs are pretty sure your guy is a moron. COGs wonder how most politicians got that far without having a real job. They wonder if their politician ever mowed his own lawn. They’re sure yours hasn’t. Until recently a COG would always vote for one of the two useless parties in America. COGs are increasingly voting third party but do so furtively. COGs don’t put political bumper stickers on their car because that would mess up the paint.
- A COG can go to church without speaking in tongues. A COG may think an atheist is going straight to hell and still help him install a garage door.
- A COG doesn’t care whether the electricity is made from coal, windmills, or unicorn farts, so long as the refrigerator keeps the milk cold.