Colonial Riff Raff: “Hey King, fuck off!”
King: “WHAT? How dare you mumble disloyalties!”
Colonial Riff Raff: “Mumble? We’re Americans now. American’s don’t mumble…we shout!”
King: “What is the meaning of this?”
Colonial Riff Raff: “It’s not complicated. We want to be free. You want us to be subjects. So we’re kicking your ass out. We thought you might be confused so we wrote our reasoning in black and white. It’s sort of a ‘Cliff Notes to Freedom’. You might want to study it. We explained about the inherent equality of mankind and how government exists only by the consent of the governed. Heady stuff! Then we couldn’t help adding several paragraphs about how you’re a huge duchebag.”
King: “But you can’t possibly…”
Colonial Riff Raff: “We’re not into long breakups. Get your military and your asshole tax collectors out of our lives. Now!”
King: “I’m the most powerful imperialist ruler on the planet and you’re a bunch of rednecks with squirrel rifles. Are you mad?”
Colonial Riff Raff: “Oh yeah! We’re batshit insane. We’re the people that are going to be so goddamn free it’ll make your wig spin. We’re going to use that freedom to invent monster trucks, land a man on the moon, and unleash disco on the world. We’re going to get filthy rich too!”
King: “What is a ‘truck’? …and how does one manufacture one of monsters? Hey, I’m playing into your devilish game and that’s hardly kingly now is it? Enough of this! Pay your taxes or I’ll make you!”
Colonial Riff Raff: “Oh yeah? You and what army?”
King: “Ohhhh now I’m really mad. You’ll be sorry.”
Colonial Riff Raff: “I forgot to mention. We’ve got balls of steel. In seven years your armies will be hightailing it for safety.”
King: “NOBODY SPEAKS THAT WAY TO A KING!”
Colonial Riff Raff: “We do.”
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And that’s how it all started. A bunch of people who wanted to be left alone and got massively pissed off when taxed. Americans still want to be left alone and we still get massively pissed at taxes. We don’t like taking shit and we’ve got balls of steel. That’s all there is to it. We’re free because we’re free on the inside. America is not a location and it is not a government.
Go out there and be free! Light fireworks with a beer in your hand. Eat huge steaks. Make bad jokes. Smoke, drink, and swear. Drive big cars. Fire guns. Make noise. Laugh in the sun. Be as playful and foolish as you wish.
Foppish Europeans (and their domestic counterparts) can sniff about unity and carbon footprints and sneer at our exuberance but that’s their loss and not our concern. America was never a nation of dour whiners. Fuck ’em and their handwringing nannyism…we’re free and it feels good!
Howl at the moon and cheer because today’s the day we rolled the dice and taught ossified royalty that free men won’t play by the old rules.