I know the godlike geniuses at the University of East Anglia‘s (UEA) Climatic Research Unit (CRU) can perfectly model the entire planet’s climate such that the science is settled. But I’m just a curmudgeon so I’m having trouble with mixed phenological signals.
Arguments that spring isn’t fully engaged:
- No redneck has sunk a truck. This is a serious breach of etiquette!
- I was running heavy equipment Sunday and discovered that if you dig deep enough the soil is still partially frozen. Did I mention it’s cold up here?
- A couple robins showed up at my house a few weeks ago. Then it snowed and I haven’t seen the poor bastards since.
- Burning restrictions haven’t been put in place. The annoying public service announcements about “don’t play with fire” haven’t aired yet. I’m stuck with an extra week of “don’t text message while driving” and I find them especially annoying. We could get by with one “don’t do stupid shit” announcement and then permanently end the “bitching at citizens with their tax money” industry.
God will smite you if you play with it…by “it” we mean cell phones.
Arguments that it’s spring:
- The news recently reported that the poor overworked farmers can’t get into the fields and plow. Thus causing untold misery and the downfall of humanity.
- The price of gas, which always rises at the beginning of summer, is rising. (Note to all Americans, either buy gas or don’t buy gas but shut the hell up.)
- I got a brush pile burned. Job well done. I won’t be burning any fields this year. (Note: I didn’t destroy civilization and I had a damn burn permit so don’t get all urban and Smokey Bear on my ass!)
Arguments that it’s summer:
- Obama recently began the summertime “gas prices are too high pointing of fingers”. He went so far as to launch the traditional “panel to investigate this thing which we don’t understand”. It’s too soon! This annual dog and pony show is usually scheduled for the dog days of summer. How uncouth to change the congressionally established pattern. The president is not supposed to start acting weird about the price of gas until the corn crop is well established!
I reduced domestic oil production but I don’t understand supply and demand. I printed a metric shitload of dollars but inflation definitely has nothing to do with rising prices. I’m not even going to wait until August to be surprised about gas prices. Eat your goddamn rainbows and shut the hell up.
So what am I to do? Mixed signals abound…especially Obama. Didn’t someone explain that you can’t bitch about unexpected gas prices until the annual bitching about unexpected spring flooding is wrapped up? Sheesh…do I have to make a chart?
Well there you have it. Things are just in flux. Those of you in the south will be forgiven for looking upon our confusion up north with pity and smug condescension. If any patriotic soul would please sink their truck in a lake I would appreciate it. Also would someone tell the president that he’s way off schedule?!?