I’m going to vote this year with all the joy of a condemned man forced to get a root canal en route to a firing squad…who’s just been kicked in the balls…while being chewed by marmots…in the cold pouring rain. Actually I’m a little less optimistic than that. Politics since 2008 has been a devolution of the usual “glass is half empty” to the Obama-based “the glass is shoved up my ass”. Nor have Republican candidates spewing steaming heaps of platitudinous fail improved my attitude.
Why? I loathe Obama and his gang of reality challenged miscreants but the minute voters hand them their ass on a silver plate Republican “reformers” will turn to jelly. Don’t believe me? I’ve got one word for you. 1994. (If that doesn’t ring a bell you can Google “Contract With America” and tell me what the first part was. Hint: Republicans used to talk about balanced budgets but only in the period between when Reagan was blasting money into space and Bush W. spent money like expanding debt was a direct order from God.)
I can pretty much lay out the time line of betrayal. In 2010 the Republicans will make gains because any vertebrate with a pulse has a mild chance to beat an incumbent this year. They will tell us they love us and promise they’ll respect us in the morning. By 2012 either the Republicans will have promised everything but free puppies and a bag of gold for every voter or Obama’s teleprompter will win anyway and continue flushing invented money down the crapper like we actually had it. Either way we’re fiscally fucked.
That’s all you need to know. Neither party has any intention of actually governing in the real world. (For example, right now the Government is running on an “emergency continuing resolution” because normal people manage their budgets come hell or high water but D.C. leaves the boring work to magic leprechauns and hope while they posture in front of mirrors. That, my friends, is not governance but the absence of it.)
Luckily there’s a new third party out there positioning for 2012. Not the Tea Party silly (I wish them well but they’re probably doomed). The “Stay Off My Lawn Party” from MArooned is what caught my eye.
The “Stay Off My Lawn” Party will be socially liberal – people should be free to do what they wish to their own bodies as long as they don’t hurt others. You want to smoke dope, marry another dude, or light yourself on fire as a tribute to Chthulu, go right ahead. As long as your actions do not harm any other person, knock yourself out (literally, if that’s your bag). However… The flip side to this is that if your actions cause harm to another person, we’re going to drop the jail on top of you and leave it there.
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“Stay Off My Lawn” works with fiscal issues as well. The government is not, should not, cannot be in the business of providing everyone with everything. Period.
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Internationally, “Stay Off My Lawn” fits seamlessly as encapsulated by Agent J in “Men In Black”: If you don’t start none, there won’t be none.
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The party will be overwhelmingly guided by that ancient and mystical document known as the US Constitution and Bill of Rights
So there you have it. “Stay off my lawn” has my vote for 2012 when the other two (and sadly the Tea Party as well) have self-immolated.
I humbly submit that we pursue Clint Eastwood to be our chief public relations officer. This should be on the poster:
The "Stay Off My Lawn" Party goals should be communicated with simple visual aids.
Also, anyone who wants something for “free” from the government should be faced with this look:
Fiscal horseshit should be dealt with immediately and brutally by angry men with constipated looks.
Since it’s his idea. I think we should form the party and beg MArooned author Jay G to do the work while Clint runs around scaring children. Perhaps an extraction team will be needed to get the future president out of the occupied territory of Massachusetts but it’ll be worth it.
(Note: Jay G. has no idea who I am or why I’m linking to his satirical party. But I’ll buy him a free beer when he’s president.)